If I were paranoid, I’d think that everyone is plotting to get me. When I woke up this morning, all of my windows were sealed shut and covered with plastic sheets. It was a very Egyptian experience. I immediately called a friend and wailed, “Help, I’m sealed into my house.” She replied, “Tut, Tut,” which was no help at all. Then I remembered that my house was being prepped for an outside coat of paint. I was not prepared for this dark, foreboding tomb/like experience.
I turned on some lights and switched on my computer, which had been updated to a new operating system called, Yosemite, by a technician named Sam. My computer informed me--- as only a computer can---that; ”Ha! Ha! your AOL is blocked. I wasn’t amused. So, I punched through some plastic and crawled through an exit, dragging my Mac behind me, and I drove to Sam’s place to get Mac an enema.
Unblocked Mac, and I, arrived back home and my phone began to blink a voice mail signal. The problem was that the phone was busy before anyone had even bothered to call me. I proceeded to yell at the robot on the other end of the Comcast line until I finally got a real person on the phone. He ordered me to climb under my desk and put a pin into a little hole. I told him which hole he could insert any pin of his choice. Then I suggested that he “reset my voice mail modem message indicator.” No, I am not that smart. It’s a regular event when my phone rebels, and I am sure that my phone has driven Radio Shack out of business.
I had tickets to attend a play, so I got dressed and was looking forward to leaving my sealed up house. I punched through more plastic and opened the door. But before I could escape, I got a call from the theatre. The person on the other end of the line said, “Sorry, there won’t be a show tonight. The lead actress fell and hurt her mouth, so she can’t talk.” I said, “You should have cast a mime.” He didn’t think that was funny. Then I closed the door on my finger. Ouch! So, with only nine fingers I discovered that, although the language on my newly unblocked AOL search engine is in English---the local news is now in Spanish. “Ola!”
So to sum up:
My windows are blocked with plastic sheets.
My AOL needed an enema.
The local news is now in Spanish.
I had a busy phone with no one talking on it, and
I couldn’t see a play because the actress fell on her mouth, and
I slammed the door on my finger.
All in all, Steven Wright had it worse than I did. He said, “My mechanic told me, ‘I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”’
Esther Blumenfeld (Have a nice day!)