In Denmark, in the really olden days, if you wanted to read a good book, you’d find words and pictures engraved on a thin layer of bark from a newly naked birch tree. Thus, “book” comes from the Danish word, “bog,” which means birch. In 1450, Johann Gutenberg invented the printing press.  Granted, the whole venture began quite nobly with the printing of the Gutenberg Bible, but now, in the whiz-bang era of computers, the torrential output of undamned writers knows no bounds. Every year, 100,000 new books are published in the United States. Now that we are deluged with reading material, how do we choose which books to read?

Surveyors of succinct summation to the rescue. Your friendly newspaper/magazine book reviewer—-that preparer of predictive previews for public perusal—is ready to pontificate. Since some reviews are more entertaining than the books themselves, browsing your newspaper book-review page can be time well spent, especially for people who want to appear well read without actually being so. Spending 10 minutes reading a review is certainly less stressful than flailing through a thousand-page, heavily researched book that took the author eight years to write.

But, every book that’s out there can’t be reviewed—especially those that are self-published. Not to worry. An author can find people listed on his computer who, for the right price, will be willing to write a favorable review.

However, getting back to newspaper reviews. Remember that praise is boring and it boosts newspaper/magazine circulation if a well-known reviewer is willing to say something loathsome. Even famous writers don’t escape the literary bounty hunter who’s gunning for a reputation and aching for another notch on his hard drive. In 1933, Max Eastman raised both hackles and circulation of the New Republic when he wrote of Ernest Hemingway: “It is of course a commonplace that Hemingway lacks the serene confidence that he is a full-sized man.” Ouch! Remember, that newspapers want to sell newspapers, not books. So it’s probably wise to take the picks and pans with a grain of salt. Publishers also buy ads promoting the books they think will sell. Usually that does not include a work of poetry. A poet will probably have to settle for a Pulitzer Prize.

In 1977 a publisher promoted  THE NOTHING BOOK. Americans bought 300,000 copies of a book that had 192 blank pages. It was a reviewers delight. Paragraphs could be written about a book that had no words.  Perhaps, for aspiring writers, it might be prudent to skip the agony of writing real books and focus on: BOOKS THAT NEVER WERE.  Here’s a recommended list:

—“Possessing The Secret of Scruples: Equality of Women in College Sports.”
—“Oil Spills: Life’s Little Slippery Instruction Book.”
—“Our Shrinking Airlines: Oh, The Places You Won’t Go.” and
—“He Left Me For An Older Woman: The Best In Science Fiction”

And, here’s a recommended list of book reviews that might help sell papers:

—“Webster’s New Globe Dictionary.”  This book lacks plot, has few characters, sends mixed messages and is much too wordy.
—“Poseidon’s Pissed Off” The author recommends 50 environmentally awakening trips along our polluted waterways. Watch the fish throw each other back at the Richard Russell Dam on the Savannah River.  More breathtaking than the author’s first book, “Sunken California: Hiking Along The San Andrea’s Fault.”
—“The Thinning Book.”  Written on rice paper, the author claims that if you eat three pages a day, you can recycle and lose weight at the same time. ‘’Not bad when coated with peanut butter.”
—-“The Best of The Weather: 2017 Edition.” A treasured collection of weather reports from Maine to California. Audio version available for insomniacs.
—-“The Really Nothing Book.” An inspired literary work with no pages and no cover. For $29.95, the publisher will send a framed receipt to prove ownership. Had anyone been able to put their hands on this book, they would have read a masterpiece.

Esther Blumenfeld