One of my favorite quotes from Dave Berry is when he describes how he finds a parking space in a mall at  Holiday time: “We traditionally do this in my family by driving around a parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2000 years ago, followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.”

My dear husband, the scientist, used to say, “Some things are not probable, but anything is possible.”  I thought of that when years ago, in Tangier, Morocco, I saw a camel parked at the curb behind a Mercedes.

I wrote this story when I took my little Saturn into the shop for its regular check-up. It has been my faithful mode of transportation for 15 years, and since I don’t drive far and wide, its mileage record is about as good as mine. Consequently, since the mechanic always says, “Don’t get rid of this car. They don’t make them like this anymore,” I plan to follow his advice, and one of the best ways to do this is to find a safe parking space—away from other cars. Unfortunately, that’s like putting your blanket on an empty beach. Some nincompoop will always park her blanket next to mine. So, if isolation doesn’t work, I like to park next to the newest, most expensive car I can find in the lot. Then, obviously, no one will be tempted to steal mine.

I often ask myself, “How hard is it to park a car?”  Obviously, it’s a real challenge for some people, for whom one parking space just isn’t enough. They are compelled to occupy two parking spaces, because they think that the white line in the pavement is supposed to run under the middle of their car. That’s two spaces gone.

Then there’s the guy who just has to park across a pedestrian walking path. I actually like that, because it gives me the opportunity to leap frog over the hood of his car. For you conspiracy theorists, surely there are two owners of huge SUV’s who are competing to see who can park as close as possible on either side of your car. The winner makes it totally impossible for you to squeeze into the driver’s seat, and makes you feel guilty that you ate that ice cream cone.

It’s bad enough when someone who isn’t handicapped claims one of those spaces, but it is worse when that driver executes a crooked parking job to confirm the fact that she really is challenged.

My strangest parking experience occurred several months ago when I went to a movie with my friend, Jane. When we came out of the theatre, neither one of us could remember where she had parked. I suggested, “Jane, push the alarm button on your key chain. The car will let you know where it is.”Sure enough, She pushed the button and the horn started blaring. Problem solved! We followed the beeps and found her car—or so we thought. She pushed the button to stop the noise, but nothing happened. The horn kept blasting. Then we discovered that the noise wasn’t coming from her car. She had pushed the button and set off the horn of another car. When we finally found her car, it was parked several lanes away. As we drove off, the other car was still causing a ruckus. I hope it’s still not doing that.  It was terribly annoying!

Two of my least favorite parking experiences are:

finding a parking spot, getting out of the car to run a quick errand, only to come out of the store and discover a big truck double parked blocking my exit, and,

 driving around the inside of a parking garage to finally find a parking space in the darkest spot in the garage, and none of the spaces are numbered. Saying to myself, “I am in Block B, on the 4th Level, next to the red convertible is a big mistake, because by the time I return, and look for my car, a big junker has taken the space of the little red convertible, and is hiding my car— and Block B is a mile long.

Before concluding, a word needs be said about parallel parking. It can be done in 4 easy steps:

“Pull up next to the car you’re going to parallel park behind. Align your rear axle with that car’s bumper. Turn the wheel toward the curb at full lock.Back up until the center of your inside rear tire aligns with the street side edge of the forward car. Straighten wheel, continue to reverse. When your outside tire aligns with that same edge, turn the wheel the other way.” Do not take the paint off of the car (eventually)  parked in front of you!

“On the wall at the rear of a lot was a sign which read,  ‘Municipal Employees and Municipal
Business Only. Please Respect This Parking Lot.’ Only in Nevada would someone ask you to respect a parking lot.  In New York the sign would read, ‘Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Stolen And Their Owners Eaten.”’ (Stephen King, Desperation).

Esther Blumenfeld