ROLL OVER

Sometimes, a newspaper headline will grab me, and other times it will grab my funny bone. On January 9, 2000, on the Business Page of the Arizona Daily Star, I read, “Robot that fetches toilet paper among gadgets at Electronics Show.” The Electronics Show was held in Las Vegas which convinces me that some things that turn up in Las Vegas should really stay in Las Vegas.

The article explained that, “A robot can fetch toilet paper when you are stranded on the loo.” It went on to explain that this robot also can“keep track of the elderly from afar.” Why, in the world, would someone want a close up of an old codger sitting on the “loo?” And, although privacy seems to be a luxury of the past, who would want a 6” tall robot, with the face of a bear, keeping him company in the bathroom? (even if it can fetch a fresh roll of toilet paper.)
Now, a Pillsbury Doughboy robot, in your kitchen, who fetches fresh rolls (the other kind) may be appealing, but only if it can also scramble eggs, make pancakes and pour coffee.

Proctor and Gamble, the company that owns Charmin Toilet Paper does not plan to sell toilet paper fetching robots. Personally, I always preferred Mr. Whipple who stopped at squeezing the stuff, and never intruded into the bathroom like Proctor and Gambles cartoon bears. Why can’t they just hibernate somewhere else?

Another invention at the Electronics Show, which was mentioned in the article, is a gizmo that monitors water leaks from your alarm system and tracks usage. If the system tracks more water than is usually running through the lines, the monitor will automatically shut off your water. That sensor might really be helpful unless you are doing your laundry, running the dishwasher, and taking a shower—all at the same time. Oops!

So, let’s get back to tracking the old folks. The article says, “What are your Grandparents up to?  Sensors can monitor the elderly from afar.” These gadgets can let you know if your loved one has  gotten out of the reclining chair and moseyed into the kitchen for a can of beer, and can track how often the refrigerator is opened. And, it can measure if your dear one has showered  by measuring the humidity in the bathroom. I’m not sure if a robot with fresh rolls of toilet paper and three cartoon bears make a difference in that measurement.

And here’s the best news, the sensor can let your family know which rooms have been mostly occupied. George Orwell would love this stuff! The article did not explain just what happens when there is an unusual amount of activity in the bedroom, and the kids find out that Grandma has taken a boyfriend.

The University of Arizona is presenting a Forum to help students plan for an automated future. I doubt if unplugging your ear devices, making eye contact, and carrying on a real conversation with a real person is part of the curriculum. However, I do hope that taking good care of your thumbs is included.

Esther Blumenfeld