While being sequestered in my apartment for almost a year, my entertainment involved an abundance of thinking, as well as remembering the foolish, the fanciful, and, yes, sometimes even the profane.
So, here’s a smorgasbord for you to enjoy:
My husband, Warren was a quick thinker. When we were walking down a street in New York City a rude fellow yelled, from across the street, “Ya got the time?” Warren looked at his wristwatch and said, “Yes,” as we kept walking. It must have been a New York thing, because a block later another man yelled (They yell a lot in New York) “Hey, Buddy, where’s the subway?” Warren pointed down, and we kept right on walking.
My favorite Warren response was when he was about to begin a speech. A large folding screen had been placed behind him. Before he could open his mouth, the screen collapsed with a big bang. The audience gasped, and Warren said, “I think I am having a religious experience.”
There’s a story about a tourist from Arkansas who was visiting Boston. He was lost and stopped to ask a Bostonian for directions. “Sir,” could you please tell me where Washington Street is at?” The Bostonian replied, “In Boston we don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”
“Sorry,” replied the man from Arkansas. “Could you please tell me where Washington Street is at—You Jackass!”
That story reminds me of a time when I was 11 years old, and my parents took me on a trip to Chicago. Walking down the street they ran into some friends and stopped to chat in front of a store that had a “Going Out Of Business” sign in the window. Bored with the conversation, I slipped away and entered the store. I noticed a man looking at a counter display. The salesman yelled (People tend to yell in big cities) “You want something?” The man replied, “No, I’m just browsing.” Whereupon the salesman roared, “Then get outta here!” We both ran out.
Sometimes, even a compliment has left me speechless. For several years, I made egg salad sandwiches as a volunteer to feed the hungry. We served as many as 300 people in a seating. One man in line said, “You know what! Your egg salad sandwich is almost as good as the pizza I got out of the dumpster.”
A professor friend of mine, who was also a professional mediator, was invited to mediate a dispute between labor and management at a large company. Not only had the discussion become quite heated, the room was filled with smoke. The mediator suggested, “Let’s take a break, cool down and perhaps cut down on the smoking.” When he returned, the labor leader smiled at him and said, “While you were out of the room, we came to an agreement.” “Excellent!” said my friend. “What did you agree to?” The man from management said, “We agreed to let you go. Mister, this is a tobacco company.”
When Woodrow Wilson was Governor of New Jersey, he received a phone call informing him that a New Jersey Senator had died. As soon as he hung up the phone, he got a call from an ambitious politician who said, “I’d like to take the Senator’s place.” Whereupon, Wilson replied, “If it’s okay with the undertaker, it’s okay with me.”
One evening having dinner in a Chinese restaurant, I heard a woman say to her husband, “Harold, it’s not the egg roll. It’s our whole life.”
Many times bits and pieces from a long time ago take on a whole new meaning:
Winston Churchill said, “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.”
And sometimes bits and pieces give us hope for the future:
When watching the inauguration of President Biden, my 10-year-old friend, Julia said,
“This is a historical occasion. Can we celebrate with candy?”
Keep celebrating the laughter in life. It’s good for you.
Esther Blumenfeld