My dear mother-in-law used to say, “Live long enough and you will see everything.”
As wise as she was, I’m sure that even she could not have fathomed the potty training of cows.

I have a little 2-year-old friend named Paisley whose Mom tried to toilet train her. Mom showed Paisley the potty and explained the procedure. Paisley listened carefully, ran around the room and peed into her toy chest.

Believe it or not, researchers have now discovered that it may be easier to train a calf to urinate in a special pen than to train a toddler. At a lab in Dummerstorf, Germany animal behavioral scientists mimicked the toilet training of toddlers putting cows in a special pen, waiting until they urinated and then giving them a sweetened drink as a reward. If the cows urinated outside the pen, they got a spritz of cold water. I don’t think Paisley’s Mom squirted her.

It just so happens that cows urinate a lot (“8 gallons a day from one cow”) and according to the EPA this is a serious environmental problem causing 7% of U.S. greenhouse gases. Combined with cow bowel moo-ments that’s not a good thing! Consequently, toilet training animals could make it easier to manage waste products. Who would have thought that the earth might be saved by windmills, solar panels and cow potty pens.

Pigeons used to be trained to carry secret messages behind enemy lines. Surely, a wise pigeon scientist could find a way to train them to poop on the enemy rather than on ledges in New York City.

On the other hand, looking at the sky and seeing the graceful flight of birds does not make most of us think of their bodily functions. I remember drifting in a small boat on a tranquil sea. My husband had chosen not to sit on the open deck but rather under the shady cover. As the first mate threw bread crumbs to the sea gulls, I marveled as they dove down and then up and down again. I remember that one man sitting on the open deck had begun our cruise with black hair. He looked like a very old, white haired man when we docked. Couldn’t all of those plastic bottles in the ocean been put to better use?

I am flushed thinking about the potty training of animals. How hard could it be? After all, think of all of those sheep that play“Follow the Leader.” Cats already have litter boxes. Can’t blame a cat for tainting the water. With dogs you can always scrape off the soles of your shoes. Obviously, there are bottom-less possibilities of containing waste to help save our planet.

But, then there’s the horse. I’ve seen diapers on horses in parades.  I guess you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him poop like a cow. However, isn’t it udder nonsense to think that cows are smarter than people—Or is it?

Esther Blumenfeld