Scientists have come up with a fancy term, “Relational Diversity” which predicts well being after sharing brief pleasant exchanges (small talk) with people.  Gillian Sandstorm, a researcher on the benefits of casual interaction says, “Although many of us hate small talk, the more you do it, the more natural it will feel.”

In my play, HERE AND THERE (Detroit Repertory Theatre, 12/28/2003) I wrote a brief interchange between a mother and her son, Josh— adapting it from an actual conversation I had with my own son.

            Josh
Mom, this time when you come to New York and we ride the subway, please don’t talk to people.
            Becca
What do you mean, don’t talk to people?
            Josh
It’s New York. You get on the subway. You get off the subway. You don’t talk to people.
            Becca,
Well, last time that old lady wanted to give me a bite of her sandwich.
            Josh
And I was afraid you were going to take it.
            Becca
You mean I don’t get to practice my Spanish? Donde esta el coche comedor?
            Josh
No, not Spanish, not English. People in New York don’t talk. Don’t even make eye contact. You think I’m kidding? There was an article in the TIMES about a corpse that rode the train at rush hour. The guy rode for 45 minutes, and 20 stops, before anyone told the police.
            Becca
Obviously, nobody made eye contact with him.

So, how does one develop the skill to share a brief pleasant exchange with even a relative stranger? First of all, you can say, “Good Morning.”  However, if the other person says, “How Are You?” my friend Lynn always says, “Compared to Who?” It’s called, shared reality.

Recently, someone told me that Himalayan Salt will cure leg cramps.  I went to “Trader Joes” and asked the young clerk if they carried, Himalayan Salt. He said, “Oh, Yes, my mother uses it for leg cramps.” Free corroborating information from small talk with a stranger. (And, Yes, it works!)

When visiting with an aunt in Buffalo, New York we saw an elderly lady, obviously dressed for church,  waiting at the bus stop. My aunt said to her, “Oh, you look so nice!” The lady hugged her, and she had tears in her eyes. She said, “Thank you so much! I really needed that!”

When talking to people you don’t know too well, it’s a good idea to avoid small talk about religion or politics or other sensitive matters. Waiting for my son in an orthodontist’s office, I saw a woman I had briefly met who was also waiting for her offspring. For some reason, she thought it okay to say something disparaging about an African American woman and her child who had just left the office. I said, “You are a Bigot!  Don’t talk to me!” Sometimes, small talk isn’t all that small after all.

Invariably, people will say to me,”You don’t look your age.” I now respond, “It’s the Genie in the bottle.” (Hair—not Scotch).

I think that young people miss out when they only communicate by smart phone or computers. I find it depressing, and often so do they. Communicating by thumbs is self-inflicted solitary confinement.  Also, making friends takes real person to person communication without a machine to intervene.

Small talk can break the ice, but be mindful how you use it. It’s better to start a conversation by saying, “Good Morning. You have such a nice smile”— rather than— “Good Morning.” Are those your real teeth?”

Esther Blumenfeld