STUCK ON YOU AND EVERYTHING ELSE

Someone in Guangdong China must be quite a practical joker!

I purchased a blouse, brought it home, and discovered an anti-shop-lifting device hanging from the sleeve. I knew that the only way to remove the “gator tag” was to either cut off the sleeve or return to the store. The magnetic strips on the tag were supposed to set off alarms, but obviously, this time, the electronic surveillance thingemajig hadn’t worked. It was made in Guangdong.

When I approached the saleslady, she removed the tag, and accusingly said, “How come the alarm didn’t go off when you left the store?” “Beats me,” I responded. “Maybe you should have your exit door removed.”

Electronic article surveillance was established in 1998, but it is a benign annoyance compared to those little plastic wire price tags that are attached to
most articles that can be clamped, hooked or bolted. They are fastened with an “Attacher Tagging Gun,” which is another argument for gun control. Most of the time, I end up cutting off only half of the tag, and then the other end of the plastic barb hides somewhere in an article of clothing, only to emerge, and then prick me at a most inopportune time, in a most unreachable part of my anatomy.

However, most aggravating of all, are the brand stickers on my fruits and vegetables. These little fellows contain the PLU (price look up) codes for the convenience of store clerks. This helps them so they won’t have to distinguish between red and green apples, and deciphers how the fruit was grown.

This technology was developed by an affiliate of the Produce Marketing Association. So, why, with all of this fancy numbering and sticking, didn’t any of those smart people figure out a way to remove the infuriating stickers from my tomatoes? I can vouch for the fact that they aren’t edible. When I inquired about sticker removal, it was suggested that I soak my fruit in warm water. I don’t even do that with my socks! The upside is that, if I can remove them, I can make a fashion statement by wearing banana stickers as tattoos.

My biggest gripe is the gluing of price tags on books. I love books and do not want anything adhered to them other than my opinion. And, it was suggested that I use lighter fluid to remove those sticky tags off the bottom of plastic cups. Common! Lighter fluid?

Esther Blumenfeld (I give up. The apple wasn’t so good, but the price tag was delicious)

LIKE THIS IS LIKE WHAT IT'S LIKE

A few weeks ago, I was listening to an award-winning interviewer on NPR (National Public Radio) and she used the expression, “My bad.” The next morning, once again, those two words showed up in the newspaper comic strip, Zits. “My bad,” it seems, is the new, ”I’m sorry.”

In 1887, Thomas Hardy wrote, in The Mayor of Casterbridge, “The universe likes nothing better than change.” I’d venture a guess that most teenagers haven’t read, The Mayor of Casterbridge, but they certainly like change---especially when it involves the English language. We used to call it “slang,” but now I think it is a linguistic revolution brought about by modern technology. Kids are better with computers than most adults, and have finally found a way to communicate without “POS” (parents over shoulder).

Some people will think that this creativity is “sick” (awesome, cool, or surprising), but it just leaves me “SMH” (shaking my head). My 15-year-old friend down the block would say, “Don’t get ‘salty’ (bad attitude) on me, while telling me that my new shoes are “ill” (great, cool). Recently, I asked her, “How is your new teacher?” And she replied, “He’s so fly.” That is good. But she had to cut our conversation short, because she wasn’t wearing a sweater, and the weather had gotten “dumb” (very) cold. She also said, “I have to go do my homework, so I won’t be put under ‘house arrest’ (grounded).

I don’t want to be “Old Testament” (old school) about all of this, nor do I want to “Nancy Drew” (over-analyze) it, but sometimes it’s “OBVI” (obvious) that I’m a bit “Jell-y” (jealous) when I try to communicate with kids, and I find that my efforts are on “Epic Fail” (task meant to be easy but isn’t).

Last night was “Flop” (didn’t work out). I was supposed to go to dinner with a friend, but she “flopped” on me. She’s such a “flop!” Then I got invited to a “Kickback” (a small party). Everyone was “uberklempt ” (excited) about the pizza, but the delivery was a “Big Fail Mary” (did not go as planned). The order was “jacked up” (messed up), and everyone thought that anchovies with pineapple tasted “rank” (gross).

Luckily, I had brought my camera, and had the “brillaz” (brilliant) idea to take a picture of the group. Unfortunately, it was a “fail” (failure) because the pizza delivery guy got in the way and caused a “photobomb” (ruined the picture).

Maybe because I exposed their secret language, teens will think I’m a “Hater” (assume I am ruining their lives on purpose). If they believe that, they are “pwned” (pronounced owned, and means, someone has proven you wrong). Because, by the time you read this article, I have already become a “n00b” (someone who doesn’t have knowledge of words for teens that are popular this week). For you purists, “n00b” is spelled correctly.

So read it and weep, or LOL (laugh out loud).

Esther Blumenfeld (my spell check just had a nervous breakdown)

 

MAYBE TOMORROW

It’s a statistical fact that over 30% of all tax filers wait until April 15th to file their taxes. All of us are familiar with procrastination. Webster defines it: “to put off from day to day; to defer; postpone.” When asked about procrastination, Robert Benchley said, “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”

Over 600 books have been written to help people snap out of putting off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and some people have even made careers by becoming, “anti-procrastination coaches.” I guess they dismiss all excuses until the guilty “feel the burn.” Psychologists have dealt with “stress guilt crisis,” and “student syndrome.”

Who hasn’t heard someone say, “I do my best under pressure.” They never add that drinking 12 cups of coffee and eating a peck of pickled energy bars is part of the equation. People who procrastinate have excellent excuses, but the truth is always lurking in there somewhere:

“It was recommended I avoid stress.” (So you didn’t go to class.)
“I was distracted.” (Video games are distracting.)
“Things happened beyond my control.” (Cats do throw hairballs—even into computers.)
“The task was trivial.” (If you don’t go to the dentist, your gums will reject your teeth.)
“I am a person who needs no sleep.” (Let’s pretend.)

So what are some reasons why people stall, postpone or as the Scots put it,
“let a-be?” Sometimes people are faced with an overwhelming task. Often it is also an unpleasant task such as drinking slop to prepare for a colonoscopy or a forthcoming family reunion---which can sometimes bring on the same reaction.

Being a perfectionist and fearing failure can also encourage people to “put it off,” “let it slide,” or simply “ignore it.” Unfortunately, most of the time,” It,” won’t just go away. Waiting for Providence is a very long wait, and the grass growing under one’s feet can soon become a meadow.

I don’t understand procrastinators, because I am the opposite. When assigned a task, I do it immediately, and am notoriously known for sending birthday cards a week before the person was even born. I arrive on time for appointments, and sometimes early for a really good party. Interestingly, although there are many descriptions and definitions for procrastination, it seems as if the linguists could not agree on an antonym for people like me. When I told a friend about this strange phenomenon, she said, “They probably never got around to it.”

The best definitions I could find in English Language Usage are “antecrastination (Latin inverse) or “proactive.” I guess I’ll have to settle for “Do it now.”

For me, Annie (who had a musical named after her) would sing:

“Just thinkin’ about Tomorrow clears away the cobwebs---”

But she was a fickle little girl, because the rest of her song is meant for all of you procrastinators out there:

“Tomorrow, Tomorrow.
I love ya Tomorrow!
You’re always A day A way!”

Esther Blumenfeld (Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday—Don Marquis)

IN DAYS GAN BEI

When traveling to a foreign country, many Americans don’t attempt to speak the native language. They rely on the premise that “Everyone speaks English.” I, on the other hand, make an attempt---feeble as it may be---to learn a few words, so I can skid and slide into the culture as best I can. My trick is that if I can’t come up with a word or two in a foreign language, I just make them up. I have discovered that most of the time when I invent a few words, people assume that I am mumbling, or they don’t really listen anyway, so it’s usually not a problem.

However, several years ago, I was an honored dinner guest at an elegant home in Mexico City. It was a rather large crowd, and the host was the only person (other than I) who spoke English. Luckily, I had my handy-dandy English/Spanish phrase book with me, and I was able to nod and smile a lot, but unfortunately, at dinner, a woman sitting next to me asked me a direct question---just when the host was called out of the room for a telephone call.

Suddenly, the room fell silent and everyone looked at me expecting an answer in Spanish. I thought she had asked me a question about my son, so after flipping through the phrase book (which was no help at all) I valiantly attempted an answer. Whatever I said left very little oxygen in the room, because it brought on a universal, shocked intake of breath around the table. Happily, after looking at each other, and then seeing my bewildered expression, everyone burst into gales of laughter. To this day, I don’t know what I said, but the hostess spilled a dish of flan into my lap. I think it was an accident.

In Barcelona, I ordered tapas in Spanish and was served a dish of fried critters that were delicious, if you could avoid looking into their tiny eyes. The problem with learning only a smattering of several languages is that I tend to mix them up. If I can’t remember a word in French or Italian, I fall back on my lame Spanish and hope that the romance languages are close enough to soften the heart of my listener. I can speak kindergarten German, and have found out that German sounds best when you have postnasal drip.

Japanese is easy, because if you keep bowing and handing out business cards, you never have to say a word. Only two languages have a single word that means “Hello, Goodbye and Peace”---“Aloha” in Hawaiian and “Shalom” in Hebrew. I always suspected that Hawaiians are the lost tribe of Israel. Everyone understands you in Russia when you shout “Vodka!”

For me, foreign languages have always been a grand adventure. I figure that even when people speak the same language, too often they have trouble communicating, so I might as well try a few more along the way.

Esther Blumenfeld (Skall! Prost! Salut! Gan Bei! L’Chaim! Kampai! Noroc! Nostrovia!)

A NEW YEAR

Here it is—-2024!  So, now what?

It’s a given that all of the broken pieces from last year haven’t gone away. They are still waiting to be put back together again. That’s a bit overwhelming.  However, there is still much to be grateful for.

For instance, if you are reading this column, you have lived to see another day. It’s an opportunity to enjoy the love of friends and family—Well, maybe not all of  your family members who are still knocking about, but then life has never been perfect. The good old days are nothing but selective memory. However, choosing to remember the good times is probably very healthy.  Love and friendship, and the joy of living, never go out of style, and laugher is a life force.

It’s a given that no one has led a charmed life, and today is a good time to take measure.  Obviously, all of us have survived the bad days, and have been able to recharge enough to go on with whatever challenges we meet. It’s good advice to try to live one day at a time with gratitude for having made it this far relatively intact—even though sometimes it seems as if the scale of life is heavily weighted in the wrong direction.

In Greek mythology, Pandora was ordered never to open a box which had been left in  her care by Zeus, King of the Gods. However, her curiosity and dealing with the unknown got the best of her.  She opened the box and released all of the evils of mankind—war, pestilence, anger, jealousy and many other unspecified evils which were released into the world.

Desperately, she tried to shut the lid, but it was too late except she did manage to stop the last
small glimmer of a thing that shone in the box .  It was HOPE!

Pandora did not lose hope and neither should we.  So, in 2024 let’s hang on to hope for better times to come.

I wish for all of you the best of health, the best of times and a measure of tranquility and peace.

Esther Blumenfeld