A Road Less Traveled

Philip Roth said, “The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress.”

After years of hard use, the street in our community went from bad to worse to non-existent. Where does asphalt go when it turn turns to dirt? It got so bad that even a chicken wouldn’t cross this road---no matter what was on the other side.

Consequently, since it is a private road, it was time to assess neighbors to pay for a new street. A few people didn’t want to pay for a new street, so, unsuccessfully, they tried to convince the rest of us that the cracks, holes and exposed dirt were an excellent example of street art that we should preserve in perpetuity for generations to come. And, after all, the potholes hadn’t swallowed any small children. Their reasoning came to naught, and eventually everyone paid their fair share.

The pulverizing, grading and paving of the streets commenced, and I discovered the joy of driving behind a very slow caterpillar tractor. Traffic went from slow to crawl until suddenly everything stopped with a thud. The roadwork was delayed because Comcast, the folks who lovingly bundle phones, computer, and television reception, had not buried their cables deep enough and some of the neighbor’s cable lines had been pulverized with the rest of the street.

The repair took a day and then the blue-staking folks arrived. As I understand it, blue-staking prevents big machines from digging up utility lines, hidden treasure and vampires. Now the road schedule was thrown off for two days, and neighbors didn’t know when they would be allowed to leave their houses. It was a scary time because we had been warned that driving on hot asphalt would not only melt our tires, but  would also permanently embed our cars in the road---making the street art vision come true.

I had some additional problems: the U.S. Congress had shut down my mountain, our street would be hotter than hell, I had thrown my knee out of whack and out-of-town guests would be arriving just when the asphalt was to be spread.

“Think outside the box,” I told myself. I could always hire a helicopter to drop my friends into my backyard, stick my knee into the warming asphalt for a heat treatment, and vote the bums out.

Happily, my knee popped back from whence it had been, and the road was finished the day before my company arrived, and I have decided to make my next vote really count!

Esther Blumenfeld (“The reason the Romans built their great paved highways was because they had such inconvenient footwear.”) Charles de Montesquieu.

No Reverse Gear

When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a pilot or a bartender. I was told that, “Girls don’t fly,” and my mother forbade me from becoming a bartender. It wasn’t the mixing of drinks that intrigued me, but I was curious about all those imaginative stories that I suspected customers must tell.

When I attended college, I wanted to write comedy for television, but was told that only one woman wrote for television.  Her name was Agnes Nixon and she wrote soap operas that weren’t very funny. Then I thought of having a career operating television cameras, but was told that I would never get a job, because I could never join the Cameraman’s Union. The professor added, “And you girls learn to type.” I took his advice and began typing my life-long observations---and eventually got paid for them.

Some people think life is a crapshoot and others think it’s a matter of choices. It’s probably a combination of both. I knew a successful salesman in Atlanta who struck up a conversation with a Japanese man while sitting in the Atlanta airport. The young man told him that the Japanese were going to import automobiles to the United States, and asked the salesman if he would be interested to have the franchise for the southeastern part of the country. The salesman thought to himself, “Who in his right mind will buy a Japanese car?” and he politely refused the offer. The young man was a representative from Toyota.

There are always decisions to be made when coming to that inevitable fork in the road. Hindsight can be an entertaining exercise when thinking, “If I had done this instead of that.” However, it’s a dangerous game when one says, “If I had ONLY done this instead of that.” There is a difference between wistful thinking and unreasonable regret.

In 1978, Berkshire Hathaway stock sold for $175 a share. Today the stock is trading at $175,852.00 a share. Now that is a wistful twinge at its best.

You don’t have to be a student of World History to realize in hindsight that---so often--- if humanity had zigged instead of zagged, the world would be in a different place---maybe better---maybe not.

It’s probably healthier to live the life we have today, rather than dwell on an imagined life built on unfulfilled dreams. As far as I know, there are no magic lanterns giving us go backs. Ah, there’s the rub.

When I was in Windsor, our guide told us that the Queen of England enjoys driving her automobile, “But Her Majesty is a terrible driver!” I often imagined that I would have had my 15 minutes of fame if she hit me. Think of the headline, “Tourist run over by the Queen.” Imagine the lawsuit! Wow! I could have had it made. Now that is some hindsight.

My friend, Al Fisher said something quite wise, “I’m actually a better person than I used to be, but I’m not as good as I’ll be tomorrow.” It’s called, foresight.Try it, you just might like it.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Hang on to the good memories. Have no regrets. Proceed”) anonymous

Watching Paint Dry

I complained to a friend about the agonizing process I have to go through while trying to get a production for my most recent play. She tried to comfort me by saying, “I read that it took one playwright 20 years to get his first play produced.” I replied, “I don’t have that much time.” Barbara Johnson said, “Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you feel like stripping your gears.”

My mother used to say, “If you are patient when untying a knot, you will be patient with your husband.” Obviously, she never heard of the legendary Gordian Knot that was so impossible to untie that Alexander the Great supposedly sliced it in two. I think that is where the expression, “thinking outside the box” originated.

I agree with Dame Edith Sitwell who said, “I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.” It’s been said that good things come to those who wait, but I don’t want to wait so long that I’ll be too old to enjoy them.

Young people today are masters of instant gratification. They are the “I want it now!” generation. So how does a parent teach patience to a child who’s been raised on instant messaging and fast food dinners? And, does patience really matter?

In the 1960’s, a Stanford University Professor tested the will power of 4-year-olds. He gave them some marshmallows and told them they could eat one right away, or if they waited 15 minutes, they could have two---and then he left the room. Observing the children through a one-way window, he discovered that only 30% of them could wait. I guess they figured a marshmallow in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, and how long is 15 minutes anyway to a four-year old?

Over the years, he kept track of the children and found out that patience and the ability to wait might predict later success in life. Those who waited were more positive, better motivated, had higher incomes and healthier relationships. I wonder if he had a control group of children who didn’t like marshmallows.

Of course, hard work and patience can pay off in musical or athletic training---or when tackling any new task. My 84-year-old friend Fay brags that while patiently following the instructions of a new phone friend from India, she crawled around the floor under her desk, sweating profusely, while disconnecting and re-connecting all kinds of wires to fix the glitch on her computer. I think she should have bragged about getting up off the floor.

Steven Wright suggests that the next time you are stuck in traffic, miss a flight, or are waiting in line at the post office, be patient and remember that, “the sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“All things come to him that waits---provided he knows what he is waiting for.”) Woodrow T. Wilson