SOOTHSAYING

Fortune tellers in Romania are not only being taxed, but authorities are now proposing a new bill that threatens fines or prison if their predictions don’t come true. In this economy there’s even a hex on witchcraft.

Recently, I declined an invitation to a philanthropic event that featured a psychic as entertainment. The woman who answered my telephone call said, “This man can tell you the name of any song you have playing in your head.”  I replied, “If he’s that good, he already knows I’m not coming. Besides, why do I want someone to tell me what tune is in my head when I already know?”

Obviously, I’m not big on mumbo jumbo. Some people swear by divination. I can wait 24 hours for tomorrow to arrive with all of its surprises, but there are those Nostradamus folks who want to predict the future in order to avoid the pratfalls in their path, or to be able to say, “See, I told you so.”

I admit that on occasion I have a taste for a fortune cookie, because the message is always cheery and I can eat the messenger, but I don’t take these little messages to heart.

For those who yearn to delve into the spooky, here are some specialties that might appeal to you, if you can find these folks:

Onychmancy:  Reading the future from reflections in a Virgin’s oiled fingernails. In the 21st Century, this may prove difficult. Never met a woman with oily fingernails.
Haruspex: Reader of entrails. You might want to ask your broker about this one.
Kephalonomancy: Tell the future from listening to the crackling made by burning a donkey’s head. PETA would object.
Hydromancy: It has to do with swirling waves and other wet activities, but the practitioners are a “reclusive lot.” This is probably because they have their heads under water.
Rumpology: This involves predictions by reading the lines on buttocks.  Certainly, there are some of those around.
Uromancy: Divination by reading bubbles made by urinating into a pot. This might work for toddlers.

Truth is absolutely stranger than fiction. Here is my advice: If you don’t like what your Horoscope tells you, pick another month. Enjoy the tea, and throw out the leaves, and if anyone reads your palm, use a hand sanitizer.

Esther Blumenfeld (Chinese Fire Rat)

WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?

This morning I went to my car to collect all of the left-over coupons offered by my favorite store, and then I destroyed them. BED, BATH,  and all of those useful products, have gone to the great store closing..BEYOND.

As far as I can remember, it began with the famous rivalry of two department stores in Midtown Manhattan—GIMBEL’S and MACY’S which were located two blocks from one another.  GIMBEL’S motto was “Nobody But Nobody Outsells GIMBEL’S.”  And, MACY’S countered with, “Does MACY’S Tell GIMBEL’S?”—a warning about giving secrets to ones competitor. Unfortunately, some of the secrets leaked out, because sadly eventually MACY’S swallowed GIMBEL’S which was the start of something BIG!

It seems, as if everywhere I lived, MACY’S did the dirty deed. MARSHALL FIELD’S was the gem of Chicago. MARSHALL FIELD’S  display windows, as well as magical children’s department, enchanted Chicago at Christmas time. MARSHALL FIELD’S,  the store famous for Frango Chocolate Mints—disappeared into the belly of MACY’S.

Then we moved to Atlanta, and shopped at Atlanta’s favorite department store, RICH’S, a trusted family establishment. People used to call RICH’S just to chat with their friendly telephone operators, and any merchandise could be returned if the customer wasn’t satisfied. Mothers even told their children, “If you don’t behave, I will return you to RICH’S.” When my son, Josh was a very little boy, I took him on his first city bus ride to RICH’S, where I treated him to lunch at the beautiful Magnolia Room.  What he liked the best was that I spilled a glass of Coca Cola (big medicine in Atlanta) on my white coat. Unknowingly, while I blissfully shopped at RICH’S, MACY’S took over DAVISON’S a major competitor, and then MACY’S also gulped down RICH’S.

However, now it seems “What goes around, comes around,” because since 2020 MACY’S has now targeted 125 of their own stores, and has probably closed one in a mall near you. It seems as if department stores will soon go the way of the flightless Dodo bird, including the closing of SEARS the store that absorbed “AND ROEBUCK” in 1895 when Alvah Roebuck didn’t like SEARS financial gambling, so he sold out his shares and remained at the firm as a repairman.

The AARP Bulletin, (May 2023) featured an article, “The Future of Shopping.” The writer claimed that “Upcoming shopping will be more engaging, and entertaining.” Right away I thought, “I don’t want a clown fitting bras.” The article also claimed that “Dressing rooms will be spa like retreats.” That will be lots of fun with a 2-year-old in tow. And, the article also enthused with, “Second hand goods will be sold on racks right next to new stock.” I guess they want to compete with popular Consign Stores. Also, major retailers are expanding to store-within-a store programs.  I wonder if this means that you can get your dog washed at MACY’S?

Then there’s all that digital stuff:  “Your phone is now a favorite store.” So, why would anyone ever have to leave home? I still like to browse in a store.  It can be educational and fun.  Running around looking for a salesperson is good exercise!  

Also, I don’t care where you buy your Frango Chocolate Mints. They will never taste as good as those I bought at MARSHALL FIELDS!

Esther Blumenfeld

SAY WHAT?

The day my son said to me, “Mom, no one uses that word anymore,” and I replied, “I just did!was the day I decided that the art of conversation has gone the way of callused thumbs.

Tapping a text message requires no colorful language, nuance and certainly no eye contact— except with your cell phone. So, before all is lost, here are some helpful hints for the conversationally challenged:

 It takes more than one person to have a conversation, and
 It helps if one has something worthwhile to say.  “I just flossed my teeth” is not stimulating chitchat.
Some people drone on and on  because they find the sound of their own voice extremely entertaining. A drone is a pilotless missile.
Silence does not always require sound. Pregnant pause does not necessarily require delivery.

It seems as if everyone likes to talk, but few people listen. Maybe it’s because if you are the only one speaking, you don’t have to hear what the other person wants to say. Sometimes that can be a lifesaver, but on the other hand, listening can be illuminating.

I often go to restaurants by myself, and have decided that eavesdropping is okay if the speakers at the next table have turned up their volume. However, out of compassion, I did tune out one couple after the woman exclaimed, “It’s not the egg roll Harold, it’s out whole life!” Not sure I wanted to hear the rest of that.

Some people talk very fast. They are from New York. The rest of the world is not. Some people mumble. That is a great cover for being a teenager, not knowing the answer to a question or having a mouthful of pasta.

My last two hints for the conversationally challenged are:

5. Do not say, “Get to the point,” because you can’t assume that there is one.
6. Don’t start a conversation with, “How are you?” You just might find out.

Esther Blumenfeld (say what?)

YOU ARE HOW OLD!

For my recent birthday, a friend sent me a greeting card that pictured two women leaning over the hood of a car inspecting the engine.  The message inside the card said, “It’s all about maintenance.” Boy! is that true! Another card said, “Sure, you’re a year older, but things could be worse.” The inside of the card read, “You could be old and pregnant!” My friend then added, “Take Care!”  Not to worry.

I am blessed with the love of family and the treasure of friendship. I do not take any of that for granted.  Being thought of on one’s birthday is truly a gift. It doesn’t matter if the heartfelt good wishes come in the form of greeting cards, e-mails, text messages, or phone calls—being remembered is the greatest gift of all!

I have no patience with the curmudgeons who pooh-pooh their birthdays and say, “I don’t want to celebrate my birthday. What’s the big deal about getting older?” When I hear that, I always give them something to think about when I say, “I, for one, am happy that your parents had SEX!”  The visual alone will shut them up.

So, now I am a few days older than I was a few days ago.  Some say that, “Age is just a number.” Well, in my case it’s a pretty big number.  My dear husband, Warren used to say, “When you are retired, you only need to learn one new thing a day.”  That is good advice. However, I believe that one good deed a day is also a good idea.  You are very lucky if you can do this good deed early in the morning, because then you won’t have to be nice the rest of the day.

My mother-in-law always said, “If you live long enough, you’ll see everything.”  She was right. No one lives a charmed life.  Sometimes, it’s very, very hard getting from one day to another.  On the other hand, when the good times roll, life is sublime, and, if you are smart, you will discover the balance—because that’s what life is all about.

I know that there is still time for me to become a better person. It’s a worthy goal. However,  if I don’t accomplish my mission, I hope that my life will have been good enough.  A little laugh here and a little laugh there just might help—because,  when you  boil it all down—“Life is truly ridiculous!”

Esther Blumenfeld