GETTING THERE

I never thought I’d ever have anything in common with Keith Richards (The Travelllin Man) until recently when he announced, “The Rolling Stones won’t tour anymore.”  At 82 he said, “The wear and tear of traveling takes it out of you!” Of course, I was never on the road like he was, but for me, it’s the airport hardships that I just can’t face—- ALONE. 

In the good old days, I used to be able to fly directly to my destination  unless I was going overseas, but not anymore. Now, in order to get anywhere, I have to visit a “Hub.”  Unfortunately, no longer am I able to run from gate to gate—let alone from terminal to terminal.Consequently, I am relegated to taking a wheel chair. A friend told me, “Tip ahead of time.“ I took her advice, and when I waved a  $10.00 bill into my pusher’s face, he would bless me all the way to my gate. Now, things are different, because people who use wheel chairs are getting younger and younger. They have figured out that it’s an easy way to get through the airport.  Then, they have the audacity to jump out of their wheel chairs before they even stop rolling. Now, it’s more difficult to get a wheel chair—let alone finding someone to push it.

I have a 93-year old friend who was picked up at the Baggage Department by her children at the Washington State airport.  They were amazed to see their Mother pushing her wheel chair.  No one came to take her to Baggage, so she put her carry-on and purse on the wheel chair and pushed it herself.

It was easy for me when coming home from Cuba with my son and daughter-in-law.  My son, Josh pushed my wheel chair, and we arrived at Customs in no time. The agent asked Josh if he had packed any liquor. Josh had packed the allotted amount of Rum.  Then the agent leaned over his desk and asked me, “Did you pack any liquor?”  I said, “No, I drank it on the plane.”

Changing planes is one problem, but then—of course—there are the delays. When flying to Hawaii the plane had a two-hour delay so the mechanics could fix the movie projector. Another time when flying home from New York, it took three hours for the replacement crew to arrive. They got a standing ovation from the passengers. Then there was the time at O’Hare Airport in Chicago when one of the runways was out of commission and we had to circle the airport for five hours.  It reminds me of the saying, “Takeoffs are optional. Landing is mandatory.”
Recently, my brother, David came to visit me.  He was supposed to fly from Tampa to Atlanta and from Atlanta to Phoenix.  He sent me a text, “My plane will be on time from Detroit.”

Then there are the TSA adventures.  A friend of mine told me that when the TSA Agent unzipped her carry-on, her bras went flying everywhere.  Unless he was looking for slingshots she carried no weapons.

After boarding a plane there are the seating rules. 

Smile, Say “Hello” and then Shut Up!
Keep your feet and garbage in your own footwell.
Do not recline your seat during meal time.
If you have to leave your seat, it’s better to gently waken the passenger next to you rather than aggressively climbing over her so she won’t wake up screaming.

As Keith Richards would sing, “Who’s driving your plane? Are you in control or is it driving you insane?”

Esther Blumenfeld

PLAYTIME

Ask any child, “What is your favorite period at school?” and he answers, “recess!” For a few years, school districts dismissed recess as a frivolous waste of time, but on December 31, 2012, the Academy of Pediatrics stated that recess should not be withheld from children, because it can “benefit children’s cognitive, academic and social development.” It also contributes to physical fitness. They failed to mention that a recess break keeps teachers from going completely batty.

Some psychiatrists claim that freedom of play helps children develop the skills of adulthood. I recall recess as running around time, hanging upside down on the monkey bars and dodging balls that were thrown my way. It never occurred to me to catch them. Playground bullies also honed their skill pushing littler boys around and throwing earthworms at the girls. I wasn’t especially afraid of earthworms, but screamed and ran away with the other sissies.  I wasn’t a very fast runner, so I kept yelling, “Hey, you guys, wait for me,” and usually ended up with skinned knees and elbows. Maybe that’s why I’m still more of a loner than a group person.

When Congress opens in January, and immediately the Senate goes into recess, freezing the Chamber on its first legislative day, they do this so they won't have to debate. So much for “cognitive, academic and social development.” Right out of the gate, the senators choose not to think, learn or get along with each other. 

When the Academy of Pediatricians recommended the benefits of recess, they were talking about little children---not big babies. When grown-ups display this kind of behavior, it is unacceptable, and I recommend that they play nicely with the other slackers or be sent home.

Recent polls reveal that  voters rank Congress as less popular than cockroaches and colonoscopies. Maybe  Senators should learn that recess shouldn’t be their favorite period. If they don’t want to be expelled, perhaps they should leave the fun of recess to their grandchildren and stick to bathroom breaks.

Esther Blumenfeld (There’s nothing like recess in the rain) 

VISITORS THAT DON'T SHOW UP

FINALLY!  The long awaited files have been released—No, not the Epstein Files. Now the American People can access the declassified UFO (Unidentified Flying Objects) Files that the Government has been hanging onto for decades. 

Conspiracy minded individuals will now discover that there is no evidence that the U.S. Government has had any interaction with bald little white men with big eyes and pointed ears from other planets. There is no reason to believe that other beings have visited us. The collection includes more than 160 files and over 400 “incidents” from all over the world.

Some of my favorite alien stories involve:  

The SIBERIA  CHICKEN  SKIN ALIEN:  In 2011 a video showed two Russian men discovering a wide-eyed alien corpse in the Siberian wilderness. The local police investigated and got a confession that the “extraterrestrial” was made of bread crumbs stuffed into a raw chicken.

THE FLATWOODS MONSTER: In 1952 a group of people in West Virginia saw a “terrifying 10-ft tall creature with glowing eyes floating in the mist.” Turns out that the alien was a barn owl perched way up on a tree branch.

In 1995, Fox TV aired fuzzy black and white footage of a surgeon dissecting a large-eyed (they always seem to have big eyes) alien. In 2006 the film-maker admitted that the “alien” was fake. It was sculpted from sheep organs and a dummy. 

And then there was the farmer who, in 1979 sued NASA for $20,000.00, because aliens had landed a spacecraft on his farm leaving  a circular burn mark.  He accused NASA of a cover-up. The judge dismissed the case because the burn marks obviously were left by a tractor.

In 2020 people in New Jersey saw a Spacecraft with blue flashing lights. Turns out it was the GOOD YEAR BLIMP “coming in peace."

When it was reported that there were UFO’s soaring over Haiti, the Los Angeles Times found the source. A professional animator, testing his work, had spent 17 hours creating UFOs on his MacBook.

Most recently, in 2019, South Korea radar detected “traces of flight by unidentified objects” headed to North Korea— just as President Trump was set to meet with Kim Jong Un.  Happily, the Joint Chiefs of Staff discovered that the UFOs were flock of birds.

My opinion, although it is worth about as much as you have paid for it, is that some people look at all of the misery on Earth, and tell themselves, “This can’t be all the life there is in the vast Universe.  There has to be something better out there.”  Or, they think, “We have to prepare ourselves for something out there that is much worse.”The truth is that we will probably never know, and it just might be smart to fix what we have been given.  Think how much better this earth could be if every inhabitant did one act of kindness everyday—just one act.

The Greek myth of Pandora tells us that Pandora opened a forbidden box unleashing all evils upon the world.  She quickly slammed the lid shut, leaving only HOPE inside.  Now it is up to us not to slam the lid shut on HOPE, but make it work for a better world for all of us.

Esther Blumenfeld

FIFTEEN PRESIDENTS AND ME--PART THREE

Bill Clinton served from 1993 to 2001.  Clintons’s Presidency was primarily characterized by
“The longest peacetime economic expansion in U.S. history.”The economy featured job growth and the first federal budget surplus in history.  It was an economic boom. However, my personal life took a turn. My husband and I had both retired—He from a University Professorship, and I from my journalistic and book writing careers.We moved from Atlanta to Tucson, Arizona in 1994, and sadly, he died in 1998.  To tackle my grief, I turned to play writing.
Times had changed in many ways, and although, in the past, former President’s sexual relationships were not press fodder President Clinton was not protected. Consequently, he was exposed in more ways than one, but that did not prevent him from getting the people’s vote a second time.  After all, as James Carville always said, “It’s the economy stupid!”

George W. Bush, the son of George H.W. became our next President (2001-2009). It was a challenging time in the world. On 9/11/2001 on a Tuesday morning, the terrorist group Al-Qaeda flew two planes into the World Trade Center in New York— causing their collapse. My son, Josh lived in New York at the time, and after a successful stint as an actor, decided to return to graduate school. Consequently, he was scheduled to take a refresher course somewhere downtown, and I was unable to reach him by phone. When I was finally able to contact him, he told me that he had witnessed the second Tower being hit, and had gone to a hospital to donate blood.  He had been in a voting booth which  had prevented him from going downtown earlier. That day began our “War on Terror,” with invasions on Afghanistan (2001) and Iraq (2003). President Bush also had to navigate the 2008 financial crisis as well as the response to Hurricane  Katrina in New Orleans. When he left office, he resumed his love of painting and did not involve himself in politics.

Barack Obama,  served as our 44th  President  from 2009-2017. Several momentous events happened during President Obama’s tenure. On May 6, 2012, Josh married Barbara Binzak, and  I got a daughter-in-law!  The second most important event was that voters selected the first African-American  to hold the office of the Presidency. My parents were right when they taught me that America is a melting pot where people from all over the world enriched our Nation, bringing with them their cultures, music, food and creativity. President Obama passed major health care reform, managed financial recovery and authorized the mission that killed the Islamic Militant Osama bin Ladan, who founded the terrorist organization responsible for the 9/11 attacks. President Obama was awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.

At this point in my story,I don’t have enough perspective to evaluate the impact of the Presidencies of either Donald Trump  (January 2017-January 2021) and his “America First Trade Policies” or the Covid-19 Pandemic.  The historians will have many more years to unravel his— as well as— Joe Biden’s term (2021-2025) that focused on economic recovery— post Covid, infrastructure investment, and withdrawal from Afghanistan. Nor can I consider the effects of Donald Trumps second term  (2025—?) as he continues to follow the theory of  “Deconstruction of Government.” However, I do know that when we celebrate the 250th birthday of our Nation, we must acknowledge that the population of our Country is now a majority of people of color, who have come to the United States to build a better future for themselves and their children, and if my parents were right, it will benefit us all.  In 1992 Salsa overtook Ketchup, the best selling condiment in the Country, and in the 1960’s and 1970’s Yoga became a mainstream fitness regime.  I suspect that much of the present political upheaval comes from fear of change. However, in the meantime, some of those who bear resentment still go to the beach in the summer and lay in the sun to turn their skin brown, because they think brown is beautiful.  Go figure!

So that’s my history with the Presidents.  Of course I left a lot out, but I do know that “The good old days” are selective memory.

Esther Blumenfeld

FIFTEEN PRESIDENTS AND ME--PART TWO

In 1969 Richard the, “My wife doesn’t wear a mink, but a respectable Republican cloth coat,”Nixon became my 6th President. Granted, Chinese food tasted a lot better after Nixon visited Beijing in 1972, a diplomatic move that ended 23 years of isolation between the U.S. and China.  However, the Watergate scandal during the 1972 campaign was  linked to Nixon’s re-election when his cohorts were caught breaking into Democratic Headquarter at the Watergate in Washington, D.C.  Nixon went on TV and said, “People have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well I’m not a crook.”  Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman and the Washington Post  didn’t believe him, but he won the election and served until he was forced to resign on August 8,1974, and his Vice President, Gerald Ford took office.

Gerald Ford pardoned Nixon, because he wanted to save the Country the agony of a trial, but that was probably why voters did not grant him a second term. Ford oversaw the end of the U.S. Involvement in Vietnam, and his decency was a breath of fresh air.

The presidency of Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) brought me into the fold. Living in Atlanta, it was very exciting to have a candidate from my home state, so I volunteered. My job was to go through some of the correspondence. One day, I opened a letter threatening the “peanut farmer from Plains.  Many of the words in the letter were misspelled, but the sender did leave her address on the envelope. Carter had many foreign policy successes including the Camp David Accords between Israel and Egypt, and he also established the departments of Energy and Education. However, his term involved the Iran Hostage crisis, and that is what ended his Presidency. After his term, Carter dedicated himself to good works in the world, and that impact is still felt today.

Who could have thought that a former actor would become President of the United States?  Ronald Reagan, who had appeared in over 50 films, such as BEDTIME FOR BONZO, and who had been President of the Screen Actors Guild, took the helm from 1981-1989. It was the first time since John Kennedy that I enjoyed listening to a President give a speech. His Presidency saw the rise of the new right conservative wing of the Republican Party. I especially liked that Reagan and Tip O’Neill (the Democrat Speaker of the House) were best friends even though the disagreed politically. It was “friendship after 6 p.m.” when the two “Irish Fellows” would get together. Seventy days into his second term Reagan was in the hospital after being shot, and Tip O’Neill was at his bedside.  Reagan won a second term after defeating Walter Mondale. I remember taking my son to Democratic Headquarters to show him the work of volunteers. Unfortunately, there was only one old man—with no fingers,— stuffing envelopes. At that I knew than Mondale didn’t have a chance.

Reagans former Vice President, George H.W. Bush served as President from 1989-1993.His goal was to “Use American strength as a force of good.” He defeated Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis, whose unforgettable photograph of him sitting in a tank with a helmet falling all over his face probably did him in. He just did not fit in that tank.  Unfortunately, President Bush picked Dan Quayle from Indiana as his running mate. Quayle was known for instructing a twelve year old child at a Spelling Bee to add an “e” at the end of the word “Potato”.  He also criticized Murphy Brown for having a child out of wedlock.  He picked a fight with a fictional character played by Candice Bergen on a television comedy show. In the meantime Saddam Hussen invaded Kuwait and President Bush dealt with the battle known as Desert Storm and routed the enemy army.   Despite his popularity, President Bush was unable to overcome a failing economy and high deficit spending, and lost the election to William Clinton.

TO BE CONTINUED ———                Esther Blumenfeld