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    Esther Blumenfeld  

    The purpose of this web site is to entertain.  My humor columns died along with the magazines where they were printed, although I cannot claim responsibility for their demise.  I still have something to say, and if I can bring a laugh or two to your day, my mission will be fulfilled.

    Everyone I know thinks he has a sense of humor.  Here is my unsolicited advice. If you try to be funny and no one laughs, don’t worry about it.  However, if you try to be funny and no one EVER laughs, you might have a little problem.

     

    Friday
    Jun052026

    FIFTEEN PRESIDENTS AND ME--PART TWO


    In 1969 Richard the, “My wife doesn’t wear a mink, but a respectable Republican cloth coat,”Nixon became my 6th President. Granted, Chinese food tasted a lot better after Nixon visited Beijing in 1972, a diplomatic move that ended 23 years of isolation between the U.S. and China.  However, the Watergate scandal during the 1972 campaign was  linked to Nixon’s re-election when his cohorts were caught breaking into Democratic Headquarter at the Watergate in Washington, D.C.  Nixon went on TV and said, “People have got to know whether or not their President is a crook. Well I’m not a crook.”  Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman and the Washington Post  didn’t believe him, but he won the election and served until he was forced to resign on August 8,1974, and his Vice President, Gerald Ford took office.

    Gerald Ford pardoned Nixon, because he wanted to save the Country the agony of a trial, but that was probably why voters did not grant him a second term. Ford oversaw the end of the U.S. Involvement in Vietnam, and his decency was a breath of fresh air.

    The presidency of Jimmy Carter (1977-1981) brought me into the fold. Living in Atlanta, it was very exciting to have a candidate from my home state, so I volunteered. My job was to go through some of the correspondence. One day, I opened a letter threatening the “peanut farmer from Plains.  Many of the words in the letter were misspelled, but the sender did leave her address on the envelope. Carter had many foreign policy successes including the Camp David Accords between Israel and Egypt, and he also established the departments of Energy and Education. However, his term involved the Iran Hostage crisis, and that is what ended his Presidency. After his term, Carter dedicated himself to good works in the world, and that impact is still felt today.

    Who could have thought that a former actor would become President of the United States?  Ronald Reagan, who had appeared in over 50 films, such as BEDTIME FOR BONZO, and who had been President of the Screen Actors Guild, took the helm from 1981-1989. It was the first time since John Kennedy that I enjoyed listening to a President give a speech. His Presidency saw the rise of the new right conservative wing of the Republican Party. I especially liked that Reagan and Tip O’Neill (the Democrat Speaker of the House) were best friends even though the disagreed politically. It was “friendship after 6 p.m.” when the two “Irish Fellows” would get together. Seventy days into his second term Reagan was in the hospital after being shot, and Tip O’Neill was at his bedside.  Reagan won a second term after defeating Walter Mondale. I remember taking my son to Democratic Headquarters to show him the work of volunteers. Unfortunately, there was only one old man—with no fingers,— stuffing envelopes. At that I knew than Mondale didn’t have a chance.

    Reagans former Vice President, George H.W. Bush served as President from 1989-1993.His goal was to “Use American strength as a force of good.” He defeated Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis, whose unforgettable photograph of him sitting in a tank with a helmet falling all over his face probably did him in. He just did not fit in that tank.  Unfortunately, President Bush picked Dan Quayle from Indiana as his running mate. Quayle was known for instructing a twelve year old child at a Spelling Bee to add an “e” at the end of the word “Potato”.  He also criticized Murphy Brown for having a child out of wedlock.  He picked a fight with a fictional character played by Candice Bergen on a television comedy show. In the meantime Saddam Hussen invaded Kuwait and President Bush dealt with the battle known as Desert Storm and routed the enemy army.   Despite his popularity, President Bush was unable to overcome a failing economy and high deficit spending, and lost the election to William Clinton.

    TO BE CONTINUED ———                Esther Blumenfeld

    Friday
    May292026

    FIFTEEN PRESIDENTS AND ME


    One of my favorite books is “All About Me” written by Mel Brooks. Borrowing from his title, I decided, for my 90th Birthday to write a kind of “All About Me” with snippets about all of the Presidents who served during my lifetime.

    In 1939 I had my 3rd birthday on the ship coming to America. Franklin Roosevelt was President, and with the help of a small congregation in Springfield, Missouri as well as the Junior Senator of the State, my family and I escaped the Nazis. Speaking German, I refused to learn English, because I wanted people to speak the way I did.  My Father told my Mother not to worry because, “The children on the street will teach her English.”  Everyday I’d come into the house after playing outside, and everyday, Mother would ask me if I learned any English.  I always said, “Nein!”  One day she asked me, “ Did you learn any English today?” and I said,
    “SHIT!, BOOGER!, !.FART!”  On the radio, we listened to President Roosevelt’s Fireside Chats. 
    However, one day he announced that the Japanese had attacked Pearl Harbor—“A day in infamy,” and the U.S. was at war.

    On April 12, 1945 President Roosevelt died, and his Vice President, (who had only served for 82 days) became President. Harry Truman, the former Junior Senator of Missouri—who helped save our lives—became President of  the United States. Truman was a feisty fellow. I always liked his response when in 1950, Paul Hume, a Washington Post Music Critic wrote a negative review about Margaret Truman (Harry’s daughter) and her singing. The President sent a handwritten letter calling Hume “an eight ulcer man on four ulcer pay,” and he threatened that if he ever met Hume, “He will need a new nose.”  I always wished that my Father had the same response, when a tall, big boy called me a “Dirty German!” I raised my fist and bloodied his nose while shouting, “I am an American Girl!” 

    In 1953, a year before I went to college, Dwight Eisenhower became President.  He must have liked the person who drove him around, because he decided that the United States needed many more highways and less railways.  Even today, when I am caught in a traffic jam, I think of Dwight Eisenhower.  He intensely disliked his Vice President, Richard Nixon because he felt that “Nixon isn’t cut out for the role of President.” I always wondered if that was why he had a heart attack during his second term.

    John Kennedy, the youngest man to be elected, became President on January 20, 1961. Ike viewed Kennedy as a “young whippersnapper,” but when he met him in the 1960’s he grew to like and respect him. By then, I had graduated from the University of Michigan, and gotten married in1958. A few professors  had influenced my professional life. Professor Roe, who taught playwriting encouraged me to consider it for a profession.  I took his advice fifty years later.
    What do I remember about John Kennedy? It was easy to identify with a young , articulate President, and enjoy his glamorous family who gave us a touch of Camelot. I remember the first televised debate between Kennedy and Nixon.  Kennedy was cool—Nixon was covered in sweat.  Kennedy gambled twice and won when avoiding the Cuban Missile Crisis with Russia, and when Marilyn Monroe sang “Happy Birthday, Mr. President “ at the celebration.  His assassination on January 20,1961 was a great tragedy for the Nation.

    On that day, in 1961, Lyndon Johnson became President, and all of his good works for a Great Society and Civil Rights were overshadowed by a continuing war in Viet Nam. I also didn’t like to see our President pick his dog up by the ears. However the highlight of our lives happened on August 18, 1967 when my husband, Warren and I became parents of our dear baby, Joshua.
     
    TO BE CONTINUED———-Esther Blumenfeld

    Friday
    May152026

    SORRY ABOUT THAT


    When I was a little girl, my nemesis, LuAnn Perinood, bit me on the arm. I went home crying, and my Uncle Harry roared, “I’m going to kill her!” Eventually, I forgave LuAnn, but I never quite forgave my Uncle Harry for not carrying out his promise. He shouldn’t have said he was going to kill her, if he wasn’t going to do it.

    Some people have a problem with saying, “I’m sorry.” I don’t understand that. If I’ve done something to be sorry about, I own up to it. Of course, “Sorry!” isn’t enough. For instance, if you step on a friend’s glass eye, you should offer to pay for it---or at least help him put it back in.

    If you have offered a genuine apology, the other person should accept it, unless it’s something like eloping with your best friend’s fiancée. “I’m sorry,” might not sound sincere in that case.  Wait a few years.

    Of course, there are some people who like their anger, and don’t have the capacity for forgiveness. Anne Lamott said, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”

    If your child spills his drink on your sofa and says, “I’m sorry,” don’t yell at him. Just pretend that he is company and say, “Don’t worry about it.” Accidents happen. That’s why they are called “accidents,” not “on purposes.” And, by the way, what makes company more precious than your child?  But I digress.

    Forgiveness is really a liberating emotion. A woman came to her rabbi and told 
    him, “I have held a grudge against my sister for 20 years.” The rabbi, said,
    “If I dropped a hot coal into your hand, what would you do?” She said, “I’d drop it.” “It’s time,” he replied, “to do that with your grudge.” My gift is that I can’t stay angry with anyone.  It’s simply too exhausting. I have learned, “Don’t let anyone live rent-free in your head.” 

    The best advice I ever received about forgiveness is this: “Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.”

    That’s comforting!

    Esther Blumenfeld

    Friday
    May082026

    PLAYING IT COOL


    When it’s114 degrees outside no one has to tell me that, “It’s officially summer.” However, the weather certainly becomes a conversational icebreaker. Someone should really invent a stopwatch that pinches a person’s wrist the third time he says, “It’s hot outside.” When you live in the desert, everyone should know that summer means HOT! Unusual weather is the kind you get only when you are on vacation somewhere else---anywhere else.

    When someone asks me, “Doesn’t it get hot in Tucson in the summer?” I always say, “Yes it’s terrible. I think you should move to Florida.” We already have enough people who have moved here. Until the monsoon rains arrive, with their spectacular lightening shows over the mountains, the Arizona heat is very dry. It feels something like sticking your head into an oven. I still find that preferable to (my Florida friends please forgive me) breathing in the swamp air in Florida, a place that gets so hot and humid that the dampness curls your toes.

    As Mark Twain said, “Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.” 
    Some people hate London when it’s not raining. Go figure. I guess they say, “Oh, 
    Dear, it’s not raining again.” 

    I find hot weather much less annoying than the people who complain about it. It’s not the heat, it’s the birdbrains who move to the desert and then say, “Wow, It’s hot in the desert.” 

    Of course, no one would live here if it weren’t for that cool fellow, Willis Carrier, who invented the first modern air conditioner in Buffalo, New York. No wonder Buffalo is so cold in the winter.  Residential air conditioning was introduced in the 1920’s that enabled migration to the Sun Belt.

    A few years ago, I took a river cruise on an old tub to Portugal. The air conditioner broke down, and since it was American made, they couldn’t get a part until after we limped to the next port. It was then, that I was happy I was a desert rat.  I had learned what the natives did in the summer heat in Tucson, before air conditioning was invented. I took the top sheet off of my bed, dampened it with cold water, wrapped myself in that wet sheet, and opened the balcony door. I cooled off the old fashioned way---covering my head when the flying bugs attacked.  It was kind of like an over heated horror movie.

    While waiting for the cooling monsoon rains, I remind myself of the blizzards in Chicago, the icy roads in South Dakota, and shoveling mountains of snow in Indiana. As Carl Reiner said, “ A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.” And, as much as I hate to admit it---Weather really isn’t all about me.

    Esther Blumenfeld (“Weather forecast for tonight: Dark!) George Carlin

    Friday
    Apr242026

    NOODLE BRAINS AND OTHER CHOICES


    Teddy Roosevelt said, “In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing.”

    Everyday, we have all kinds of choices. Go to the grocery store and decide which cantaloupe to buy. You can thump, press and smell it, and still wind up with a dud, but there’s an easy solution for that choice. The mushy melon can be dumped into the garbage or returned to the store.

    It’s not so easy when choosing people who will have an impact on our lives. I have a friend who married a beautiful, vivacious woman. His bride was 25 years his junior. The marriage didn’t last because he said, “My history was her trivia.”
    When I was a kid, I asked my Mother, “How will I know when I’m in love?” She said, “You’ll know,” but she never told me how. I guess she should have said, “Finding a best friend is a good start.”

    For those who say; ”Everything happens for a reason,” my answer is, “Sometimes the reason is that you made a bad choice.” The choices you make matter.

    When I lived in Georgia, two men were running for Governor. The Democrat was an avowed racist, and the Republican was a noodle brain. At the same time, there were two excellent gubernatorial candidates in California---one a Democrat and the other a Republican.  I could have, in good conscience, voted for either one of them. However, being a resident of Georgia, I had to decide which wrong choice felt the least wrong, so I voted for the noodle brain. Plato said, “If you don’t vote, you will be governed by your inferiors.” In Georgia, I had no choice about who was running for office. I could only do the best with the deck I was dealt.

    SPOILER ALERT!  Obviously, I am getting into the realm of politics---something you are advised never to talk about at a party.

    I have discovered that you can talk about politics before dinner, during dinner and after dinner---if you are with like-minded people. However, if that is not the case, it’s a good way to call it an early evening, and get home in time for the NBA playoffs.

    One of my favorite poets, Robert Frost wrote; “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I---I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.”  I don’t believe in chance. I believe in choice, and that we are all accountable for our actions.

    Bear with me. I’m trying to be diplomatic here---keeping in mind that, “Diplomacy is the art of saying, ‘Nice Doggie’ until you can find a rock.” (Will Rogers)

    As citizens, we are asked to make a monumental decision in November. I am not so presumptuous as to tell people how to vote, but to quote my friend, Robert Orben, “Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?”

    Esther Blumenfeld (“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”) Milton Berle