GIDDY UP!

A man saw a little boy digging a hole in a pile of dung.  “Why are you doing that?” asked the man. “Well,” said the little boy. “There’s got to be a pony in there somewhere.”

When the University System of Georgia decided to put their old folks on ice flows and float them out on the waves of a Retiree Health Exchange, I started digging in the dung.

First, I was informed that to get on the Exchange, I had to be enrolled in Medicare B. “What are you talking about?” was my response. “I have been on Medicare B since 2001.” Turns out that when the University System changed computers in 2009,I was inadvertently put into the “Non” Medicare B category. They tried to tell me that it was my fault for the monthly overpayments I had made for six years.

My friends urged me to write a letter of complaint. They said, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” (Not original, but really very nice people!) So, I sent a letter to the Vice Chancellor on the Board of Regents, and after playing the; “I’m an old widow lady card,” I received a total refund---but no pony, because now I had to deal with the health insurance switch.

I was given a three-hour window to sit by my telephone to be interviewed by a trained insurance agent. After receiving two hours of information, my telephone ear had turned to stone. At that, the information lady told me that she had another appointment, and we’d have to re-schedule to sign up for the plans I had chosen. Ten minutes later, I had another question and decided to call her back and leave a message with my question. However, she answered the phone and said her appointment had been cancelled, so we could finish the process.

Taking a minute to switch the receiver to my other ear, I said, “Okay, let’s get this over with.” It took her another two hours to read all of the legal requirements for each policy. It was the same information for each policy. “Do, you understand?” she said---each time. Not only did I understand, but, by now, I had memorized every word. Finally, the interview was finished. Both of my ears were cast in stone---but still no pony.

Not only was I required to wait for approval from the different insurance companies; I was to call her back in January to arrange the payments for my bank. I thought I was finally finished. No such luck. I received information from the University System that I could keep my dental insurance for another year. Naturally, I had signed up for coverage with a different company. So, I called the University offices to remove my dental coverage. They said, “We are busy. Do it by computer”--the same computers that had screwed me up the first time!

Grinding my teeth, I told them what they could do with their freaking computers, and that they should remove my old dental coverage.  Unfortunately, I tried to send this message by computer, and the request came back ten times telling me to make the request “above this line”---the very same line that I had typed above ten previous times. Finally, I got a real person who said, “I can do this for you, if you send me an e-mail so I have proof that I did it.” With a flick of his finger, he eliminated my old dental insurance and I acknowledged the act.

You’d think by now I could stop shoveling, but “NO!” Now I have to find out if my University Term Life Insurance expires before I do.

Esther Blumenfeld (Giddy-UP!)

MEOW! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

In ancient days, cats were worshipped as Gods. In my son and daughter-in-law’s home nothing has changed. However, as Mary Bly noted, “Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”

Radar is a fifteen-pound, Norwegian Forest Cat, and the spoiled ruler of a house in Fairfax, Virginia.  On his good days, he allows my son and daughter-in-law to share space in some of the rooms in the house, but wherever they are, they have been trained to make room for the “Boss.” Radar thinks they are his entourage.

So, when I walked into the house with my suitcase, Radar walked around me, took one look and decided to wait for his chance to let me know who’s in charge. Yes, I had been there before, but I am sure he remembered that I had locked him out of the guest room, and that I would need some re-training. He found his chance, when, early one morning, the two of us were left to our own devices.

I settled down at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee, became engrossed in a good book, and totally ignored Radar’s shenanigans. He climbed wherever he knew he was not supposed to roam, but he wasn’t my cat, and I wasn’t about to discipline him, until he suddenly jumped up on the table, and began eating the beautiful flowering cactus I had bought for a centerpiece for Thanksgiving dinner. I moved it to the top of the refrigerator. Turns out that Radar is a high jumper. He flew up to the plant, slipped, and then, pathetically, hung from the top of the refrigerator until he slid down to the floor.

Knowing that my kids would be heartsick if the cat got cactus flower poisoning, I locked the centerpiece in the bathroom. I had lost round one. When I returned, I found Radar sitting on my book with his nose in my cup of coffee. Since I did not know how to move him off the table, I retrieved my coffee, left the book to him and grabbed a magazine.  I won round two.

At that, Radar decided to change tactics. He walked across the table, put his little face close to mine and now we were nose to nose. He stared at me with his mesmerizing green eyes and purred when I petted him. Our battle was a draw.

At that point, I poured a little cream into his bowl, and in no time flat we became good friends. I still didn’t let him into my room, but when he got into trouble, I didn’t tell. But then, with a wink, he didn’t tell on me either.

Since I have returned home, I think of Radar often---especially when I pull long cat hairs off of my black slacks.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Meow means ‘Woof’ in cat”) George Carlin

EPIC EXPERIENCE

One extremely hot summer Monday, I decided to go to a movie in the early afternoon. The Exodus movie, “Gods and Kings” was featured at a new trendy theatre which advertized comfortable reclining chairs, blankets, pillows and well-prepared meals served at your seat.

I knew the ticket would be a bit pricey, but I was game for the, “put your feet up and enjoy the movie” experience. The theatre lobby was most impressive with its full-service bar and dining tables.  Approaching the ticket booth, I was instructed to choose my seat location. Since it was the first show in the afternoon, I had my pick of seats, and when I entered the theatre, I discovered that I was going to have a private showing, since I was the only one in the audience.

Climbing into my reserved reclining seat, I began to study the seat controls. I pushed the first button, and suddenly flew back into a total reclining position, which gave me a spectacular view of the theatre ceiling. A gentle voice said, “ I think you probably want to adjust that,” whereupon my movie waitress brought me back to a sitting position. She also said, “Your light is blinking.” Sure enough, the light next to my seat was doing that. “Can I take your order?”

The cheapest item on the menu was an ice cream cone, so I ordered that. When she left, I figured I still had some time to get familiar with the seat controls, so I slowly began the reclining process again. This time my headrest reclined, but my shoulders didn’t move, so I switched to the leg control. That went pretty well as my legs slowly elevated. I stopped the upward movement when my ice cream arrived, because I found it awkward to eat ice cream with my head back and my feet in the air. So, I repositioned myself back to the starting position.

The theatre lights dimmed, but my waiter-theatre-light did not. I finished my ice cream and watched Christian Bale, who pretended to be Moses, rise up against the nasty Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses. According to the script, they had been really good pals when they were children, but had a falling out when they grew up because Moses decided to set 600,000 Jewish slaves free and skedaddle out of Egypt.

I slowly put my back into the reclining position and raised my feet on an incline. Now my tailbone was in a leather bucket.  In the meantime, Ramses got really stubborn and refused to let Moses and the slaves leave. So, God, who suspiciously sounded like Darth Vader, visited the Egyptians with some really cinematically icky plagues. I was wearing flip-flops, so I watched fish die and frogs inhabit a stinking land, through the toes of my left foot. When the gnats and swarms of flies inhabited the earth, I decided it was time to raise my legs a bit more so I wouldn’t have to watch the livestock die.

When the Egyptians developed really ugly graphic boils (bad pimples) I decided it was time to push the reclining button way back, so I could count the tiles on the ceiling. Unfortunately, I sat up too soon as the locusts arrived.

The only plague that wasn’t featured was my reclining seat. Had Ramses been given one of those, he would have let Moses leave much sooner. So after Darth Vader finally smote the first born of the Egyptians, Ramses finally let everybody go. I think he said, “Get Out!”

By now, I was sitting up again. The sea had parted and Ramses, who obviously couldn’t make up his mind, began chasing Moses and the multitudes that had successfully crossed a big river. The waves were building up. Ramses and his army didn’t have surfboards, but they kept coming.

At that moment, the check for the ice cream was delivered, and the cheerful waitress lit a flashlight so I could pay my bill. The theatre lights came up. The movie was over, but I had missed the dramatic conclusion. 

After making sure that my chair didn’t have a life of its own, I climbed out and hurried back to my house.  Luckily, I had the book at home, and read the rest of the story while sitting up straight in my favorite chair.

Esther Blumenfeld