Splendid Isolation

Going to lunch with my friend, Suzanne is always a special treat, because this internationally renowned artist understands the creative process. I asked her, “What do you need before putting brush to canvas?” “Solitude,” was her answer. “But,” she added, “right now I’m working on a painting in my mind.”

Willie Sutton said, “It’s a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night.” Of course, he said it while shoveling money into a burlap bag, but in a weird way he too understood the joys of solitude.

Often people will ask me where I get my ideas. Ideas are easy. Developing them in a creative new way requires the freedom of self-isolation. There is a difference between choosing to be alone or loneliness, because solitude never hurts unless it drives you nuts.

For those of you who can’t stand being alone with yourself, the best way to describe it is--- I’m the one who would like to be the only person in the forest to hear the tree fall---and then write about the experience. Solitaire is a card game for one player, but it is also a diamond set by itself. I prefer diamonds.

Of course, I am fiercely devoted to my friends and enjoy a raucous get-together probably more than most people, but periods of silence are needed to stimulate the imagination.

On a rainy day, throw a blanket over the dining room table and watch a child create a tent or a castle. Give a toddler a gift in a big box and see him discard the toy in favor of the box. Buy a house with a climbing tree and a swing. Then unplug the electronics and send the kid outside. She will discover that solitude is sometimes the best company.

So what do I think about when I hike alone in the mountains? This is what I pondered today: “If Richard III, the last Plantagenet King of England had known that he would end up in a parking lot would he have offered his Kingdom for a horse or a BMW?”

Esther Blumenfeld (“Share your loneliness. Treasure your solitude”)

Seeing Is Not Always Believing

This morning, I had breakfast with my friend, Sandra who is a master. No, she does not run a tugboat or own a plantation. Sandra is a member of the Canadian judiciary. I asked her, “Is it ever difficult to render a decision?” She replied, “Sometimes, even when confronted with evidence, one has to be careful to arrive at the correct conclusion.”

I asked her to give me an example. “That’s easy,” she replied. “I have a friend who is expecting a baby. She also has a three-year-old daughter. While trying to explain her pregnancy, she showed the child an ultrasound of the baby. ‘I want to call Grandma’ was the excited response. So they did. The little girl grabbed the phone and yelled, ‘Grandma, Grandma, we’re going to have a frog.”’

Christopher Columbus was looking for a direct sea route to China and the Indies. He proved that the world is not flat, but instead of discovering the Indies and Chinese take-out, he unearthed the joys of the tobacco plant. After a good smoke, he still insisted that he had discovered the Indies and shouted, “Isabella, Isabella, these folks are Indians.”

As far as the earth goes, most people grudgingly admit it isn’t flat anymore, but even if they see a polar bear in a bikini sipping pina coladas on an ice flow, these people will not recognize global warming. They will shout, “Al, Al, the ice cubes in my scotch and soda didn’t melt any faster than they used to.”

When I was in Alaska, I spotted a big black bear ambling very close to the van in which I was sitting. The driver stopped, so we could enjoy the bear and her cub. We also spotted a woman with a camera getting out of her car. My driver lowered the window and shouted, “Get back into your car.” “Why?” said the woman. “Bear,” said the driver. “So?” said the woman. I yelled, “Lady, Lady, it’s a bear—not a frog!”

Some people just don’t get what is directly in front of them. There are still some numbskulls that don’t believe that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. “They didn’t fool me. That was a fake moon landing filmed in a Hollywood studio. Besides, the moon is made of cheese and cows jump over it.”

The paranoid among us still don’t believe that the President of the United States was born here. Even his birth certificate won’t convince them. If one of these characters was privy to President Obama’s ultrasound, he would convince himself that he is right, and then he would shout, “Grandma, Grandma, our President is a frog, Hawaii is a foreign country, and I am as smart as a three year old.”

Esther Blumenfeld (The sun just sank into the sea)

How Much Did You Make This Year? Send It In!

Most people know that Thomas Jefferson wrote the framework for the Declaration of Independence. No one has to tell you who authored the Monroe Doctrine. And who could forget the Mann behind the Mann Act? But who knows who writes the IRS tax-instruction booklets?

January 27, 4:00 p.m. U.S. Internal Revenue Service, Atlanta office:

Question:  I’d like some information. Could you tell me who writes the instructions for the 1040 Federal Income Tax Forms?

Answer:  Well, Honey, I imagine a lot of smart lawyers up in Washington.

Q:  How many is lots?

A:  Hundreds of them do this, but if you want more information, write to the Commissioner of Internal Revenue in Washington.

January 27, letter:  Dear Sir, No one in the Atlanta tax office seems to know the answer to my question. Could you please inform me who writes the instructions for the federal income tax forms? Are they all lawyers? 

January 28,   Call-in TV Program: Q: Who writes the instructions for the federal income tax forms? A: The technical division of the IRS made up of educators.

Q: What kind of educators? A: Educators whom the IRS trains in tax law.

Q: Let me get this straight. You put lots of teachers in a room, train them in tax law and then they write the instructions for the income tax forms? A: No. They have separate offices.

January 29, Switch on car radio:  Guest: If your visitors have further questions, about filling out their tax forms, we have a number they can call. Host: How can they be assured they are getting the correct answers? Guest: We try to train our people carefully, but the Internal Revenue Service doesn’t guarantee any of the answers you receive from their employees. Switch off car radio.

February 3, Long distance call from Washington, DC:  IRS: Hello, I am a staff assistant for the Director of Internal Revenue calling in response to your letter.

Reporter: I’m glad you called. I’d like to know who writes the instructions for the IRS forms. IRS: A branch in the national office employs 40 people. Most of them have had agent experience in the field and have CPA, auditing and accounting backgrounds. We don’t do too much hiring off the street. Reporter: I’m glad to hear that.

IRS: There are also six writer-editors with English backgrounds. One is an expert in readability. Reporter: I figured you’d have at least one of those. IRS: We also have tax law specialists to interpret the code, regulations and revenue rulings. In May or June, we have open meetings around the country where the general public can tell us what’s wrong with the tax forms. Reporter: Do regular people attend those meetings? IRS: Rarely. We usually get CPA’s, Attorneys, Bankers and Computer folks.

Reporter: Okay, but 40 people can’t sit down and write the first draft. Who does that? IRS: A fellow named Art Shultz. Reporter: Isn’t that the same guy who draws PEANUTS?  IRS: That’s not funny! Copies of the draft go to an outside branch that represents each area including criminal investigation people.

Reporter: So to do this work, it is best to have an accounting or law background? IRS: Yes, but the job description doesn’t require either lawyers or accountants. Reporter: I guess that’s so you won’t get a lawyer or accountant off the street. IRS: What did they tell you in the Atlanta office? Reporter: They told me that hundreds of smart lawyers in Washington are writing instructions for us.

IRS: Actually, we’ve found that often people in the field don’t know exactly what we’re doing here in Washington. I know that because I was out in the field for years before I got this job.

So here’s what we learned: It takes 40 experts, sitting in separate offices, 52 weeks to write the instructions. And, if you don’t understand them and call the IRS for enlightenment, they are not responsible for the wrong answers they may give you.

Esther Blumenfeld (adapted from “Why Fool’s Day is in April,” by Esther Blumenfeld and Lynne Alpern, CREATIVE LOAFING April, 2, 1983)

Pretty Is As Pretty Does

My eyes always glaze over when visiting my favorite used bookstore. So many books! So little time! Naturally, I wasn’t paying attention as I rounded a corner and almost ran my shopping cart into two young women approaching from the opposite direction. First, I apologized, and then I stared. I had never, in all my years, seen two bodies totally covered from head to toe with colorful tattoos. As far as I could see, there was no skin space left untouched.

I pointed behind me and said, “The tattoo books are that way.” “Thanks,” said one of the young girls. “How did you know that’s what we were looking for?” “I’m psychic,” I replied. “That’s awesome!” said the other girl. She was the one with the tarantula on her exposed cleavage. I walked away wondering how far down that hairy spider would slip as gravity beckoned in coming years.

Obviously, perceptions of beauty differ. Judge Judy got it right when she said, “Beauty fades---dumb is forever.”

My mother was a very beautiful woman. She was the whole package with jet-black hair, a patrician nose, sapphire blue eyes and flawless alabaster skin. As she aged, her hair evolved into a white wavy cloud, but people still commented on her beauty. However, she began to worry about the “laugh lines” around her eyes. A friend told her that dabbing a moistened rectal suppository on those wrinkles would make them disappear. One morning, as he walked into the bathroom, my father discovered this ritual, and commented, “Dear, I think you are putting that stick in the wrong place.”

I don’t know who said that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” but he must have qualified it with “Love is blind.” Mother always said, “If you want to be beautiful, you must suffer.” She might have been right, because I understand that a full body wax is like being flailed but not quartered.

In Saul Bellow’s book, Ravelstein, Ravelstein says, “Young women are burdened by glamour maintenance.” A friend of mine in the fashion industry once told me that models that look like twigs are sometimes so hungry that they will eat Kleenex.

I have seen young women, pursuing beauty, with more holes in their heads than they were born with. Nostrils, ears, cheeks, lips and tongues are pierced and studded. The most memorable was a belly button hammered shut with a spike—wide and long enough to hang a slab of beef.

Several years ago, I received a gift of a neck message aboard a cruise liner. Naturally, the masseuse wanted to sell me some of the expensive beauty products aboard ship, so she asked me, “If there is one part of your body you’d like to change, what would that be?” I thought for a few moments and answered, “Honey, I have had these body parts for 60 years. By now, I am pretty used to them. I don’t think I want to change a thing.”  Jean Kerr said it best: “I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want---an adorable pancreas?”

Esther Blumenfeld (a smile is the best face lift)  

Winking With Both Eyes Is A Blink

When I was a kid, we used to play, “The Staring Game.” It was cheap entertainment. All that’s involved is sitting eyeball to eyeball with a friend, start staring at each other, and the first one to blink loses the game. The only way I could ever win was to cross my eyes, and make the other kid laugh.

Scientists have discovered that the average person blinks 28,800 times a day. I can’t imagine being asked, “What’s your son’s job?” and answering, “He’s a blink counter.” But, it’s a job, and I guess someone’s got to do it.

New research from Osaka University in Japan discovered that blinking might do more than just lubricate the eyes. In fact, it may serve to “momentarily rest the brain, giving the brain a break to wander and go offline.” According to this research, blinking and the brain at rest are related.

I know that life can change in the blink of an eye, but I also know that all the blinks in the world won’t make a boring conversationalist disappear. I’ve tried it. I blink and they still keep on talking.

One valuable bit of information that the blink counters have discovered is that there is a correlation between lying and blinking. Because deception requires intense concentration, liars blink less while telling a fib, and then speed up afterwards. So, if someone says, “Nice to see you,” and then blinks really fast, you know he doesn’t mean it---or has an eyelash in both eyes.

Winking is kind of like blinking only it’s done with one eye. I once knew a girl who had one blue eye and one brown eye. She was an expert winker, but it was quite disconcerting because one time she’d wink blue and the next time she’d wink brown.

I can wink well with my left eye, but have to scrunch my face to wink with the right one. Maybe it has to do with the part of the brain I use for winking, or maybe it’s because I’m just a klutz.

It’s a proven fact that all mothers have eyes in back of their heads. Those eyes are good at the staring game, but I can promise you that they will never blink.

 Esther Blumenfeld (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean? Know what I mean?  (Monty Python)