Installing A Zipper

Do you suffer from these symptoms---anxiety, dread, shortness of breath, panting, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth or the inability to articulate words? Well, if so, you may be experiencing Pentheraphobia---fear of your mother-in-law.

On Sunday morning, May 6^th, 2012, I was a regular person. At 5:30 p.m., on that same day, I became a mother-in-law. I am very fortunate, because my son gave me every Jewish mother’s dream---a doctor and a lawyer. Barbara has quickly become my favorite daughter. That is a no brainer, because she is my only daughter, but she is still my favorite.

Wanting to be the best mother-in-law I can be, I asked several of my more experienced friends for advice. Without exception they told me, “Keep your mouth zipped.” That will be easy because as far as I am concerned my son’s wife can do no wrong, and who in her right mind wants to argue with an attorney?

Hoping to pick up a few hints from my computer I googled “mother-in-law.” At first I was bombarded with nasty jokes. I know that mother-in-law jokes are the mainstay of comedy. The premise is that the average mother-in-law considers her child’s mate unsuitable, and the stereotype of this “battle axe” mother-in-law is an overbearing and obnoxious person. These jokes date back to the Romans who delivered them during times of drunken debauchery. Mother-in-law revenge is that no Roman tells those jokes anymore.

After deleting the bad jokes, I found some helpful hints how the new mother-in-law can develop a relationship with her new daughter-in-law:

Accept who she is. (Ignore the Hells Angels tattoo.)

Refrain from criticizing her cooking. (Eat the squirrel stew and smile).

Always invite her to family functions. (Do not seat her at the children’s table).

Share family stories. (You might want to skip the story about the hanging).

Be neutral, diplomatic and kind. (You will know you have it made if a hurricane is approaching and your daughter-in-law tells you to take shelter).

But what about the mother-in-law who wears a black veil to the wedding and when the couple is asked, “Do you take---?” She shouts, “Over my dead body!” My handy, dandy google search also gave suggestions how to handle a difficult mother-in-law.

Be polite but firm during a baiting episode. (Ask your spouse to take away her liquor).

Ignore her if she follows you into the bathroom.

Rehearse comebacks such as, “We are not discussing this anymore. Would you like a Jawbreaker?”

Offer an olive branch. (But not during allergy season).

So here’s my advice. Heed the story of King Solomon. Two women came to him claiming to be the mother of an infant. Since DNA had not yet been discovered, he suggested that they cut the baby in half. “That’s better than giving it to her,” said the first woman. “No,” cried the second woman, don’t hurt the baby give him to her.” The King said, “You, are the real mother because you’d rather give up the baby than harm him.” The old King was right. Cutting someone in half is never a good idea.

Esther Blumenfeld (Mom #2 and loving it!)

Bon Appetit

Several years ago, my husband and I were on holiday in San Francisco. After an early up-and-down-hill walk, we stopped at a small restaurant for breakfast. The tables were all taken, so we sat at the counter. A man entered and plopped down on the stool next to me. The waitress greeted him and said, “Do you know what you want?” “Yes,” he replied. “I’d like a glass of water, 11 fried eggs and nothing else.” After the man finished his eggs and left, my husband said to the waitress, “Wasn’t that a bit unusual?” She shook her head and said, “Yes, he usually orders a dozen.”

Scientists tell us that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It kick- starts our energy, keeps metabolism running higher and improves cognitive abilities---especially in young children. That’s why I used to tell my teenage son, “Josh, Coca Cola and cold pizza is not breakfast food.”

I’ve always been a morning person, so I have no problem rising with the sun at 5 a.m., but I have to eat breakfast before taking my morning hike. My friend, Barbara is also an early riser, but unlike me, she doesn’t eat a morsel (I eat several and then some) before her 7-mile hike. All she needs is a jolt of caffeine. Barbara agrees with the writer, Joanne Sherman who said, “I have a ‘carpe diem’ mug and, truthfully at six in the morning the words do not make me want to seize the day. They make me want to slap a dead poet.”

When Radar the cat wakes up, he wants breakfast, so he jumps on the bed and slaps my son across the face. “What goes around comes around.” When Josh was a toddler and wanted breakfast, he used to wander into the bedroom before sunrise, lift my eye-lid and say, “Mommy are you in there?” A poke in the eye beats an alarm clock every time.

Truman Capote’s Holly Golightly snacked on a pastry in front of Tiffany’s. The title of his book came from an anecdote popular among Capote’s friends. An out-of-towner was asked, “Which glamorous restaurant in New York would you like to visit?” He answered, “Well, let’s have breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

Breakfast in bed sounds about as appealing as spending a night in the hospital. Movies make it sound romantic, but in real life, breakfast in bed usually means spilled coffee and berries chasing crumbs across the sheets.

On a book tour, I was once put up in a Bed and Breakfast. The bed was comfortable, but I had to eat breakfast with a bunch of chatty strangers. The only stranger I would enjoy having breakfast with is the comedian Steven Wright. He said, “I was at this restaurant. The sign said, ‘Breakfast Anytime’. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.”’

 Pass the syrup

Esther Blumenfeld (“The bagel is an unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis.” Beatrice and Ira Freeman)

Pack It Up

All of us pack something every day. Whether it’s a backpack, a purse or a briefcase, we cram our important “stuff”---the things we know we can’t do without---into this “Hold All.”

On the rare occasions that I empty the contents of my handbag, I am always amazed at what pops out. Several years ago, my husband and I went sailing, and he asked me to put a lemon into my purse in case he became seasick. The sail went well and no one got sick. When we docked, we walked to a shore side bar, and he ordered a drink with a slice of lemon. “Sorry.” said the bartender, “We are all out of lemons.”  I sang out, “No, problem. I’ve got one right here,” as I pulled the lemon out of my purse. “Wow!” said the bartender, “Do you grow those things in there?”

In my family, stuffing food into a valise is not unusual. When my husband returned from a trip to San Francisco he pulled a loaf of sourdough bread out of his briefcase. I preferred that to the squashed lobster from Boston, or the floral bouquet festooned with a black ribbon. When he pulled out those droopy flowers, I asked, “Why do they have a black ribbon?” He replied, Senator Talmadge died today, and they were giving them away.

Now that airlines charge $20 and more for a piece of luggage, packing a suitcase has become the biggest challenge of all, unless you want to wear 6 sweaters and 3 pair of slacks on the airplane. It is estimated that major airlines lose approximately 2 million bags every year, and they don’t give refunds. So, many people don’t check luggage, but rather cram everything into carry-ons. That is why people are pushing and punching their luggage as they put it into overhead compartments. I saw a family with 4 rent-a-kids take up space in 5 overhead compartments to conquer their fear of loss and save some bucks. Each little tot dragged a heavy suitcase onto the plane.

I went to YouTube to get some tips on “packing light” which, for me, is an oxymoron. Rolling clothes or bundling is recommended. I watched a young man give a tutorial on bundling, so now, after rolling my clothes into a bundle and stuffing it into a suitcase, I too, can travel like a hobo.

I have met people who brag that they can travel for months wearing one pair of socks and underwear. They can get any seat on the airplane they want.

 Here then is some advice from this experienced packer:

Always leave room in your luggage for souvenirs, but do not pack those beautiful conch shells you have collected on the beach. Those shells are the homes of slimy critters that will emerge and die on your clothes. When that happens, your suitcase will become a coffin that you will have to bury while holding your nose.

Esther Blumenfeld  (Another suitcase in another hall----Madonna)

Maybe Tomorrow

It’s a statistical fact that over 30% of all tax filers wait until April 15^th to file their taxes. All of us are familiar with procrastination. Webster defines it: “to put off from day to day; to defer; postpone.” When asked about procrastination, Robert Benchley said, “Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”

Over 600 books have been written to help people snap out of putting off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and some people have even made careers by becoming, “anti-procrastination coaches.” I guess they dismiss all excuses until the guilty “feel the burn.” Psychologists have dealt with “stress guilt crisis,” and “student syndrome.”

Who hasn’t heard someone say, “I do my best under pressure.” They never add that drinking 12 cups of coffee and eating a peck of pickled energy bars is part of the equation. People who procrastinate have excellent excuses, but the truth is always lurking in there somewhere:

“It was recommended I avoid stress.” (So you didn’t go to class.)

“I was distracted.” (Video games are distracting.)

“Things happened beyond my control.” (Cats do throw hairballs—even into computers.)

“The task was trivial.” (If you don’t go to the dentist, your gums will reject your teeth.)

“I am a person who needs no sleep.” (Let’s pretend.)

So what are some reasons why people stall, postpone or as the Scots put it, “let a-be?” Sometimes people are faced with an overwhelming task. Often it is also an unpleasant task such as drinking slop to prepare for a colonoscopy or a forthcoming family reunion---which can sometimes bring on the same reaction.

Being a perfectionist and fearing failure can also encourage people to “put it off,” “let it slide,” or simply “ignore it.” Unfortunately, most of the time,” It,” won’t just go away. Waiting for Providence is a very long wait, and the grass growing under one’s feet can soon become a meadow.

I don’t understand procrastinators, because I am the opposite. When assigned a task, I do it immediately, and am notoriously known for sending birthday cards a week before the person was even born. I arrive on time for appointments, and sometimes early for a really good party. Interestingly, although there are many descriptions and definitions for procrastination, it seems as if the linguists could not agree on an antonym for people like me. When I told a friend about this strange phenomenon, she said, “They probably never got around to it.”

The best definitions I could find in English Language Usage are “antecrastination (Latin inverse) or “proactive.” I guess I’ll have to settle for “Do it now.”

For me, Annie (who had a musical named after her) would sing:

 “Just thinkin’ about Tomorrow clears away the cobwebs---”

 But she was a fickle little girl, because the rest of her song is meant for all of you procrastinators out there:

“Tomorrow, Tomorrow.

I love ya Tomorrow!

You’re always A day A way!”

Esther Blumenfeld (Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday—Don Marquis)

The Earth Is Flat. Don't Fall Off!

I am going out on a limb. I promise my readers that the world will not end on December 21, 2012. So, are you going to believe the scientists at NASA and me, or those fools in Hollywood who plan to frighten you to death with the movie, 2012? If they really believed this claptrap, they’d let all of us see the movie for free, because what would they spend all that money on if they were dead?

There are six documented reasons why we should not let an attack of irrationality seduce us into panic or a binge of guacamole dip. These doomsayers attribute their theory to the ancient Mayan civilization, but those folks are no longer around to either explain themselves, or why they put some people into such a snit.

Myth #1

Maya predicted the end of the world in 2012. 

“Not so,” says Anthony Aveni, a Maya expert and archaeoastronomer at Colgate University. “It’s the time when the largest grand cycle of their calendar overturns, and a new cycle begins. The world is renewed, just like our New Year’s Day.” I assume without the hangover.

Myth #2

Breakaway continents will destroy civilization.

 Princeton University geologist, Adam Maloof studies pole shifts, which is not at all like pole dancing. He says, “Magnetic evidence in rocks confirms that continents have undergone rearrangement, but the process took millions of years—so slowly that humanity would not have felt the motion.” Consequently, even if you lie in the middle of the road, you won’t feel any motion, unless you are run over by a truck.

Myth #3

Galactic alignment spells doom.

Some people are afraid that the path of the sun will cross the midpoint of our galaxy, “the Milky Way” (the one in the sky not the candy bar) and that this line-up will expose the earth to powerful galactic forces. Other people, who have imbibed too much Kickapoo Joy Juice, see this event in a positive light, predicting “a dawn of better human consciousness.” I guess this is when you smoke your weeds rather than pull them. David Morrison, a senior scientist with NASA Astrobiology Institute says, “Horoscope writers, (and may I add chiropractors) may be excited by alignments, but in reality alignments mean nothing. They create no changes in gravitational pull, solar radiation, planetary orbits or anything else that would impact life on earth.”  And, University of Texas Maya expert, David Stuart writes, “No ancient Maya text or artwork makes reference to anything of the kind.”

Myth #4

Planet X is on a collision course with earth.

The origin of this theory predates the 2012 phenomena. Popularized in part by a woman who claims to receive messages from extraterrestrials, the Nibiru doomsday was originally predicted for 2003. Oops, missed it by that much!

Myth #5

Solar storms to savage the earth.

Okay, so now the sun is our enemy and will produce lethal eruptions. There is no scientific evidence that the sun is planning a barbeque.

Myth #6

Maya had clear predictions for 2012.

Aveni, the archaeoastronomer (who picked a profession that is hard to spell) compares the cycles in the Mayan calendar to our own New Year period, when “the closing of an era is accompanied by feverish activities” (like our parties, overeating, drinking and kissing strangers) “and is followed by a rebirth and resolutions to begin a better life.” I assume if those Mayans remembered what they did the night before. “In fact,” Aveni says,“the Maya weren’t much for predictions.”

So, you can show me your appreciation for this good news on December 22, 2012, but if I was wrong---forget about thanking me.

Esther Blumenfeld (Don’t drink the Kool-Aid)