WINGING IT--OR NOT

“Sorry, (Hamlet) said, rubbing his temples. I don’t know what came over me. All of a sudden I had this overwhelming desire to talk for a very long time without actually doing anything.” (Jasper Fforde).

Some people just zigzag from indecision to indecision, and frankly, it drives me nuts! They constantly second guess themselves out of the responsibility of making a decision. I have a friend who can’t order a meal at a restaurant without changing her mind, and she can’t decide, when shopping for an outfit, if there isn’t a better one somewhere else. It is her modus operandi. She does not recognize that indecision might or might not be her problem. Constant indecision—second guessing oneself—can’t be good for a person’s innards!

The best example of indecision was in the award winning film, MARTY, adapted from Paddy Chayefsky’s play. The story was about a simple butcher from the Bronx (Ernest Borgnine) who didn’t know where he was in life or what to do to change it.  He hung out with like-minded fellows, and they met on the weekends to kill time. The famous dialogue went like this:
“What do you feel like doing tonight?” “I don’t know. What do you feel like doing?”

I am not an indecisive person. A few years ago, my friend, Judy called.She said, “I was listening to the radio. They had a contest. I called in and won two tickets to the Neil Diamond show in Phoenix. The radio show’s bus will be leaving in an hour. My husband is on jury duty. Can you be ready for me to pick you up in 20 minutes?” “You betcha!” said I.

I threw on some clothes, grabbed a flashlight to wave for “Coming to America,” and saw a spectacular show from the best seats in the house. It’s good to be able to deal with the unexpected—to be spontaneous.

There is a difference between being indecisive when you have all of the facts, and being too spontaneous before you have any of them.  That is being impulsive; “the sudden inclination to act without any thought behind it.” I know the difference. However, why not seize an opportunity when it is offered? Sometimes, the best memories come from spontaneity. However, being spontaneous involves risk.

Unfortunately, too often, our lives have become too predictable and programmed.  Jeremy Glass put it this way when he said, “We can’t jump off bridges anymore, because our iPhones will get ruined. We can’t take skinny dips in the ocean, because there’s no service on the beach, and adventures aren’t real unless they’re on Instagram. Technology has doomed the spontaneity of adventure, and we are helping destroy it every time we Google, check-in and hashtag.”

I’m glad I’m not indecisive. Sometimes, out of the blue, I will say something funny and it goes whoosh, over peoples’ heads. Then they will say, “What do you feel like doing tonight?’ and I will respond, “I just did it.”

Esther Blumenfeld    (“Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of outburst that just comes.  It’s unbridled, it’s unplanned, it’s full of surprises.”) Erma Bombeck

WANT MORE JAZZ? IMPROVISE!

Isaac Asimov said, “To succeed, planning alone is insufficient. One must improvise as well.”

My,  mother-in-law, Fannie was an excellent cook. She said, “If you don’t have an ingredient—-improvise. ” She was a very smart lady, even though she never met Isaac Asimov.  However, I remembered her advise, when I read the instructions for a homemade, therapeutic hot pad; “Put rice in a big sock, tie off the end and put it in the microwave.”

Since I didn’t have regular rice in the house, I put Rice-a-Roni in the sock. Now, when my neck hurts, it really smells delicious.

My life has always been a bit improvised, and I have often zigged when I should have zagged, but I have no regrets. Lately, I have discovered that when you get old you improvise a lot. For instance being unable to lift a suitcase to the upper compartment on an airplane involves some improvisation. I play the role of an old lady, and block the aisle until some nice young fellow, playing the role of a boy scout, hoists the suitcase up for me. It works every time! Then I say, “Your MaMa raised you right!” Bingo!

Improvisation is one of the core techniques used by actors.  It triggers spontaneity and sparks the imagination. One of the classic movie moments was when Jack Nicholson, in THE SHINING, improvised—-“Heeeere’s Johnny.”

For a time, my son, Josh pursued a career in theatre. He was also a member of an improvisational comedy company that entertained in the U.S. and England. I am convinced that the skill of playing a character, without a script, and seeing how that character reacts in different situations has helped him think more creatively.  Additionally, his wife, Barbara said, “I can’t stay mad at him, because he always makes me laugh.”

Paul Simon said, “Improvisation is too good to leave to chance.”  I guess he got that from George Burns who said, “If you’re going to ad lib, practice it first.” I would define improvisation as heightened communication with no moral implications such as telling a lie.

A lie is a statement used intentionally for the purpose of deception, and carries a negative connotation. Big lies trick people into believing false or misleading information.  Big lie or little lie, the truth always comes out. In other words, “When the tide goes out, you’ll see who’s swimming naked.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“A lie gives you the highest quality at the lowest price.”) anon

WHY? WHY NOT?

“Hurry, Child, ask your questions. Tomorrow, there may be no answers.”
“Hurry, Child find your answers. Tomorrow, there may be no questions.” (THE CAT WHO SMELLED A RAT, Lillian Jackson Braun)

When I was a little girl, “Why?” was my favorite word, and I assume, that for a very short period of time, it was considered charming by my parents. Dad always had patience and provided long, convoluted answers.  Mom’s solution was, “Because I said so!”

When I got older, and went to school, my teacher’s favorite answer to, “Why?” was, “Look it up.” I think it was because she didn’t know the answers herself, because she would often say, “What did you find out?” As I matured, I drove my algebra teacher crazy with my, “Why?” And, he finally said, “You don’t have to know, “Why,” you just have to solve the problem.

Every good attorney knows that you don’t ask a question when you don’t already know the answer, such as—-“Are you still  embezzling money from your firm?” That’s a tough one to answer other than, “Why are you asking?”

The most frustrating ping-pong answer to,“Why?” is “Why Not?” “Why did you do that?” “Why Not?”

The comic, Steven Wright knows how to ask questions such as—-“What’s another word for thesaurus?” Or, “If you didn’t know who I was, would you know if I’m a stranger?”

I once drove my piano teacher into the bathroom when I asked, “Was Beethoven’s music so loud because he was deaf? Or, was he deaf, because his music was so loud?” I thought about that question a lot, because I hadn’t practiced. She didn’t have much of a sense of humor, but she sure could throw up. Maybe it was a pregnant pause, or maybe she was pregnant. I never did ask my parents, “Why isn’t she giving lessons anymore?”

Of course, when a child asks, “Where do babies come from?” “Ask your Father” is always a good answer.

In life, it is vital to find honest answers to your questions. That will hold you in good stead when you need to take a position on an important issue. “Why?”Because being wishy-washy just doesn’t cut it, because, these days, if you don’t stand for something, you just might fall for anything.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Okay, So what’s the speed of dark?”) Steven Wright

WHATS UP? WHATS DOWN?

 These days, it’s hard to know what to believe. My son, Josh claims that he is a science writer for NASA. To enter into the building where he works, I would need security clearance. So, I can never see his office. My daughter-in-law, Barbara is an attorney. She cannot talk about her clients, and, for that reason, I never ask her questions about her work.

I can’t visit my son’s place of business, and I can’t ask questions about my daughter-in-law’s clients. They both claim that they have jobs. So, I have to take them at their word. I guess if I asked too many questions they’d have to kill me.

I have a friend whose son is a trial lawyer.  I asked her, “Have you ever gone to court to watch him in action?” “No,” she replied. “Why would I want to do that?” Then, when I asked her, “Are you sure that he’s a lawyer?” she looked at me as if I am nuts.

I say, “Give me the evidence!”

When I was a journalist, I used to call people on the phone to get statements from them. I also interviewed people in person. Some of these people were celebrities, titans in business or politicians. No one ever asked for my credentials.  I had them, but no one ever asked. In those days, people used to trust each other to tell the truth. Naturally,  sometimes, given human nature, that was a mistake, but most of the time people were pretty forthright.

Recently, we were told by our President, “Don’t believe anything you hear or anything you see.”
That is easy if you are Helen Keller. To add to the confusion, Trump will twitter something in the early morning, and then contradict himself that very evening. So, I don’t know if I’m supposed to be a morning person or an evening person.

Everybody claims that the other person is lying, and semantics are really taking a beating. For instance: Did the President “ban” a reporter from a press conference, or did he just not let her into the room? Obviously, she wasn’t in, so that means she was out. He could claim that he wasn’t “banning” her, but that he was only “barring” her from entering.  On the other hand, everyone knows that Trump never goes into a bar, so it “Never happened!” even if there were lots of witnesses.

Mark Zuckerberg, the Father of Facebook, promised to remove lies and liars, who cause harm with “fake information,”on Facebook. However, he will allow Holocaust deniers, because he figures, they don’t cause harm, because they are just ignorant about historical facts, and that they don’t know they are hurting anyone. So, letting Jew haters come out the the woodwork to incite anti-semitism with lies is okay, because they are just plain stupid. Pleading ignorance of the law won’t prevent a person from getting a traffic ticket, but fomenting lies about Jews is acceptable. Mark also claims that he is Jewish, so I guess that’s supposed to make it okay. I hope his Mommy is proud of him and that her stock keeps dropping down the rabbit hole.

We do live in crazy times. Taking babies from their Mother’s arms is okay, until it’s not and then, “Oops,” we’ve lost some of the babies. Playing footsie with dictators is lots of fun, until foot fungus becomes too much of an irritant, and playtime has to be cancelled. Truth seeking journalists are branded as “enemies of the people,” and sham universities are awarded more funds to hoodwink unsuspecting students.  

Unbelievable! Up is Down,—-and Down is Up—- and the whole world is topsy curvy.

Consequently, I think, that as a tribute to the Constitution of the United States,  our National Anthem should now become the Louis Jordan song from 1943—-
“Is you is, or Is you Ain’t, my Baby? The way you acting lately makes me doubt—“

Doubting and questioning are good! That is—unless they’re not!

Esther Blumenfeld (Tom and Jerry have my vote)

NOT ALWAYS SO SMALL

My friend, Paula, and her husband, a prominent physician and renowned Professor of Medicine, were invited to a neighbor’s home to see their new Dachshund puppies. One of the puppies was not thriving,  and their neighbor said, “She isn’t eating, and I am afraid we are going to lose her.” Whereupon, the Professor of Internal Medicine said, “Maybe, she’s allergic to her mother’s milk.”  Sure enough, his diagnosis was correct! Word about the miracle cure must have spread, because a stranger approached Paula and said, “You must be so proud to be married to a veterinarian.”

There have been studies comparing “small talk” to “meaningful conversations,” and in the past, psychologists thought that substantive conversations led to happier people, while small talk was linked to unhappiness. Tell that to the puppy, and we both say, (She barks) “Balderdash!”

Recently, researchers have found that, “small talk is not negatively related to well being.” See, I told you so! I happen to like small talk. Any comedian will tell you that one-liners are the ultimate small talk.

While getting my car serviced, I was sitting in the waiting room, and felt a drop of water on my head. I looked up and caught another drop from the ceiling air-conditioner. I reported the leak to a service person, and said,”Do you charge extra for the shower?” He replied, “No, but the towel will cost you.” That is a small talk come-back.

After a young woman on the Comcast help line straightened out my television reception problem, she said, “Is there anything else, I can help you with?” I replied, “No, but now you don’t have to be nice for the rest of the day.” That line works every time!

A friend of mine has a brother who drives a taxi cab in New York City. I think his major in college was mid-Tibetan history, and he is waiting for an opening in his field. Anyway, my friend is a writer, and his brother, the taxi cab driver, picked up a fare at a publishing house in the City. As the man got into his cab, he asked him,”Are you an editor?” “Yes,” said the man. The driver then said, “Here’s my brother’s manuscript. You are going to love it!” And, he gave it to the man as he exited the cab.

A week later, the editor had lunch with an editor from another publishing house and said, “We don’t publish funny novels, but I think it would fit your list.” My friend, the writer, got a call that his book was going to be published, and it was later made into the movie, “Doc Hollywood.”
Who needs a dissertation when small talk can accomplish that?”

My first book, OH, LORD, I SOUND JUST LIKE MAMA also got published because of the smallest talk ever. The book had been rejected by Peachtree Publishers, because they already had their featured humor writer, Lewis Grizzard. Several months later, my co-author Lynne and I were guest lecturers at a writer’s conference at Jekyll Island, GA. In the lunchroom, I spied, the editor, Chuck Perry from Peachtree Publishers, and I said to Lynne, “I’m going to go say, “Hello” to the guy who rejected us. I approached him and said, “Hi, Chuck,” and he said, “Lewis Grizzard just signed with Random House, Do you still have, OH, LORD, I SOUND JUST LIKE MAMA?” “Yes, I do,” said, I.” “ Send it to me. We can publish it now,”was his reply.

So, “Hello,Chuck” and “Yes, I do” sold 250,000 books.  That is small talk at its smallest—- and its very best!

Small talk can also be an excellent coping mechanism. Years ago, my friend, Jeanne and I went to a restaurant that featured singers. The man singing into the microphone wore an open shirt, and his gold chains kept getting entangled in his chest hair. I ignored the singer as best I could, but suddenly he came to our table, leaned close to me and said, “Baby, Do you have a request?” I responded, “Yes, I do!”  “Go Away!” That is the essence of small talk.

Small talk can also be dangerous: My parents hosted a fancy dinner party. Mother found a lonely sardine in the refrigerator, and popped it into the centerpiece on the table. Yes, that was either weird or avant garde. Never did figure that out, but back to the story.  My grandmother, suddenly reached into the centerpiece, and before anyone could stop her, she popped the sardine into her mouth—whereupon, she promptly spit it out and yelled—“Stop eating! The dinner is poisoned.”

Small talk. I love it!

Esther Blumenfeld