CREDIBLE INCREDIBLE

If you order a Service Dog Vest on-line, that does not make your dog a Service Dog---nor does it make you a disabled person---unless fibbing is considered a disability that requires a pet.

Many things can be ordered on-line, but one of my favorites is certification as a “Life Coach.”  Life Coaching has become very popular, and the Harvard Business Review reports that it has become a $1 billion a year industry, and some Life Coaches make as much as $3000 an hour.  These people are not psychologists, psychiatrists, State Certified counselors or even priests, rabbis or ministers.  They are just regular folks you hire to tell you how to live your life better.

But, what if you get a Life Coach that has more problems than you do?

So, how does one become a “Certified Life Coach”? Easy! For example, one On-line course involves a 4-day home study class for $795 with an “easy payment plan.”  Of course, you have to stay home for 4 days to take it. This group claims to have over 6000 graduates worldwide. Obviously, that is an accreditation scam.

Everyone who has attended a college knows the term “accreditation,” which is the gold standard to assess different professional disciplines, but some, so called, coach training schools accredit themselves.

Presently, there are three Coach Industry associations; the WABC (Worldwide Association of Business Coaches), the IAC (International Association of Coaches) and the ICF (International Coach Federation). However, they have differences about coaching that prevent participants from transferring credit from one school to another.  And, there is a missing authority to accredit.  In other words, who accredits the supposed accreditors?

There is no reporting of learning outcome or success of graduates in the field---no statistical credibility. Being a fact driven person, testimonials just don’t do it for me.

Here’s what I surmise: No matter what the problem, when people want to make a life change, sometimes they need some support to do so. That’s why alcoholics go to AA that has a proven track record. Life Coaching is an unregulated activity which is often adopted by, perhaps well meaning, people, but many times unqualified people, who offer advice to others without any data to suggest the effectiveness of what they are doing---nor a Masters, PhD, or Medical degree to exhibit years of qualified training. And, there are many bad apples in the industry that are more than willing to peddle their services on the Internet and take peoples money.

If I have discouraged you from becoming a “Life Coach,” there are still many life- changing careers you can order on-line. You can become your own attorney, or get a certificate to perform weddings.  You can order a Russian bride and marry her by performing the ceremony yourself. And, you can order a casket made to order, but I think you might have to order some guys with shovels to finish the job.

One Life Coach found that “patients had damaged their inner-child.”  Unfortunately, she urges them to let that kid out!  I suggest that if that inner brat shows up at your house, you go on-line to get a Life Coach to put him back!

Esther Blumenfeld

THICK SKIN--THIN SKIN

I recently saw a one-year-old toddler bang his head on a table that he was trying to run under. He cried and held a piece of ice on his forehead. Then he tossed the ice away and quickly resumed scampering around the room. The child had begun to learn that sometimes life throws you for a loop, and it can hurt. But he chose to “suck it up” and got on with his whatever.

You can only skin a rabbit once, but people whose feelings are easily hurt can get skinned over and over again. I think that overly sensitive, thin-skinned supposed-to-be-adults can be humorless, vain and all too ready to stockpile resentments and bitterness for years, and sometimes waste energy trying to get even.

In all fairness, it takes a heap of living to develop a thick skin. After the Chinese government severely abused his Country and his people, someone asked the Dalai Lama, “Why aren’t you angry?” He replied, “If I got angry then I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, or eat, and my health would deteriorate. My anger couldn’t change the past or improve the future, so what use would it be?”

A thick-skinned person can let go of anger, evaluate a situation and choose how to act in response. That is what Martin Luther King did. There’s a Texas saying, “A worm is the only animal that can’t fall down.” Why Texans think that worms are animals is another story.

As a professional writer and also having experienced the vicissitudes of life, I count my battle scars and rate myself among the thick-skinned, although that does not mean that I have lost my ability to feel for the needs other people. If my feelings had gotten hurt every time I faced rejection of my work, I would have quit a long time ago.

It’s a given that in the realm of humor, someone will take offense. If I wrote a funny article about turtles, I can promise you that some turtle lover would get his knickers in a twist. To illustrate my point: The best seller, OH, LORD, I SOUND JUST LIKE MAMA received many awards and accolades, but one day, when the mail arrived, I found a copy of the book in my mailbox. The accompanying note read, “I won’t read your book, because the title takes The Lord’s name in vain.” No one who purchased the other 250,000 copies of the book complained, but Boy! Did she get even with me!

So, to summarize: 

Thin-skinned people need to remember that life is a balancing act. Unless you are a hermit, you have to deal with other people who can sometimes be rude and downright hurtful. Sometimes, when it’s important, you have to push back. Other times, it’s okay to just---let it go---along with the resentments.  Pick your battles carefully because life is really short.

On the other hand: If you develop a skin so thick that it becomes an iron shield, you can then become oblivious to the real concerns of other people, and the price to pay is not feeling anything. No one wants a doctor who views his patient as a body part rather than a whole person who is in emotional and/or physical pain.

A doctor once advised me to have surgery. He said, “ I did the same operation on my mother-in-law.” I responded, “Dr. I have only one question. Do you like your mother-in-law?” A little push back can go a long way.

Esther Blumenfeld

MONKEY BUSINESS

When I was a pre-teen, my parents and I went on vacation to New York City.  One afternoon, when I was on my own, I noticed a store that had a “Going Out Of Business” sign in the window. Being curious, I gravitated to the store. The salespeople paid me no mind, but a few minutes later, a young man wandered in. One of the salesmen growled, “ You need help?”  “No, thanks,” said the man. “I’m just browsing.”  “Then get outta here,” yelled the salesman. Not wanting to be eaten alive, the young man and I dashed out of the store.

I don’t cotton to the notion that all New Yorkers are rude---anymore than I believe that all Southerners are charming. However, when conducting business, a little charm can go a long way.

When I lived in Georgia, I took my Mother to a restaurant. As we were leaving, the waitress said, “Y’all come back now.” So, my Mother turned around and went back. When she returned she said, “That woman wanted me to come back, but when I did, she didn’t want me to come back now even though that’s what she said. I was confused, so I gave her another tip.”

Also, no matter in what part of the Country you live, being rude to a secretary, the person between you and the boss, is really dumb. Telling an off-color joke can delay your appointment for at least a year.

In my career, I worked for many editors, some better than others. I have a friend who is now a very successful author. At one point she and I worked for the same magazine. She was assigned a story, and conducted 40 interviews for background accuracy. When she submitted the article, the editor rejected it saying, “This is not what I want, but I don’t know what I want.” Happily, she did not slit her wrists or shoot him.  A good boss can inspire loyalty.  A bad boss needs to beware of what his employee might put into his coffee.

In my hometown, there was a manufacturer who had an excellent reputation. During the Great Depression, the owner sent goods to stores around the Country, trusting them to pay when they could. He saved many stores from going out of business, and his customers were forever loyal. At the same time, in Atlanta, a department store owner gave chits to teachers, so they could get supplies for their students. Stories about that owner were legendary, and his customer base was constant.

Recently, a friend of mine needed a loaf of Holiday Bread. She got to the bakery and discovered that she had left her wallet at home.  The baker gave her the bread anyway and said it was a gift. She went back the next day to repay him the money, but how can anyone repay that kindness?  How a person conducts business is really a microcosm of how he or she conducts one’s life.

I’ve never seen a tombstone that says, “He made a billion bucks!” No one cares, because in the end, it’s the business of being a good person that really is the best epitaph.

Of course if you go to the cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona you might read, “He was a no good son-of-a bitch who stole my horse, but I forgave him after they hung him.”  Even in the good old days, Monkey Business had its price.

Esther Blumenfeld

 

A WAY WITH WORDS

For all of my professional life, I tried to help people who are serious about developing their writing skills. That’s why I taught writing courses at Emory University, and was invited to teach at writer’s workshops and conferences around the Country.  However, that is very different from being taken advantage of by those on an ego trip.

When people go to a doctor, they wouldn’t dare say, “Doc, please rip out my tonsils for free.” Hey, attorneys even charge for a phone call when dispensing knowledgeable advice over the line. These folks are recognized professionals, and people expect to pay them for their expertise. But, somehow, writers don’t get the same respect.

The difference between a professional writer and a wanna-be writer is money.  Professionals work with contracts and get paid for their work. If it’s a published book or a produced play, there are advance payments and royalties paid to the writer by the publisher or producer---whereas---wanna-bees pay someone else to create their product.

“I think I can write like James Patterson” might not ring true, since he is so successful and rich because he knows how to develop a plot, introduce interesting characters and write so skillfully that he can keep readers absorbed in his books.  Patterson’s 300 million books have been edited, promoted and sold by reputable publishers, and no one has to pay reviewers to read them.

Recently, I have been inundated with requests to work for free.  One young woman e-mailed me and asked me to write a 15-minute speech for her. She’s a nice but clueless person, and it probably would have aged her considerably, had I had billed her the fee that I was paid the last time I did a ghostwritten speech.

That same day, I received two unsolicited self-published novels from relative strangers.  Unfortunately, they wanted my favorable opinion. What can I say about a 500-page wanna-be novel that has 7 plots in the first chapter? I gave it to a speed-reading friend, who finished the book and said, “What the Hell was that all about?” I guess something bad happened to the hero of the book in the first chapter, but the author forgot to tell us the why, when, where and how of that event in the other six plots. He also forgot to explain why the hero was so upset in the first place.

The second self-published work was from a nice, but misguided, man who thought he could write a romance novel. The sex scenes were obviously wishful thinking and hilarious. Laughter isn’t all that appreciated by the author when the writing isn’t supposed to be funny. It was a bit distracting that the author confused a “boudoir” and a “bouffant.” At first I thought it was a typographical error that, “She was afraid that someone would find him in her bouffant.” But after that, there were all kinds of hairy activities taking place in that “bouffant”.  Both books require gasoline and a match! 

If your family tells you they like your book, they may be lying. Remember, they have nothing to lose. However, if you send your book to me, and I say to you, “Wow!  That is really something!”---It probably is!

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “You can stroke people with words.” I don’t think he meant that your words should give someone a stroke.”

Esther Blumenfeld

ALL THAT'S FIT TO PRINT

It’s a tradition in my home to start the day with a cup of java and a newspaper. When visiting with my family in Washington, DC, the Washington Post was a real treat, but in Tucson, Arizona I have to settle for the Arizona Daily Star---not a bad paper---but certainly not the Post. I know I can get the news on my computer screen or tablet, but somehow it’s just not the same for me as print on paper.

So, here’s how I read my morning paper: I start by scanning the Sports Page. I’m not a sports fan, but knowing which team won and which team lost makes me look like less of a wuss to my friends. The weather is on the back of the Sports Section so that’s an easy page flip.

After I discard the Sports Page, I separate the funny papers and the television page from the rest of the paper. Sometimes the “Funnies” are really funny. The other day, there was a cartoon of a woman looking up into the sky, with a box on her head, and a drone delivered pizza running down her face. I understood that one. But, it is truly aggravating when I don’t comprehend the technical terms coming out of a bubble over a cartoon character’s head.

The Classified Pages are usually sparse reading---found pets, lost pets, apartments for rent and “new antiques” for sale, etc. Sometimes Public Notices are interesting. In so many words they warn, “Creditors beware, this guy is a deadbeat,” or “This person is going through a name change.”  I once knew a guy who changed his name from Teddy to Gary. I guess he wanted to be named after a city.

The Local News lets me know who shot his neighbor, which roads have the worst potholes, and which company is being fined for getting caught doing something they didn’t think they’d get caught for doing.

On the Editorial Page, I especially enjoy reading “Letters to the Editor.”  Living in Arizona, it is always comforting to know that when an angry person has a pen in his hand he won’t be able to hold a gun. 

Also, I learn something new everyday when reading the “Advice Column.” Yesterday, it featured a letter asking, “Do chess and sex mix?” It is illuminating to learn that Strip Poker is no longer in style.

At this point, I usually get a second cup of coffee and browse the ad section before I begin reading about, “The Nation” and “The World”.

There are companies that offer “easy financing, free delivery and a guy who’s going to break your fingers if you don’t pay up.” (I made up that last part.)

I enjoy reading about an “authentic family owned service” That’s so much better than an unauthentic family service. The Dollar Store sells a can of coffee for $6.00. That is confusing.  I thought they sold everything for a single Yen.  And, I discovered that the cheapest item featured in the grocery store ads is a flu shot.

Finally, I turn to the front page to read about all the bad things that are in the forefront of today’s news. It’s always upsetting to read from day to day that humanity is not as advanced as technology.  Then I noticed a headline that informed me that,  “Exercising when angry may trigger a heart attack.”

So, I read the obituary page to cheer myself up. Most people who live in the desert are well preserved and live to a ripe old age, and it’s always good news that my name is not on that page, because then I’d have to cancel my morning paper.

Esther Blumenfeld