LOOK MA! NO HANDS!

In Tucson, the speed limit on Glen Street is 25m.p.h., and since there’s not much traffic on Glen, it’s tempting to drive faster than the posted limit. That’s when people find out that “the best automobile safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.” (Dudley Moore). Consequently, Glen is the only place where I ever use my cruise control, and for a couple of miles, my vehicle turns into a driverless car.

Self-driving, robotic cars are on the horizon, and experimental driverless technology is now being tested on public roads in Nevada, Washington, California, Florida, Texas and Arizona. A team of fifteen engineers working for Google developed self-driving cars. Sebastian Thrun former director of the Stanford Artificial Intelligence Laboratory led the team, and in 2005, the robotic vehicle won a $2million prize from the U.S. Department of Defense.

In 2014, Google presented a fully functioning prototype of a robotic car with no steering wheel or pedals. Their plan is to make these cars available to the public in 2020. Right now, we fly in computerized airplanes and sail in computer driven ships. Why not fully computerized, robotic cars?

For me, none of this is as terrifying as teaching a teenager to drive. When my son was 15, he was required to take Driver’s Ed in school. However, those cars all had automatic shifts, whereas, our new car was fashioned with a stick shift. So, for several days, I took my son to a church parking lot, and taught him to drive while manually shifting gears. He was in control.  I was not! After the third lesson, he said, “Mom, I think it’s time for you to let me drive in second gear.”

Since my husband had never manually sifted gears either, I had to teach him about the duties of a floor clutch---Foot on clutch to shift.  Shift will scream without a clutch----and, sometimes, the car will die in traffic when you fail to follow directions. That’s when I found out that a person really never learns to swear until he learns to drive.

As a kid, I learned to drive on the icy roads in South Dakota, the last State in the Union to require drivers’ licenses. It wasn’t unusual in those days to see 12-year-old children driving down a county road. Of course, with those little people driving, automobiles looked like driverless cars.

So far, driverless cars drive sober, so they have excellent safety records except when hit by nitwits. As long as humans are at the wheel, they cause 81% of all car crashes.

One issue still in limbo is the legal ramification of driverless cars.  Who do you sue? Even with a horse and buggy, the guy holding the whip was the driver. But then, there wasn’t any legal protection for the Wright Brothers when they took off on their first flight either.

 If you still are reluctant to own a driverless car, perhaps you might like a Cannabis Car made from hemp. A distant cousin to marijuana, this material is akin to a fiber-glass-like plastic. A photo of the beautiful, red car looked smokin’ hot to me! In 1941, Henry Ford unveiled the Soybean Car, but WWII derailed that car which was also constructed with hemp.

The day of driverless cars is coming.  If only, the inventors could make them fly. I can see it now---a driverless, hemp, drone automobile.

Esther Blumenfeld (“The shortest distance between two points is under construction”) Noelie Altito

MUSIC AND SOOTHING SAVAGE BEASTS

I was born into a very musical family. My father wooed my mother by playing the violin beneath her window. He played well enough that she married him, and happily they didn’t end up like Romeo and Juliet.

My mother had a beautiful singing voice (better than the one she used when she chased me around the dining room table, with her slipper, shouting, “Act like a lady!”)  And, her father (my grandfather) was a concert-trained pianist, whose father had told him that he would disown him if he sought a musical career.

My little brother didn’t inherit much of the musical gene, but he enjoyed sliding down the banister, and jumping on the piano keys on his way to the floor. However, in middle school, he did play the bag bass drum in the marching band, which was bigger than he was.  The school couldn’t afford summer uniforms, so he marched in the summer parade in his winter uniform. All we could see was a big loud drum coming down the street behind two flatulent horses.

Unfortunately, a talent for music was not to be one of my gifts. My parents paid dearly for my piano lessons, but I wore out three teachers before they admitted that their daughter was a total failure as a pianist. I had a problem coordinating the keys with the foot pedals. It didn’t help much when after a ten-minute practice, my musical mother would yell from the kitchen, “That’s enough!  Go out and play.”

So, to help me develop an appreciation for classical music, my parents took me to symphonic concerts when I was a very little girl. I liked the “pretty music” but usually fell asleep before the concert was over. As a child, I felt like Woody Allen who said, “I just can’t listen to anymore Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

When I was a pre-teen, I heard that there was going to be a local scheduled singing contest for children on the radio. I wanted to enter singing a simple popular song, “In My Little Alice Blue Gown.” Instead, my stern grandfather insisted that I sing “Habanera”, the most popular aria from Bizet’s opera, CARMEN.

No practice had been scheduled at the radio station. When I handed the pianist music from the aria, he just looked at me and dropped ashes from his cigarette onto the piano keys. When it was my turn, the piano player and I started the musical experience together, and we mercifully ended the song together---but we hadn’t done too well in-between. When I got home, it was the first time I ever saw my strict grandfather smile---or maybe it was a grimace. To this day, I will never know.

I have always enjoyed music---all kinds of music. I enjoy Beethoven, Bach and Mozart, and I love jazz even though Frank Zappa said, “Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.” I like country music, because I can make up some funny lyrics along the way, and I love going to the simulcasts of the Metropolitan operas, even though my tuchas (look it up) still can’t manage 8 hours of Wagner.

I occasionally sing songs in Hebrew to herds of deer in the mountains. I’m not sure they feel soothed, but they do pause, raise their heads, and give me soulful looks that seem to say, “You can keep it up, Lady, just don’t eat our food.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“For those of you in the cheap seats, I’d like ya to clap your hands to this one; the rest of you can just rattle your jewelry.”) John Lennon

RING-A-DING

“The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875. In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.” (Bill Dewitt)

I have always had a love/hate relationship with my telephone, but it does have its advantages.  Fran Lebowitz said, “The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.” Happily, Caller I.D. makes it much easier to ignore unfamiliar phone numbers, and I figure if it’s important, the caller will leave a message.

This is generally true, but sometimes the message on my answering machine is not for me, because someone has dialed a wrong number. When that happens, I often feel obligated to call the person and let him or her know that the nurse called the wrong patient, that I haven’t scheduled a plumber, or that someone’s date is probably at the restaurant waiting for her.

I don’t know if I’ve been helpful, but I do know that people who dial wrong numbers have always managed to find mine. Not wanting to be interrupted (no matter what he was doing) my husband religiously refused to answer a ringing telephone. He never bothered to balance a checkbook either, but that’s another story. So before the advent of cell phones and Caller I.D., it was part of my job description to answer the phone.  

When we lived in Atlanta, The Atlanta Constitution was the large daily paper. However, there also were several small weekly newspapers. One of these weekly publications had an advertising section for alternative life styles, and also included phone numbers for Gay bathhouses.

Somehow, instead of the appropriate phone number, our home number was printed in one of these ads. So, naturally, I informed the editor of their mistake and he promised to rectify it in the next edition. In the meantime, I received lots of calls from prospective customers. The minute the men heard my voice, they knew they had the wrong number and were always polite and apologetic---but pleased when I gave them the correct number.

The next week, the number was put right in the paper, and all was quiet on the home front, until I received a call from the bathhouse proprietor who thanked me profusely for all the referrals.

Some of you will be pleased and some heartily disillusioned to learn that I volunteer every Tuesday morning at Democratic Headquarters, but it is a fact of life, so live with it!  Since I sit at the front desk, one of my duties is to answer the phone.

Last week, I answered the phone and a man said, “I have a strange request.” I said, “I have worked here for a long time. Believe me I’m used to some strange requests.  How can I help you?” He said, “I’m a Republican, and I can’t find the phone number of Republican Headquarters. By any chance, do you have that number?”  “Sure,” I replied. “Hang on, I’ll get it for you.” And, I gave him the number.

Ten minutes later, the phone rang again. It was the same man. He said, “They are so rude!” I can’t believe how rude they were to me.” “And,” he added. “You were so nice.” I said, “I’m sorry you had such a bad experience, but I hope you learned that Democrats are really nice people.”

In a previous column I mentioned that a woman called and wanted to talk to my husband, “the urologist” because her doctor had given her our number.  I told her that my husband was not a urologist, but she insisted that he was.  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and said, “Lady, my husband can’t even fix a leaking faucet.” She hung up.

Another lady, dialed my number several times, and she finally believed me that    no one named Gladys lived at my house. However, she called one more time to tell me, “You are the nicest wrong number I have ever called.”

Happily, because of modern technology, obscene phone calls are a thing of the past---unless you count political pollsters. 

Esther Blumenfeld (“How come wrong numbers are never busy?”) anonymous

BE MINDFUL

On May 3, 2016, I turned 80, and I will never be that young again. When I said to a friend, “80 sounds pretty old.” She lovingly replied, “That’s because 80 is old.” “But,” she added, “Attitude is everything!”

Invariably, when I tell someone, “I’m 80.” She will say, “You don’t look 80.” And then I reply, “What does 80 look like?” So far, I haven’t received a satisfactory answer. Consequently, I tried an experiment. Yesterday, when chatting with a young fellow on the hiking trail, I told him that “Tomorrow is my birthday.”  He said, “How old will you be?” and I replied, “I will be 90 years old.” “Wow!” he said.  “You don’t look any older than 70.”  So, instead of earning 10 youthful years, I gained 20.  Good trick!

I had a friend, of blessed memory, who was a good driver into her early 90s. Her motto, before getting behind the wheel of her car, was, “Be mindful!” She was a former librarian. I used to say, “You know everything.” And she would reply, “No, I don’t know everything, but I know how to find almost everything. As long as I can still find most everything, I feel lucky.”

When I was a child, my Father would buy me little picture books, that, when I flipped the pages, would make the drawn characters look as if they were moving quickly. It was a trick of the eye.  Turning 80 is much like flipping those pages, and visualizing the good times and not so good times in my past years as they move quickly by---not a trick of the eye---but a trick of time.

So what have I learned? My life has had its ups and downs, but it has been quite rewarding thus far.  I have learned that life is not fair, and that no one leads a charmed life. Yes, I am blessed with good genes, but even good genes have a shelf life.

So, I plan to count my blessings, and try to learn at least one new thing each day.

Today, I saw a man hiking on my rugged mountain trail. He was dressed in a bathing suit, carrying a backpack, and trudging along the rocky (sometimes snake infested) trail barefoot. He probably had taken a wrong turn and thought he was in San Diego.  So, what did I learn from this encounter? I learned that: “A person can only be young once---but you can be a stupid jackass forever!”

Esther Blumenfeld (“If you survive long enough, you’re revered—rather like an old building.”) Katherine Hepburn

BACK IN TEN MINUTES

One hundred years ago, Albert Einstein had a theory about the relationship between space and time. As I understand it, he theorized that a cataclysmic event in space, affects time. In 2016, scientists have now discovered that his theory is correct, and according to Einstein, “Time is an illusion.”  I guess it’s all relative. If you want a better explanation, just go ask your neighborhood physicist.

My friend Fay had no problems understanding Einstein’s theory, because when she turned 86, she said, “I don’t like being on the dark side of 85.” So let’s take a look at how we treat time.

When I was invited to talk to a group of 15-year-old students, I gave a folded piece of paper to one of the boys in the front row, and asked him to hold it for me. On it, I had written “9:00am”. At 9:30am, I said, “I’d like to have that back, please.” He handed me the note. I looked at it, handed it back to him and said, “This is not what I want. I’d like to have it back, please.” Again, he tried to hand me the note, which I refused. By this time, the whole class knew what I had written on the note, and finally someone said, “She doesn’t want the note. She wants the time back.” I made my point.  9a.m was gone forever (as are the moments you took to begin to read this story).

It’s pretty obvious that there’s no time like the present, and when someone says, “I don’t have time for this,” he obviously means, “I don’t want to do it.” A small child cannot be expected to have any concept of time. When she’s hungry, it’s time to eat. When she’s sad, it’s time to cry, and when she’s tired it’s naptime. However, naughty means, “Time Out!” That is, of course, as imprecise as a mechanical phone voice that says, “Your call is important to us. Someone will be with you shortly.”

When my son was away at college, I ran into his nursery school teacher. She said, “I can finally tell you about Josh’s first day at nursery school.” She told me that Josh had pulled his little chair into the middle of the room and stared at the clock waiting for me to pick him up. And that was before he had learned to tell time. However, just like Einstein, he sensed that a cataclysmic event like nursery school had to have a relationship with time.

Benjamin Franklin said, “Lost time is never found again.” One day, while strolling down Michigan Avenue in Chicago, a brash young man shouted at my husband, “Hey, You got the time?” My husband looked at his watch, and shouted back, “Yes, I do!” and we continued our little stroll.

Time can be a noun or a verb. You can save time or enjoy it. However, if you wait for the right time, you just may miss it.  According to Jean-Paul Sartre, “Three o’clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.”

Often people will tell you that time will heal a broken leg or that time will heal a broken heart.  And, Andy Rooney found that, “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”

Often, time is something we want more of, but something we don’t use well. However, Steven Wright comforts with these words, “The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“Be back in 10 minutes.”  But I won’t tell you from when.)