Speak American

After driving around for an hour, a visitor to Boston finally admitted he was hopelessly lost. Seeing a gentleman standing at the side of the road, he stopped, rolled down the car window and said, “Excuse me, Sir. Can you please tell me where Commonwealth Avenue is at?” 

The man sniffed, and replied, “In Boston, we do not end our sentences with a preposition.” “Sorry,” replied the visitor. “Can you please tell me where Commonwealth Avenue is at---you jackass”! 

The English language is puzzlement, especially for those who were born here. Americans speak English as if we had inherited it from a King we didn’t like very much, and by gum, we are stuck with it, and we won’t learn another language come Hell or high water. Having to speak one language is bad enough! Europeans speak several languages, but that’s because when they cross the street they are in another country. 

The other day, I surfed through Fox News on my way to CNN and heard a talking head exclaim, “Me and Jane enjoyed the performance.” When did Tarzan become a news anchor? 

I’m not sure if the British do a better job with the language, but they make it sound so much better. A person from England might be the dimmest bulb in the chandelier, but that accent makes him sound intelligent. Forsooth, I keep waiting for Shakespearean sonnets when a Brit speaks. 

People from India are experts in English grammar and speak the language perfectly, but unfortunately their accents are almost as difficult to understand as people who come from Toccopola, Mississippi. I had my ears tested after conversations with these folks. 

Some Americans, who only talk “American,” want others to speak English exclusively. I, on the other hand, am in awe of someone who can switch flawlessly from one language to another. I tried to join their ranks by studying Spanish. Didn’t work out too well. Whenever I attempt to speak to Latinos, they fall to their knees, begin to weep, and beg me not to speak their language. 

Of course, I could always travel north and learn Canadian.  “Eh?” 

Esther Blumenfeld (etymologically challenged)