Tell It Like It Is

When a new book hits the market, publishers encourage their authors to schedule book signings because of the publicity they generate. An ego driven author soon discovers that a book signing is not always a pleasant experience. If he dedicates a book: “For Mary, with heartfelt appreciation,” and the recipient coldly remarks, “You spelled my name wrong. It is spelled Merry,” the author cannot cross off the name. He can only say something such as, “Sorry, Mother.” 

At one of my book signings, I asked the woman, who thrust my book into my face, “And, to whom would you like this book dedicated?” She looked askance and growled, “Just sign your name. It’s worth more that way when you are dead.” Some people tell it like it is! 

Yesterday, I called a friend, and her gentle voice on the answering machine cooed, “Leave a message, and I’ll get back to you. However, I’m making some changes in my life and you may be one of them.” She called me back. Whew! Some people tell it like it is! 

Honesty can be brutal. My Proctologist proclaimed, “You have a good looking colon,” and my Periodontist said, “You have a beautiful jaw bone.” I’m considering using those photos in my next holiday newsletter. The last time I read about an impressive jawbone was when Samson smote 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass. I guess those compliments covered both ends. Some people tell it like it is! 

Things are not always what they seem. Hummingbirds don’t hum. They click. Road Runners aren’t cute cartoon creatures. They are carnivorous birds. The first time I saw one; he was smashing a lizard to death on my sidewalk. Not pleasant facts but honest. 

However, some people don’t tell it like it is. They fudge the truth or they simply lie. There are harmless untruths that people accept. Forever stamps are only Forever until the Postal Service raises the price, and beauty parlor permanents are really only temporaries until your hair grows out. 

I like to think of myself as an honest person, but I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings. When I was afflicted with a child’s violin recital, I gritted my teeth, and told his mother, “I’m sure you are very proud of him.” 

Some liars are cruel or use a lie to serve their own purposes. A woman once called to tell me that a good friend had said something nasty about me. I replied, “That is hard to understand, I’m going to call and ask her why she said that.” Heavy breathing ensued on the other end of the phone line. I don’t like malicious liars, but I think that people who eagerly accept a lie, without questioning it---are worse. 

All of us are confronted with THE BIG LIE.  You only have to dial a business phone number---any business phone number. Be fortified with a good book, because soon you will hear these words: “Your call is important to us. Someone will be with you shortly.” It never fails. My name’s not Shortly! 

Esther Blumenfeld (Pinocchio move over)