The Ultimate "Do Not Call" List

Once a week, I volunteer my time manning the front desk at the office of a worthy organization. My duties include answering phones, handling paperwork and computer data entry. This computer work involves browsing newspaper obituary columns in order to remove names of the deceased, so they won’t receive any more solicitation requests. 

I call this my “Pearly Gates Do Not Call List”. It’s an extreme way to avoid annoying telephone calls, but it does work. Sometimes, when I have a few extra moments, I read some of these obituaries. Newspaper editors used to assign this column to fledgling reporters, but now, unless you are well known, most obituaries are written by family members, and the column is as good as either the writer or the former relationship.

Woody Allen is credited for saying, “Comedy is tragedy plus time,” but sometimes you don’t have to wait that long. When the founder of JUNIORS, a famous restaurant in New York died, the New York Times printed his cheesecake recipe as part of his obit---unusual, but a delicious way to be remembered.

As a cautionary note: Maybe trying to make sense of your life isn’t such a good idea, but be careful who illustrates it for you. Here, then, are some actual quotes from some of the obituary columns that I collected.  Out of respect, and not wanting to be pilloried, I changed the names of the deceased.

  “At 102, Mildred was preceded in death by her parents”.

   “Bert died because he refused to drink water while running a marathon race.”

   “Trixie enjoyed throwing surprise parties and whipping men around the dance floor.”

   “The joys of Bubba’s life were his Pontiac, country western dancing, and flirting.”

  “Al will now meet his Maker with a golf club in his hand.”

   “Our loving Grandmother will be missed by all of her grandchildren, who she called her ‘Little Boogers”’.

  " Rick was on garbage detail at Camp Lejeune, and met his wife after hitting her dog, Buster with his car. Buster is the surviving member of the family.”

 Clarence Darrow said, “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“Pore Jud Is Daid”)