"Lions,Tigers and Bears---Oh, My!"

My friend, Ruth is a docent at the zoo. She arranged for a knowledgeable guide to take her friends on a behind-the-scenes tour where we could get close and personal with a few of the featured wild beasts.

Before we began, Chelsea, an Education Coordinator, gave us instructions such as; “Line up with your backs against the wall when we enter the tiger’s space, and don’t stick your fingers into the cage.” “Finger licking good” became the operative phrase. She then, unlocked several padlocked gates, and told us that she would enter first. I guessed that if she didn’t return, our tour would be over. However, she came back and we followed her into the tiger’s space.

Taking one look at this huge kitty, I began to hug the wall. The tiger glanced at us, stood up, ambled around her cage and began to mark her territory with urine. One little growl from this huge cat was enough for me. She could have all the peeing space she needed.

Next, we entered an area that featured an old black bear, which suffered from glaucoma. Our guide told us that the bear receives eye drops when he sticks his snout out of the cage and into a honey pot. Chelsea also added that periodically a dentist cleans the bear’s teeth. Taking one look at his long, sharp claws, I said, “I assume the bear is sedated,” whereupon my friend, Jeannette whispered, “I assume they sedate the dentist.” Since all is fair in love and comedy, and wishing I had said that, I stole her line and got a big laugh. Jeannette called me, “Uncle Miltie” for the rest of the tour.

After our adventure with the bear, we were taken to the zoo kitchen where we were shown some frozen treats that Chelsea dug out of the freezer. First, she showed us a green Popsicle on a very long stick. It was made out of leaves---a treat for the giraffes. Next, she brought out a blood Popsicle in a round container with a frozen rat in the center. She told us that animal experts think up these treats---not only for the animals’ pleasure--- but to challenge their intellect.

The red Pops were lion cuisine, and we were told that the King of the Pride enjoys getting Popsicle blood all over his mane.  I’ve seen kids doing the same with chocolate ice cream, but if Mom found a rat in the dish, there’d be a lot of screaming and an attorney involved (who knows all about rats and going for blood.)

The final treat was the most ingenious. Some mad scientist had invented a coconut with a frozen rat sticking out one end and a mouse out of the other. When Chelsea held up the coconut, I could see that the critters had been scared stiff. Their noses were pointed North and South or maybe it was East and West. I’m not sure because she kept turning around.

Before our tour ended we were taken to visit an enormous hippopotamus, who was much more interested in her breakfast than whatever treat our guide had for her. We were told that because of her bad eyesight, she had run into a wall and some of her horn had broken off, but it was growing back.

Hippo horns are like our fingernails, but bigger, sharper and in really bad need of a manicure. When the hippopotamus finally came to the fence, several people petted her raising a dust storm. I suspected if our hippo had shaken off all of that mud and dust she probably would have been no bigger than a Chihuahua.

At the end of the tour, we were given carrots to feed to the giraffes. Those, who had listened to the instructions, knew not to feed a giraffe like you feed a horse (with the food in the palm of your hand), but rather to hold the carrots out to the giraffes with the tips of your fingers. Those who had been chatty babies didn’t hear the instructions and ended up with giraffe slime-drool in the palm of their hands. Sometimes a simple “Thank You,” would suffice.

Esther Blumenfeld (“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much”) Thornton Wilder.