You're In Charge. Now What?

Last month, I attended a homeowners association meeting where it took two hours to accomplish absolutely nothing. A woman on the Board of Directors wrestled the gavel away from the President, and proceeded to build a case to impose her opinion on others. Her filibuster was built on a cushion of air. The President suffered from rigor mortis as she went on and on. I got up and left as soon as she tried to impress us with psychobabble.

Losing control of a meeting is only one way to torture an audience. All of us have suffered public speakers that can’t organize a talk or tell time. Then there’s the program chairman whose introduction is longer than the speaker’s presentation. And, we all recognize the facilitator who can’t tell the difference between a question and a statement.

Because of our professional collaboration as authors, Lynne Alpern and I were often invited to introduce prominent speakers, facilitate professional meetings, or present keynote addresses to conventions around the country.

Other than using humor as an effective communication tool, one of the reasons we were successful speakers was that we followed the advice of an Episcopalian minister who said, “Every Episcopalian minister knows that no speech should be longer than 20 minutes, because after 20 minutes half of the audience is asleep, and the other half are having sexual fantasies.”

We kept our talks funny and short and always checked out the meeting room exits in case we’d have to make a fast get-away.

Humor is also an effective tool when moderating a meeting. One time, I began by saying, “When I was asked to chair this meeting, I prayed for three things. I prayed for the wisdom of Solomon. I prayed for the patience of Job. And, I prayed I wouldn’t end up like Jonah.”

Because I abhor meetings, I became adept at keeping them moving along---.” “We are going to start this meeting on time, because as my rabbi always says, ‘It’s never too late to repent, but you might as well start on time.”’

Early in our careers in Atlanta, Lynne and I were invited to introduce monthly speakers to a gathering called The Village Writers Group. Many of these speakers were prominent authors, and as our group became well known, we managed to poke fun at some pretty famous people. Here’s a sample from our introduction of Terry Kaye, whose books were adapted for movies and television. We also managed to plant a dig at Frances Patton Statham, a well-known author of historic novels.

Lynne: Good evening. I would like to welcome Terry Kay, whom you will be hearing from in just a few minutes.

Esther: Terry Kay is one of my favorite authors. I’ve read all of his books. After Eli, Dark Thirty, To Dance With The White Dog, but my favorite is, Obsessive Compulsive Love—A Tasteful Tale Of Sadomasochism.

Lynne: Terry Kay didn’t write that.

Esther: Sure he did.

Lynne: No, he didn’t

Esther: Go on. Then it must have been that other fellow, Frances Patton Statham.

Lynne: Frances Patton Statham is a distinguished, respected woman author.

Esther: Then why did she write, Obsessive Compulsive Love?

Lynne: She didn’t write that book either.

Esther: I am so excited. Terry Kaye is actually here. I even buy his Mama’s cosmetics.

Lynne: His mother sells cosmetics?

Esther: You know---Mary Kay.

Lynne: Mary Kay is not Terry Kaye’s mother.

Esther: Then why is she using his name to sell her cosmetics?

Lynne: You’ve never even met Terry Kaye.

Esther: I was introduced to him once in a crowd, and he was as nice as he could be. You know he prides himself on never forgetting a name. Why that man meets you once, and he remembers your name forever.

Lynne: He remembered your name?

Esther: Sure enough. I went to one of his book signings a year later and he recognized me right away. He said, “Hey, Darlin’.’”

Lynne: Your name is “Darling?”

Esther: Well, actually, it’s Esther, but if Mary Kay can call him “Son,” Terry Kaye can call me, “Darlin’.”

Lynne: Are you finished?

Esther: He’s a lot better looking on his book jacket.

Lynne: You’re finished!

And that’s the way it’s done.

Esther Blumenfeld (few are chosen)