Happy Birthday To----

I’ve never understood why some people don’t want to celebrate their birthdays. When I say, “Happy Birthday!” instead of saying, “Thank you,” they whine, “Don’t remind me.” So, my usual snappy comeback to this insipid response is: “Well, I for one, am glad that your parents had sex!” That horrifying thought usually brings them back to reality.

I enjoy celebrating my birthday, and thanks to my imaginative family and friends, the festivities often last the entire month of May. Getting older is inevitable, so my motto is, “Have fun while you can.” I get a kick out of those sappy cards sent to me from out-of-town friends, and of course, the touching sentiments from my son and daughter-in-law always make my heart sing.

My in-town friends feel the need to take me out for lunch and dinner. This activity usually includes their devious plan to order a slice of cake that arrives with several forks. Not wanting to burn down the restaurant, the cake arrives with only one candle. Jerry Seinfeld says, “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’” It’s bad form to spit on the cake when blowing out the candle. I usually make a wish such as, “I hope they remember that they all are on diets,” but my wish never comes true. What’s a little taste among friends?

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, “Happy Birthday To You” written by the Hill sisters in 1893 is the most recognized song in the English language. That’s because it only has four words, and you can usually remember four words even after having a couple of glasses of hooch. The only challenge is to remember the name of the person you are singing to. 

One year, five waiters in a Chinese restaurant sang to me as “Dear Lester.” Do I look like a Lester? Some people don’t want others to know how old they are. When asked, I like to tell people that, “I am 95 years old.” That way people will always tell me that I look really good for my age.

Recently, a young woman suggested that for my birthday, as a gift to myself, I should begin computer dating. I am willing to try new things, but that’s not one of them. With my luck, a former jailbird would contact me, and for our first date we’d knock over a bank.

Larry Lorenzone reminds us, ”Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people, who have the most, live the longest. So take a page from my book and enjoy your special day. It only comes around once a year.” Jack Benny said, “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

 Esther Blumenfeld (“How old would you be, if you didn’t know how old you are?”) Satchel Page