Listen Up

Years ago, when I visited my parents in Florida, they introduced me to a new neighbor. The elderly woman was a cousin of Franz Kafka. Excitedly, I asked her, “What can you tell me about the famous author?” “Well,” she replied, “he was a loner---a somewhat strange fellow. We all called him ‘Crazy Franzi.”’ By her tone, I surmised that he hadn’t been her favorite relative. But, she didn’t say, “He was an annoying little cockroach!”

I’ve always been a good listener. After a bit of practice it’s easy to listen to a person’s words and then figure out what he or she is really saying. It’s like reading between the lines, only you do it with your ears. For instance, most children understand that when mother says, “Maybe,” she really means, “No.”

So, for those of you who need an interpreter, here are some hints about what people say, and then what they might really mean:

“Have a nice day,” probably means, “I don’t care what kind of a day you have. I don’t even know you.” “Let’s have lunch sometime.” If it is said without eye contact, she didn’t add, “when Hell freezes over.”

When a parent says, “Good job!” to a toddler, it always means, “You are brilliant because you found the toilet.” When a host says, “Goodbye,” he is surely saying, “ Are you still here? I thought you left when you said ‘Goodbye’ 20 minutes ago.” “How are you doing?” implies, “Please don’t really tell me.”

It is especially important at the workplace that people listen between the lines. When someone says, “I hear what you are saying,” they really mean, “Stop talking, because I don’t agree with you.” Conversationally, it is the kiss of death when a person says, “Interesting,” because often he means, “Not!” When talking with the boss, and she says, “I’ll bear that in mind,” she means, “What was that all about?”

Two phrases to listen for are: “I only have a few suggestions.” That means, “Do it over.” And, “Do you have any other options?” suggests, “That was a really bad idea.”

“I could care less” is so confusing. I surmise that it means, “I care one bit less than not caring at all,” but I have never understood why someone can’t just say, “I don’t care.” Maybe they think it elevates them from being totally insensitive.

All of us are familiar with, “Your call is very important to us. Someone will be with you shortly.” What they don’t say is, “Someone will pick up the phone in 30 minutes and then hang up on you.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“It tastes like chicken,” means “It’s a dead frog.”)