CHEAPEST FACELIFT IS A SMILE

There’s an old cure for rheumatism: Kill a rattlesnake, skin it, dry it, put the remains in a jug of corn whiskey and then drink it!

I can’t recommend this home remedy, although Israel’s Shulov Institute for Science is looking at the possibility that snake venom with the toxins removed, could become a cure for arthritis. Venom has peptides---a molecule containing amino acids that can turn off pain signals.

People have used home remedies forever. Early American settlers applied urine to outbreaks of acne, and although there is no science to support the pee-on-the-face cure, even Elvis Presley’s mother used urine whenever “The King” had a childhood earache. No wonder he twitched so much.

A doctor once told me to put a drop of vodka in each ear to prevent Swimmer’s Ear.  Now that I am no longer sticking my head under water, I figure a vodka-tonic can do the same thing. No Swimmer’s Ear for me!

I must admit that every time I go to see my excellent doctor, I bring him a new home remedy that I have discovered has worked for me. For instance, for awhile I was getting pain in my legs, and there was seemingly no reason for this phenomenon, until the day I went to buy new hiking shoes and the young salesman said, “Lady, You need a size bigger shoe.” Who knew that old feet keep growing? After I replaced my entire shelf of ill fitting shoes, my wallet shrank and my leg pains disappeared.

The next time I went to see my patient doctor, I showed him my two rubber duckies that light up and squeak when I squeeze them. Squeezing those little ducks, when I go hiking, strengthens my hands and keeps animals as well as fellow hikers at bay.

 I read that putting uncooked rice into a sock, and then heating it in a microwave oven, makes a good heating pad for a sore elbow or shoulder.  I had no regular rice in my cupboard, so I used Rice-A-Roni instead. My heating pad smells delicious!

One time, my father-in-law, the dentist, told me to stick a wet teabag in my mouth. I’m not sure if it was to stem a bit of bleeding from an extracted tooth, or to shut me up since I was chiding him for voting for Richard Nixon.

My greatest home remedy achievement is my “Aches and Pains” topical cream. My doctor told me to get this at a Compounding Pharmacy, but when I saw the ingredients in the cream, I figured, “I can do this.”  So, I got out my mortar and pestle, and ground up some very old heavy duty Ibuprofen, that had been taking up room in my medicine chest for years. I added a slug of Arnica Cream, some Menthol Gel and a pinch of cold cream (just for the heck of it.)  It worked just fine, and my doctor said he was going try to whip up a batch for himself.  

My neighborhood pharmacist told me that I could make a fortune from my “Aches and Pains” cream, since he sells a prescription for a similar concoction for a lot more money than my home remedy costs.

Next time I see my doctor, I am going to tell him to suggest that his patients walk with their shoulders thrust back, instead of hunching forward.  It has to be better than compressing the lungs. And I am going to suggest that his hiking patients get walking sticks. A walking stick is lots of fun to twirl, when no one is looking, and very helpful, unless you toss it into the air and it hits you on the head. 

Then I suggest a bag of frozen peas on the noggin.

Esther Blumenfeld (“The only cure for a real hangover is death”) Robert Benchley