WINGING IT

The October 2016 issue of Consumer Reports Magazine features an article, “Secrets To Stress Free Flying.” After reading the article, I figured out that the first secret is to Stay Home!

My recent trip to Washington, DC from Tucson, AZ was routed through Denver, Colorado, which suffers from daily morning fog. Allowing for this phenomenon, United Airlines arranged for a 40-minute gate change in Denver, which is okay if the departing gate is near the arriving gate.

Of course, a flight delay was expected because it’s always foggy in Denver. Consequently, the plane arrived 10 minutes before boarding began for my flight to Washington, and naturally my gate was at the other end of the terminal.

After deplaning, we passengers walked through what looked like a janitor’s closet, and then hauled our carry-on luggage up two flights of wooden stairs. Exiting a heavy door, we saw a long walkway, and realized that we were at the very end of the runway. Now, I know why they call it a runway. I saw no movable carts, so I began a sprint reminiscent of the OJ Simpson commercial (when he was a football hero, and no one was chasing him.)

I finally found some movable sidewalks and New-York-elbowed my way down them yelling, “Out of my way.  I can’t stop!”  Sure, I could stop, but the other passengers didn’t know that. I finally collapsed at the gate as they were boarding my flight. Since I was one of the last passengers to arrive at the plane entrance the flight attendant told me, “No room in the overhead. You will have to put your carry-on in the bowels of the plane.” “My little suitcase is not going there,” I said. “It is filled with family heirlooms.” She said, “Fear Not!” (No, she didn’t say that, but she should have) “I will find a spot for you.” And she did.

My seat was at the very rear end of the plane, near the lavatory, but I did have an aisle seat. Everything ran smoothly until the pilot turned off the “Stay in your seat” sign, and the stampede began toward the back of the plane. Now, everyone standing in line for his/her turn at the lavatory could use my headrest for a leaning post. The first one to reach the bathroom was a young man who decided that the toilet seat was more comfortable than the one to which he has been assigned, and after monopolizing the space for 25 minutes, the riot began. A man banged on the door and shouted, “Come out of there, you Twerp!”  I said, “Call the flight attendant. Maybe, he died in there.”  Finally, the young man exited, just as the pilot lit the “Return to Your Seat.” sign.

But I have digressed, so, getting back to the Consumer Reports article.  It began with a retrospective; “Winging it through the years”----the good old days when passengers felt neither the squeeze on their wallets or from their ever shrinking seats.

Here are a few magazine suggestions to ease flyer’s stress:

Sign up for an airline credit card. The annual fee is about $100.00.

Speed up the security line by registering for TSA pre-check screening for $85.00. Or, live to be 80-years-old, so you can keep your shoes on.

Pay access to a day pass to an airline lounge for $60 per person.

Bring a sweater so you won’t freeze to death before you arrive at your destination. If you do freeze to death, there will be a charge to carry you off, so don’t do it!

Raise your heels and toes every hour, so you won’t get a blood clot, but if the guy in front of you has his seat back reclined, just kick his seat a few times---really hard!

Get rid of germy surfaces by wiping everything down (including the person sitting next to you) with alcohol-based wipes. If you don’t have alcohol based wipes order a glass of whiskey. It only costs $8.00 a glass.

Buy travel insurance. It only costs $100.00.

So to ease your stress, it will only cost a single person $353.00 unless you want to pay for extra legroom. That’s about $20 an inch.

Right now, the thin seat cushion flotation device is free, but I think that the oxygen mask is optional. Have a good trip!

Esther Blumenfeld