HI, THERE!

 Frankly, I for one, won’t mourn the demise of the handshake. I won’t miss the finger-crunching grip, or the four-finger extended limp-fish gesture, or, especially, the slobbering hand kiss. I always hated that!  I could never wait for the gentleman’s attention to wander elsewhere, so I could wipe the back of my hand on my skirt. I found it totally yucky!

Taking it one step further, I also won’t mind not being kissed on both cheeks by strangers, or enduring the California don’t-mess-my-makeup air kisses blown behind my hearing aids. So, here’s the dilemma; exactly how shall one greet people—especially if only half of your face is visible?

After researching the problem, I found out that there are many creative ways to address people, other than just saying “Hello.” Most people are already familiar with the “Elbow Bump,” that can be quite painful if someone misses your elbow. Also, taking it one step further, I must say, whoever invented the “Butt Bump” is a total idiot! The familiar “Peace Sign” is confusing, because you won’t know if someone is coming or going.

I also read that there’s a foot tap called the “Wuhan Shake.” I have never seen it. Or maybe I have seen it and mistakenly thought that someone was stepping on ants. Some people use the “Vulcan Salute” from STAR TREK. The problem is that by the time I get my fingers to cooperate, the person I want to greet is long gone.

Tipping one’s hat could work if you wear one, but miming a fist bump could get you a bloody nose, and putting your hand over your heart just might bring you an ambulance. If you have had a botox injection, raising your eyebrows is impossible, and even if you could raise them, it wouldn’t work, because no one can see if you are smiling or frowning under that mask.

Someone I know, suggested that clapping your hands, when seeing a good friend, is a nice gesture. However, if a  stranger is  coming your way, she just might turn around to look at what you are clapping at, and then run across the street to avoid you altogether.

I did find some warm and kind greetings a person can muster, that is, if you are feeling warm and kind. The Hindu “Namaste” greeting is simple. You put your palms together, under your chin, and then bow your head, but you have to be sure to eventually look up to see if the person you are greeting is still there.

The “Shake Sign” isn’t too difficult. You curl the 3 middle fingers, extend the thumb and pinky finger and shake your hand side to side.  It’s kind of like the “Vulcan” handshake except with less finger action.

Once you have selected a viable greeting, I would like to add a cautionary note: Whatever you do, NEVER ask, “How are you doing?” because you just might find out.

Esther Blumenfeld