THE DISEMBODIED VOICE AND I

“Do you mind if I put you on hold?” “Yes, I do.”  “You are on hold. Do you want music when you are on hold?” “No.” “We have classical, jazz, country, and elevator music or you can hang on with no music.”  “No music!” PAUSE—more—-PAUSE. “Is anyone there?” Dial tone is there.

“Sorry your call cannot be connected as dialed.  You need the three-digit area code to complete your call. If you do not know the area code, call someone else whose area code you do know.”

“Hello, Grandma!” “I’m not your Grandma, and I’m not sending you any money. Stay in jail”

“Please send money to the police.  If you want to defund the police, please send money to the fire department. If you don’t  mind  giving anyone your social security number over the phone, please send money to Joe, the plumber in case of brain stoppage.”

“Yikes! Your car warranty has run out.” “I don’t have a car.” “Doesn’t matter. For only $30 you can purchase a warranty for your walker.”

“This number is no longer listed. Dial again if you want to hear this message.”

“Your appointment with the doctor has been cancelled. He will see you in six months. If this is an emergency dial 911. If 911 doesn’t answer call us back.”

“Your number has been blocked.” If this is in error, call this number again.”

“HELLO!  HELLO!” Am I still on hold?” Dial tone.

“Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Use your forefinger to punch the numbers.  Do not use your middle finger!”

“Hang up and dial again—or not. We really do not care.” However, if you call back, do you mind being on hold?”

Esther Blumenfeld (call me sometime)