SALESMEN AND SUCKERS

In 1893, at the Columbian Exposition in Chicago, Clark Stanley, the self-appointed “Rattlesnake King” slit open a rattlesnake, threw it into a vat of boiling water, and after the snake fat rose to the top, he scooped it out and put it into some liniment jars along with some herbs. He sold the product to the crowd as “Snake Oil Treatment,” and became the “Snake Oil Salesman.” In 1917 Federal Investigators discovered that the snake part of Stanley’s “cure all” was left out although it was advertised. However, he sold the stuff for another 24 years.

Now, in 2021 the “snake oil” salesmen use my computer to peddle their fraudulent and weird wares that invariably land in my junk mail. Of course, I never open their messages, but here’s a sample that’s available for gullible folks.

My husband, who died in 1998, was offered a credit card from Master Card (unless he needs to
rebuild his credit). After deleting my husband’s junk mail, I attended to mine.  One message merely said, “Thank You.”  If I had answered that one, I could have typed, “You are welcome. Now take back your worm.”

I’m not sure if another pitch wanted me to shine my teeth or shine my liver, but I am certain that I’d never want a Hearing Aid that would “break the sound barrier.” It would probably blow my head off of my shoulders which would make it impossible to shine my liver. Also, I don’t think that I will ever need to take “Granite Testosterone” even for “Nerve Control.” And, is a “Fungus
Destroyer” considered a “Senior Perk?” And, what in the world are “Funeral Potatoes”? But then, I’ve never heard of Funeral Potato chips either.

Considering snacks, I could have ordered “Brain Candy” from one quack, but then maybe the “Knee Candy” might be a treat for the cartilage in my knees. Also, I do not understand the purpose of a “Flip Fork.” Maybe it is used to “Empty Your Bladder.”  YIKES!

However, after deleting my junk mail, I also have discovered that there are things for sale on the internet that might appeal to the sucker of the moment such as the “Zombie Attack Survival Kit.” Assuming that you have ordered the kit and survived the attack, you could always order a “ghost in a jar.” I guess you’d have to be specific about which ghost you’d like to keep in a jar, and then I wonder where do you keep that jar? It could be very disconcerting to have it in your bedroom.  Maybe the kitchen where you keep your “Wolverine Meat Shredder Claws” would be a good place—just in case the ghost gets out.

The most inventive sales pitch I found was a “Soul For Sale.” The price was not listed. I’m sure the amount is negotiable…It always has been.

Esther Blumenfeld