WHO WROTE THAT?

After sending her some jokes that I had written, Phyllis Diller wanted more. She particularly liked the one where I wrote: “Zip Lock Bags. That’s what they used to call the Good Girls.”
However, what she paid barely covered the postage.  At that, I decided that as a professional  humor writer, not only did I want credit for what I wrote, but my work would never be cheap—better free than cheap.

A long-time speech writer for the Chairman of the Board of a large company asked for a raise. The Chairman said, “You are making enough money. I’m not giving you a raise.” A week later the Chairman was to deliver his yearly speech in front of hundreds of his employees. He stepped up to the dais, opened his speech portfolio, and read: “You are on your own— You S.O.B.” Historically, writers have been unfairly treated, even though everything you read has been written by someone— including the instructions on your medicine bottle.

By now, most of you are aware of the writer’s strike which involves 11,000 film, TV, news, radio and online writers. What they want is a stable pay structure as well as fairer deals that include residuals from streaming— as well as contract provisions for Artificial Intelligence (AI).

The 2023 Writer’s Strike is the first one since that last strike in 2007, when having writers on strike opened the door for TV Reality Shows such as “The Apprentice.” They were cheap since they didn’t need actors or writers. So, now, 600 Reality Shows have made it to TV.  In the 1960’s FCC Chairman, Newton Minnow said, “Television is a Vast Wasteland.” Now much of it has become a garbage dump with shows like, “The Housewives of Wherever” who shout at each other and expose their most intimate selves to millions of viewers.  Also, I know about the actors in the popular show, “Downton Abbey,”  but I am not familiar with the folks in “Duck  Dynasty, or those people who appear in “Pawn Stars” or “Dr. Pimple Popper.”

Years ago, Sid Caesar’s “Show of Shows” probably had the best stable of writers ever gathered in one place. They included Mel Brooks who went on as a performer as well as  writing and producing movies and plays. Neil Simon, the famous playwright, Larry Gelbart, (remember Mash and Mary Tyler Moore?) Carl Reiner, Woody Allen and many others.
Most comedians could not survive without their writers, and few are as spontaneous as Robin Williams. Bob Hope was a good guy, but he needed his writers…so it is rumored.

I had one experience writing for someone else. The first lesson is that when your words are coming out of someone else’s mouth, the words have to fit that person.  I like getting credit for my work, and did not especially want to write a funny speech for a big-wig from New Jersey who lived in Atlanta. When he approached me, I told him that I don’t do ghost writing, but he persisted. He finally said, “If you would do this, what would you charge?”  I thought if I quoted him an exorbitant amount, he’d finally back off.  No such luck. I was stuck. However, I did stipulate that before he delivered the speech, I would have to listen to it, so it would fit his personality.  

The speech was written, and he began to read it to me. He started by saying, “Haa, There, Ya’All.” I said, “What are you doing?”  He said, “I thought I should give this talk with a Southern  Accent.” Horrified, I said, “Whatever you do—DON’T DO THAT!” I took the money and ran. I never did hear him give that speech in front of an audience, but it was the one time, I was glad not to get the credit.

So, the next time you read something, even directions on a box on how to build something, be sure to have a bit of respect for the writer—unless a screw is missing and the directions are in Chinese.

Esther Blumenfeld