CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

Recently, I called my cousin who lives in Seattle to wish her a “Happy Holiday.” “Can’t talk now,” was her response. The kids are coming and I’ve just started cleaning the house.” When are they supposed to arrive?” I asked. “Any minute,” she replied. “Housekeeping is just not my thing!”

Before I disconnected the phone, I suggested to my cousin, “Don’t make the house so neat that the kids won’t know where they are.”

I don’t hate housework, but my mind wanders when I am doing chores, and I forget what I’ve already done. For instance, when I put fresh sheets on my bed, I was thinking about the American Constitution.

After washing the sheets, I opened the dryer compartment and noticed black scuffmarks all over the inside drum. There were two possibilities for that phenomenon---either I had trapped a small South Korean rapper doing the Gangnam Macarena in there---or I had dried a pair of slippers with rubber soles. There was no little rapper jumping around in my dryer, so I cursed the shoes as I cleaned the appliance.

Not wanting to be a total nincompoop, I turned on my handy-dandy MacBook (after all it is a “Pro”) and Goggled, “House Cleaning Tips From Heloise.” She was no help at all!

First tip: “Want to clean your refrigerator fast? Unplug it.” Unless someone named, Heloise comes over and helps me move the refrigerator, it’s going to remain plugged in. I think it would have been more helpful had she suggested, “Throw out anything that smells bad and has started growing on its own.”

The next hint was to clean the toaster by removing the crumb tray. It is so much easier to turn it upside down and shake. She probably should have said, “Do not try to remove stuck-on-stuff with a knife while the toaster is still plugged in---unless you want a new hair-do.”

I did like the suggestion about the dishwasher. “Get paper towels to remove shards of glass, bones and other gunk.” My mind began to wonder about people who put bones into their dishwashers. Do you think that’s the way scientists wash  their fossils?

The last suggestion made some sense. ”To conquer kitchen clutter, throw stuff out.” I think that includes husbands and children who want to snack on the party tray before guests arrive.

I quit reading her advice when it came to, “Tackle the toilet.” No way am I going to tackle that thing without a helmet.

Esther Blumenfeld (can a vegan use a feather duster?)