SIMPLE SIMON

We have entered the silly season, and for the next few months we will listen to politicians make claims such as, “My Daddy is bigger than your Daddy.”

A knowledgeable guest on NPR (National Public Radio) informed listeners that the average reading level of people in the United States is between 8th and 9th grade, so now political strategists have advised their clients to “dumb down” language. They suggest that candidates who have graduated from schools such as Harvard or Princeton use simple words such as “duh” when trying to convince people to vote for them.

Of course, this advice extends to political debates. Beware when a candidate says, “I am speechless!” I can promise you that he will not be at a loss for
words---lots and lots and lots of words. So, in our future we will listen to political debates that will go something like this:

Candidate #1:  I started out dirt poor.

Candidate #2:  Well, I am filthy rich and proud of it, and people in this country want to end up as filthy as I am.

Candidate #1:  The cat is out of the bag. I care more about the middle class than you do.

Candidate #2:  You hurt my feelings. I like the middle class. As a matter of fact, I am head over heels in love with the middle class. You started out dirt poor, and I am filthy rich, and they are in the middle. Why wouldn’t I like people who stand between you and me?

Candidate #1:  I am concerned about the health of our citizens. They eat too much junk food.

Candidate #2:  Maybe if the Packers had a running game, they’d be more in shape.

Candidate #1:  You just lost Wisconsin. Yippee!

Candidate #2:  But I’m fit as a fiddle, so the Boston Pops will vote for me.

Candidate #1:  A little bird told me that the job market is improving. That makes me happy as a clam.

Candidate #2:  Fat chance you can make that claim. Tell that to the guy who doesn’t have a job.

Candidate # 1:  I just did.

Candidate #2:  Slim chance you are going to keep yours.

Candidate #1:  Beating you will be easy as pie. You are a bully.

Candidate #2:  That is the pot calling the kettle black.

Candidate #1: You are a racist.

Candidate #2:  I take umbrage to that assertion.

Candidate #1:  Ha! Ha! I made you use big words.

Candidate #2:  I will see you again at the next debate.

Candidate #1:  How about I send you an autographed picture instead?

Esther Blumenfeld (I approve this message)