Mad About The Girl

There are worse things in life than dropping a sizzling, hot baked potato on the floor, but when I did it twice, I recognized, that using an oven mitt would have been a good idea. Of course, I know the difference between a microwave oven and an oven oven.  It’s not stupidity. It’s hubris. I was impatient, in a hurry, and wanted my baked potato---NOW!

I am woman see me roar, but in this case I was roaring, “Hot! Hot! Hot!” Naturally, as I wiped smashed potato off the floor, I was angry with myself, but happily, I can’t stay angry with anyone. Anger is more corrosive than rock salt.

In contrast, the next morning, on my way to a dental appointment, I encountered my first experience with “road rage,” which is way scarier than dropping a hot potato.

With cars streaming in both directions, I sat behind the wheel of my automobile, at a busy intersection, waiting for the traffic light’s left turn arrow. It was safer to wait, because I couldn’t see around the cars that were going to turn on the opposite side of the street.

A young man, in the car behind me got my attention as he sat in his car flailing his arms, yelling, and honking his horn (not his horn but rather the horn of his dilapidated car). My windows were closed, so I couldn’t hear what he was shouting, but I got the impression that he was very angry with me.

In a few seconds, the green arrow appeared, I made my left turn, and flipped on my right turn directional signal since I immediately was going to turn right onto the road that led to my dentist’s office. The man in the car behind me was still honking, and yelling and waving his arms, and he continued to follow me—very close. At this point I was concerned that he was steering his car with his feet, and that he might decide to shoot off something more than his mouth. This guy didn’t need anger management. He needed nitwit management.

As I parked in front of the dentist’s office, my brave, pudgy, little dentist ran out with his drill going full blast and scared the road raging fellow away. No, that part of the story isn’t true, but I think a couple of well-placed shots of Novocain, would have done the enraged man some good. Happily, he sped off, tires squealing, obscenities spewing, ready to face the rest of his venomous day. This is when you want to advise someone to; “Remember to always be yourself, unless you are a jackass.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“Whoa, who peed in your Cheerios?”) Becca Fitzpatrick 

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

With the story of Narcissus, the Greeks cautioned us about obsessing over our looks. Narcissus, the handsome hunter, looked into the water, fell in love with his own reflection, and unable to stop admiring himself, died there all-alone.

No one wants to end up like poor Narcissus, but vanity and the pursuit of beauty, subject to the whims of trendsetters, has led to tortured bodies throughout the ages. From the bound feet of women in China, to the metal coiled neckpieces that turned necks into stalks in Myanmar, and corsets that withered muscles, broke ribs and atrophied organs of women in Europe and the United States, bodies as well as self image suffered.

At one time, women were celebrated for their natural bodies, but the standard of beauty has gone through drastic changes over the years. Art historian, Anne Hollander said, “Nudity is a costume.” Benjamin Franklin would have liked that, because he had a tendency to write in the nude. However, he was relatively clean compared to other patriots in 1776 that were a smelly, dirty bunch.

Our Founding Fathers had a bath once or twice a month, their hair was a home for lice, and dental disease was the norm.  Wigs for men and hairpieces for women covered greasy hair, and everyone wore perfume to hide body odor. Because it couldn’t get much worse than that, they were able to form a more perfect Union.

In the 14^th and 15^th centuries, full-figured women were glorified. In the 1800’s, women were pale, plump and perfect. But in the 1900’s, as women began to play sports, the slender figure became ideal. Women joined the Olympics and Eleanor Roosevelt taught calisthenics and dance.

The 1920’s brought the flapper era of the “washboard” boyish figure, but in the 1950’s, thanks to Marilyn Monroe, curves were once again in fashion. The 1960’s brought a wave of eating disorders, because of the British teenager, “Twiggy,” a 5’7” model who weighed 92 pounds. Things turned from bad to worse in the 1990’s, when 5’9”, 100 pound model, Kate Moss introduced the “waif” look, and models began to eat Kleenex to satisfy their hunger pangs. Fed up with diets, women as well as men then turned to plastic surgery for fat-sucking procedures to realize the desired silhouettes that used to be achieved by steel and whalebone.

However, in 2014, there seems to be a push-back---as store mannequins are beginning to look more realistic, reflecting bodies of average women---with love handles, thicker waists and breasts that don’t protrude beside arm pits. Stores are now making an effort to display mannequins that look more like the women who buy their clothes. It is also helpful to customers to see a mannequin who doesn’t look as if it has just suffered the guillotine. The headless horseman might be okay if you are shopping for pumpkins, but not a wedding gown.

My 77-year-old friend, Deborah, is a natural beauty. She recently attended a party where a woman bragged about her recent face-lift, looked at Deborah, and said, “I’m a year older than you, but I look so much younger.” Sometimes, beauty is a sty in the eye of the beholder.

Esther Blumenfeld (“You’re born naked baby, and everything after that is drag!”) RuPaul

Great Performances

After a morning of reading about China’s foreign policy, an afternoon of story writing, and a bout with arithmetic (preparing my taxes), I just wanted an evening of television entertainment.

Fifty years ago, FCC Chairman, Newton Minow said, “Television is a vast wasteland.” Now it’s even vaster and more wasted, but some shows are still worth watching. However, on this particular night, they were not to be found. I think if I could have combined some of them, I might have watched; “How the “Pickpocket King“ met your mother”--- the “Mob Wife” at “Bad Girls All Star Battle.” Or, I might have watched; “The Bachelor”---“Finding Bigfoot.”

“Bizarre Food” shows can be fun. However a “Texas Garden” usually won’t grow “chopped pickled sausage,” and I’m sure a Texan would shoot a “squid whelp snail.”

In a “Face Off” there might be a “New Girl” who becomes a “Person of Interest” and then a “Trophy Wife,” after a major “Wife Swap.”  All in all, the “Fashion Police” might have enjoyed fixing the “Collateral Damage” with a makeover on the “Survivor.” Oh, if I only had the intestinal fortitude to watch that show!

Getting desperate, I almost watched, “World Gumball,” and “Hardcore Pawn,” but didn’t think I could take the violence of “Shocking Hip Hop Moments.” It was getting late, so I decided that “Moonshiners” had the right idea, and I made myself a cup of tea with honey and a shot of whiskey.

Instead of watching, “Dog With a Blog” or “Ink Master,” I decided to have “The Last Word.” I turned off the TV and instead of “Counting Cars,” I went to bed, counted a few sheep and fell asleep.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll watch “Storage Wars” instead of peeking at that “Iron Man,”Wolf Blitzer in the “Situation Room.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“I Can See Clearly Now”) Dr. Wayne Dyer, PBS

Nailing Jell-O

Webster defines impossible as “incapable of being or occurring.”

Yesterday, I saw a neighbor who had recently retired, and asked him, ”How are you enjoying your retirement?” He said, “So far, so good, but I am studying for my insurance license, so I can work for my wife.” He added, “We have been married for 4 years now, and have never had an argument.” “Well,” I replied, “if you are going to work for your wife, I guess you are going to have quite a few discussions.”

Some things are impossible for me to believe. For instance, it is impossible for me to believe that my computer doesn’t hate me, or that there is intelligent life on other planets when there is so little of it here, or when I get phone calls at dinnertime, from people selling things, that they don’t know I’m eating dinner.

John Candy said, “Whoever said nothing is impossible, obviously hasn’t tried to nail Jell-O to a tree.” However, too often, people say that something is impossible, because they haven’t reasoned out a solution to a difficult problem.

Young people don’t know what’s impossible. That’s why they achieve it. As a writer, I discovered early on that for every 10 people who discouraged me, there would be one person who cheered me on. Then when I achieved the perceived impossible task, the 10 claimed that they, “always said it was a great idea.” It’s good to remember that sometimes the impossible may only be temporary, and that a good friend is impossible to forget.

When I was in college, I took a course in political science. After taking an essay exam, the professor called me into his office and told me, “Your answer on the exam, is the best I have ever read.” I thought, “Wow! That’s great, but that is impossible to believe.” I found out that I was right when he then said, “Unfortunately, your answer had nothing to do with the question.”  That’s when I learned to take classes from professors who asked better questions.

Elizabeth Arden would have like me---not for my flawless make-up, but because she said, “I only want people around me who can do the impossible.” Often, when I was working on a magazine assignment, a contact would say, “It is impossible for me to give you that information,” or, “It will be impossible for you to get an appointment with that busy person.” That’s when I would respond, “Who do I talk to now?” That is when I learned the value of a sense of humor, because it is impossible for people to laugh and be angry at the same time. Once, it took 50 telephone calls, but I got the appointment with the impossibly busy Mayor of Atlanta.

I agree with Walt Disney who said, “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” Fear of failure makes it impossible to achieve one’s dreams. A person just has to plow ahead vowing not to fail. It might not work, but you’ll never know if you don’t try the impossible.

Esther Blumenfeld (“In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd.”) Miguel de Cervantes

Teeter Totter

Jimmy Buffet said, “Indecision may or may not be my problem.”

I consider myself a relatively decisive person, because I don’t have the patience to be indecisive. Since shopping is not my favorite sport, I don’t vacillate, but I usually buy what I need or want, and never worry that I could have gotten a better deal elsewhere. What’s done is done!

However, when confronted with change, sometimes I find it difficult to make up my mind, but often one doesn’t have a choice. For instance, I usually drive the same route to the airport, but recent construction made that impossible. I was picking up a friend, and was confronted with my great fear of getting lost. I had to make up my mind to drive an unfamiliar route. Armed with a map and a moody GPS, I white-knuckled the steering wheel, took a leap of faith and made the decision to go ahead. Since you are reading this story, you know I did not end up in New Mexico.

My friend, Pamela, and her husband, Chuck are very devoted to one another, but occasionally they disagree on important issues such as how much liquid detergent to pour into the cap of the bottle before emptying it into the washing machine. Married couples are known to have these kinds of discussions at least once a day. Finally, Pamela decisively threw the bottle of detergent into the trash, and that was the end of their “discussion.” This, from a woman who considers herself indecisive.

Granted, making decisions is hard. It’s so much easier when someone else makes up your mind for you. When someone says, “You choose,” maybe he thinks he is being nice. I think he just doesn’t want to be blamed for making the wrong decision, so he leaves it up to you. Of course, there are those people who like to rub it in if you make the wrong choice. If that happens, you can always claim that it was an educational experience.  Sam Levenson said, “You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

Once, when driving a friend to her house, I said, “ Do I turn left?” “Right,” she replied. I turned right, and then she said. You should have turned left.” I still don’t know if she couldn’t make up her mind.

Esther Blumenfeld (When you don’t know what to do---take a nap!)