Forbidden Ferrets

Starting today, Arizonans face about 250 new legislative mandates.

I’m a very reasonable person. When a warning on a bottle says, “Poison!” I know not to drink the stuff, and when I see a sign that says, “Beware, Quicksand!” I figure that’s not the best place for a stroll. However, 250 new laws seem a bit overwhelming---especially when they have been written by a group of exceedingly underwhelming legislators.

There is no way that I can remember 250 new rules, but two of them stuck with me; “Ferrets will be forbidden in restaurants as service animals.”  However, as far as I know, there is no law that says that the chef can’t fricassee one of them.

Also, the law that originally exempted “idiots and lunatics from jury service” has now been changed to more socially acceptable language. That, of course, prevents lunatics from having a jury of their peers.

Wallace Stegner said, “It’s the beginning of wisdom when you recognize that the best you can do is choose which rules you can’t live by, and it’s persistent and aggravated imbecility to pretend you can live without any.”

I once drove in Tijuana, Mexico when the city lost its electricity. There were no operating traffic lights, and that led to drivers ending up in the center of an intersection honking at each other. I learned several Spanish words I had never heard before.

Some laws are sensible and necessary. Don’t wait for an accident to learn the rules of the road. It also helps if you know the difference between the gas pedal and the brake. There are so many “Don’ts” in this life. I must admit that I have ignored some of them.

When a park bench has a sign that says, “Wet Paint. Do Not Touch!” I can’t resist checking it out with the tip of my index finger, but I don’t sit on the bench. I’m naturally skeptical---not senile.

When a soldier on the Wall of China, put his hand in front of my face and shouted, “No photos!” I snapped one after he left. I don’t like being yelled at in any language. Of course, I did the same thing in Ireland, when soldiers, carrying machine guns, jumped out of a truck yelling, “No pictures!” They were collecting store bank deposits while keeping watch for the IRA. How did they know that this tourist spoke English? Got a great photo.

Henry David Thoreau said, “Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it.” In Australia, there were signs on the beach, “No Swimming! Alligators!  Not wanting to end up as Alligator fodder, I followed that rule, but plenty of locals did not. They didn’t seem to care if their children played in the surf. Must have had lots of children to spare.

A sign that never makes sense to me is, “Out of Order. Do not use!”

Larry Flynt, no paragon of virtue, did however; say something that makes sense, “Majority rule only works if you consider individual rights. Because you can’t have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.” In other words, decrees aren’t necessarily sacred, but principles are.

Esther Blumenfeld (“The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly”) Abraham Lincoln

Food For Thought

At one point in my life, I earned certification from the Atlanta Jewish Board of Education as a teacher of Social Ethics. For all of my efforts, I was awarded a lovely certificate and a not so lovely class of 15-year-old students. Soon, I decided that the best way to grab the attention of boys who would rather be playing baseball, and girls who’d rather be polishing their fingernails, was to role-play.

For my first lesson, I didn’t need many props---a walking cane, some cotton balls, pebbles, gloves and a pair of reading glasses lightly coated with Vaseline. The student, whom I volunteered to become old in an instant, put cotton in her ears, pebbles in her shoes, the glasses on her nose and the gloves on her hands. Yes, and after all that---she needed the cane.

I instructed another student to play the role of a bank teller, and gave her a form for her “elderly customer” to fill out. I also instructed her to speak softly and rapidly. Rapid is easy for teenagers. Then I asked three other students to get in line behind the “old lady.” One was a man late for work, another was a mother who needed to pick up her children at school, and the third was a fellow on his way to meet his girlfriend. I do not need to describe the rest of the exercise, but the reaction of the class was illuminating.

The conversation went something like this: “Getting old is hard.”  “It doesn’t have to be. My grandparents wear hearing aids and Grandma walks with a cane, but they just took a cruise to Japan and brought me a Samurai Sword.” I don’t know what the sword had to do with the conversation, but sometimes it’s hard to keep kids on track. One girl said, “I’d rather die than get old.” A chorus of “That’s stupid!” followed with glowing personal stories about their grandparents. But then the gadfly said, “Yes, but what if you get really sick when you are old?” Whereupon, I said, “What if you get really sick when you’re young?”

Then I asked, “So, what’s the worst thing about getting old?” Silence was followed by an illuminating comment from the back of the room. “The worst thing about getting old is when people treat you as if you are invisible—like you don’t matter anymore.” And, then the bell rang. Those students are now dealing with their own aging parents, and I often wonder if they remember the lesson.

P.G. Woodhouse said, “There is only one cure for grey hair. A Frenchman invented it. It is called the guillotine.”  I must admit that as I age, I sometimes fight the perception that I am becoming invisible, but then I remember that there is my inner essence and that belongs to me. If people show a glimmer of interest, I may or may not choose to share it with them.

One morning, I was alone, sitting at the top of a mountain, watching the sunrise. I thought, “In this big universe, do I really matter?” Then I heard a loud sneeze. It bounced from mountain to mountain. “Oh, nuts!” I thought, “Moses got a burning bush, and God sent me a sneeze.  Then I spied a hiker, and realized I wasn’t alone on the path.

My friend, Carol, a recorder of oral histories was commissioned to interview residents in nursing home, and then their stories were framed and hung outside of their rooms. The purpose of the exercise was that the elderly should not be pre-judged as “just old folks,” but as people who had made something of value with their lives. It was a brilliant exercise to battle prejudice—which comes from pre-judgment. It reminded everyone who entered a room that, “I’m not who I was, but that doesn’t mean that I am nobody.”

The hard thing about growing old is to accept the stupid remarks that come from the most unwelcome sources. A person is only invisible to those who don’t want to see them.  Margaret Atwood said it best; ”I’m not senile. If I burn down the house it will be on purpose.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“The sky is filled with stars invisible by day.”) Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What's In A Name?

“A rose is a rose/is a rose” especially if your name is Rose. That’s not so hard for people to remember. However meeting someone named DaVita might be more difficult. You could always associate it with Evita, but first you have to conjure up Argentina, and then hopefully remember, “It’s dat DaVita.”

I once met a man whose name was Theodore. “Wow!” I thought. “That’s easy. I’ll just recall Teddy Roosevelt.” So, the next time I saw him, I said, “Hi, Frank!” He excused himself after I said, “You’re the wrong President.” I have a visual memory, so when I meet someone, and write the name down, I can usually recall it by visualizing the piece of paper whereupon the name is written. However, when I am introduced to someone in a crowd, that name usually flies into one ear and out the other.

Hiking in Sabino Canyon, I often pass some of the same hikers everyday, and we usually exchange greetings. One nice couple always gives me a cheery hello. After doing this for a few years, I finally introduced myself. It was my lucky day. His name is Jack and her name is Jean. I just have to be careful not to call them Uncle Jack and Aunt Jean since I had one of each of those.

It’s most embarrassing when you see someone you know well and can’t remember her name. Sometimes you can get away with, “I’m having a senior moment” and everyone laughs, but when that person is your sister-in-law, forgetting her name can go over like a lead balloon.

I know a famous Atlanta based author who never remembers anyone’s name. It’s a tip-off when he greets someone with, “Hello, Darlin’!” The only time he lucked out was at a book signing when a woman’s name was Darlene. She was extremely flattered, because she’d never even met him.

The Eskimos have 52 names for snow. At least a person should remember one of them. “Snow” works for me. A good way to ensure that people will remember your name is to make a discovery or have a disease named after you. Who could ever forget that cut up, Joseph-Ignace Guillotin?

Mitch Hedberg said, “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”

Remembering someone’s name makes him feel important and special, so don’t say, “I haven’t forgotten your name, I’ve repressed it. That might not go over so well.

Most people are lousy listeners and that is part of the problem with names. I’ve already mentioned mnemonic device as a memory method.  Here are a few others suggested by experts:

When meeting someone, ask him to spell his name. Of course if his name is Joe, he will think you are stupid and it won’t matter if you remember it or not.

Keep repeating the name. “Hi, Jill.” “Nice to meet you Jill.” “So what’s new Jill?” “Why are you leaving, Jill?”

Visualize her name on her forehead. If you meet someone named Cat, you can always visualize a litter box.

Associate the name with an outstanding facial feature, but be sure to pick a good one, because “Hi, Wart” might not go over so well.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell---the name will carry.”) Bill Cosby

Starting Over

There’s an old Chinese proverb that says, “A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.” It means that beginnings aren’t easy, and that every journey in life has to start somewhere. I don’t know where the expression, “new beginnings” comes from, because I have never experienced an old beginning.

You can put the past behind you, but as far as I know, you can’t put it ahead of you, because then you won’t know if you are coming or going. Usually a beginning comes after something ends.

When New Year’s Eve rolls around, people drink toasts to the end of the old year--- and then they toast in the new. Often, they resolve to do something better than they did the year before. However, after all of those toasts, the next day usually begins with something such as “Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Starting anew is an adventure. A baby gets the courage to take that first step when he gets bored with just crawling around. Beginnings present challenges—some are exciting and some downright scary, but dancing backwards through life just doesn’t work unless you have eyes in back of your head.

Some beginnings come from a decision to end something else---or fate makes the decision for us. When a door closes, you can’t open it again. You only think you can with selective memory. When someone says, “I miss the good old days,” I usually reply, “So you miss the Black Plague and the Inquisition?”

Sally Ber said, “The secret to getting ahead is getting started.” Of course with some people the problem arises that they have to take themselves along for the ride.

All I know is that if you wait for the perfect moment, you’ll never get started---you’ll never begin—and if you don’t begin, you’ll never get to where you need to go. Just ask any crawling baby.

Esther Blumenfeld (Inertia is a non starter)

Whose Little Data Base Are You?

It takes an extraordinary person to develop a technological wonder such as opening a door without a key. In the olden days, only burglars knew how to do that.

New generations of computerized home-automated products are now available such as a moisture sensor that detects water heater leaks, and color controls that can simulate a sunrise to awaken you. Of course, that can be quite a letdown if you open the blinds and it’s raining outside.

Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg, and a few other company honchos, have announced a partnership, Internet.org with plans to give access “to the two-thirds of the world who are not connected.” So now, besides searching for clean water, medical care, food, indoor plumbing, electricity, a job and safe shelter, the poor of the world will be able to get online, via mobile phones, and become part of a social network. All this only proves that you can’t program common sense.

Maybe I’m wrong. Stewart Brand said, “Once a new technology rolls over you, if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road.” Ouch! I must admit that often I’m just not user friendly.

I worry that soon we will be drowning in technology. Mitchell Kapor said, “Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.” So who’s the tool around here? The problem arises that no one wants to question information coming out of an expensive machine that, at that price, would never have the nerve to lie to you. For example, my computer recently quoted a woman in the U.S. who said, “Canada isn’t really foreign soil.” Eh!

There is now a computerized headset called Google Glass that sits above the eyes and contains a tiny computer that takes pictures and videos, makes phone calls, sends e-mails and gets directions. This invasive technology will obliterate any privacy people have left. I assume that some smart attorneys will question these privacy issues.

Already, bars and casinos have banned the device. After all, how can casino security folks continue to spy on their gambling customers when these customers are already spying on each other? I thought the singer, Carmen Miranda looked silly wearing fruit on her head, but maybe someday Lady Gaga will wear a Google Glass Bra. “Here’s looking at you kid.”

On August 25, 2013 the television show, 60 Minutes had a segment featuring Facial Recognition Software. Once a person’s face is recognized, products geared for their purchasing habits can be advertised. Manikins in store windows already have facial recognition surveillance. This might be an argument for donning a Berka before shopping. Right now, companies are tracking their customers through credit cards and store cameras. Smart phones are smarter than many of the people who use them, and can make facial recognition as easy as Google can.

So where are we going with all this unbridled data collection? Dave Berry predicts, “One day soon, the Gillette Company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer micro-chip can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don’t even exist yet.”

Esther Blumenfeld (“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.”) Paul Ehrlich