Dry Martinis And Other Weather

Last summer, I took a trip to Washington, DC, but due to unusual weather, I had to pack both my hurricane and my earthquake outfits. “On the go” has taken on a whole new meaning due to climate change.

Richard Muller, physicist at the University of California Berkeley thought previous studies based on global heat balance were wrong, so global warming deniers eagerly funded his independent Berkeley Earth Surface Temperature (BEST) project.  But, things didn’t quite work out as they expected. Former skeptic, Dr. Muller said, “Our biggest surprise was that the new results agreed so closely with the warming values previously published by other teams in the United States and the United Kingdom. Global warming is real. Perhaps our results will help cool this portion of the climate debate.”

The deniers who had embraced him are now attacking his credibility, and turning to people like the British charlatan, Lord Monckton, who has absolutely no expertise whatsoever in this area, but is denying away at his heart’s content, while also claiming he has discovered cures for numerous diseases.

I’m not sure if it was Monckton who started the rumor that polar ice is melting, because those pesky white bears have extraordinarily hot breath and keep panting on the glaciers, but he can say anything he wants---and there are people out there who will make it worth his while, and others who will believe him.

Of course, as droughts choke out the crops, seas rise, icebergs melt and polluted air becomes more toxic, we can always ignore science and say, “Hey, it’s not our fault!” So whose fault is it?

Jay Leno said it best: “Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it’s as if these people don’t hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, and their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, “Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?”

Solution: Texas is cracking from drought. Move Texas to Bangkok. They have plenty of water.

Esther Blumenfeld (Whether it’s cold, or whether it’s hot, there’s going to be weather, whether or not.)

Food Glorious Food

I recently read that ¼ of Americans have a food aversion at any given time. Of course, those with health problems or allergies need to avoid certain foods such as sugar, salt or peanuts, but why is it that people just don’t like certain foods?

Until I was a guest at a Chinese Dim sum breakfast, I thought I could eat anything, as I helped myself to small portions of steamed any things off of the rolling cart. However, when the “White Cloud Phoenix Chicken Claws” rolled by, I gasped, and not so graciously said, “Oh, My God, it’s chicken feet!” I don’t like toothpicks after my breakfast---let alone as a part of it.

Some fascinating research has been conducted concerning food preferences. The entertainers, Penn and Teller went to a restaurant in Southern California that features not only an extensive water menu, but also a water Sommelier. They filled the $7.00 water bottles with water from the hose behind the restaurant, but people preferred what they thought was the fancy water. Similar experiments have been conducted with wine. Given a choice, wine tasters preferred the wine from what was labeled a  $100.00 bottle of wine--- not realizing the wine had been switched with a cheap brand and the other bottle labeled $6.00 contained the expensive wine.

Food labeling matters. No one wanted to even taste “Smoked Salmon Ice Cream,” but a few people said that the “Frozen Savory Mousse” tasted good.

Also, for me it’s location, location, location! I personally don’t enjoy eating a hamburger at the zoo or a fish taco at an aquarium, but that’s a matter of respect. My father-in-law insisted he didn’t like anything cooked with onions. My mother-in-law told him it was celery, and he loved it.  George H.W. Bush uttered one of the most famous food rejections, “I’m President, so no more broccoli!” I don’t know why he doesn’t like broccoli, but it is a fact that some people just don’t like green food. My mother disliked the smell of peanut butter, so I never had peanut butter sandwiches.

Food preparation also makes a difference.  On the East Coast, people like their vegetables crisp. In the South, they prefer their veggies almost mushy. Sweet tea is served in Southern restaurants, but when I asked for iced coffee, I was told,” I don’t know how to make that.” A friend traveled to Helen, Georgia and asked for sourdough toast. The waitress said, “Where do you think you are boy, San Francisco? You got a choice of white or brown bread.” In all fairness, when I was in San Francisco, I asked, “What kind of tea do you have?” And the waiter said, “I don’t know. I don’t read Chinese.”

I read that tamales are now a popular substitute to turkey on Thanksgiving. Somehow, I can’t envision a Presidential Tamale Pardon. Oh, well, to each his own.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” Fran Liebowitz)

Good Deeds And Other Punishing Behavior

I don’t encourage drop-ins. I do not visit with people without calling them first, so consequently, if someone unexpectedly rings my doorbell, I rarely open the door. Without fail, surprise visitors usually come by when I’m in the midst of a writing project, or if I’ve just stepped out of the shower. I feel no obligation to accommodate them.

However, last night, a neighbor frantically pounded on the door, rang the bell and yoo-hooed the owls out of the trees. Against my better judgment, thinking that it must be an emergency, I opened the door. As I stood there in my, “Women are from Venus” nightshirt, with shower hair and no makeup, she said, “Your hair looks great, my phone is out of order, and I have to call my daughter to tell her I am okay. Can I use your phone?” She is one of my nicer neighbors, and since it was a semi-emergency I let her in.

She made a quick call and was on her way toward a quick exit. As I opened the door, a little Chinese boy wearing a plaintive look and Boy Scout uniform greeted us both. He looked at her, unfurled a long order list and said,” “Would you like to buy some caramel corn for my troop?” Whereupon, my neighbor pointed at me and said, “I think you want her.” And then she left, and I was stuck with the little salesman.

New neighbors moved across the street a few weeks ago, and their little boy is Chinese. I thought little Michael looked taller than I remembered him, but a uniform can make any little man look bigger. He seemed a bit confused when I said, “Michael, if you promise not to bring any of that caramel corn to my house, I will give you a check for your troop.” Notwithstanding, he happily took my check, as his beautiful Chinese mother materialized and thanked me. When they left, I remembered that Michael’s mother is not Chinese.

So, I let my neighbor in to make a phone call. That call cost me $15.00 (standing at the front door in my nightshirt) for the Boy Scouts of America, and I do not know why those strangers came all the way from China to ring my bell. I am never opening my front door again!

Esther Blumenfeld (digging a moat)

Trail Mix

Every morning I hike a few miles in Sabino Canyon, a beautiful spot in the Santa Catalina Mountain Range that began its formation over 12 million years ago. Hiking is one of the most exciting ways to explore the magic of the Southwest.

I like venturing off the beaten path, but even those who hike the main trail to the top of a mountain are expected to follow some basic rules:

1. Runners and hikers are expected to yield to equestrians, which makes a lot of sense unless you enjoy getting run over by a horse.

 2. Bicyclists are supposed to yield to everyone and to announce themselves when they are behind someone. They should avoid using a bullhorn, because that could spook a tourist, and spooked tourists leave bigger scat than non-spooked tourists.

 3. Anyone going downhill is supposed to yield to those gasping on their way uphill.

4. Groups of women should not block a trail, but if they do, it’s best to let them go ahead of you, so you don’t think you are being followed by a flock of cackling chickens.

5. Using headphones or ear buds is not a good idea, because you might miss a shout of “ mountain lion!” “I didn’t hear it coming” would look dumb in your obituary.

6. If you plan to go any further than the parking lot, carry water, wear a hat, bring sunscreen and carry a cell phone. I even carry a soccer whistle in case I come across game, and in the mountains that can be some game!

7. If you hike to the top of the mountain, remember you have only hiked half way, unless you want to jump off.

8. Leave no trace that you have been there. That means if you quaff an energy drink, you should have the strength to toss the can into a dumpster.

9. Share a friendly greeting. I often ask camera-snapping tourists if they’d like me to take their photo to include the photographer. Most visitors are thrilled, but not if I order someone to get into the picture and he doesn’t know those people.

10.  If you see a celebrity, leave him alone. One day, I spotted the model, Fabio running down the path with his long hair flowing behind him. Unfortunately, he was wearing a shirt.

During the summer season, we suffer a shortage of rain, but not a shortage of stupid. Someday, I’d love to own a tee shirt with a picture of a big cigarette and the words, “Keep your butt off of my trail.” By the way, everyone stops when a rattlesnake crosses the road. No one cares why he wants to get to the other side. Of course if you sit on a big rock to rest your footsies, you just might find out.

Esther Blumenfeld (there’s a tarantula on my welcome mat)

Umbrage---Take It Or Leave It

There are two secrets to becoming a writer:

 1. Place a chair in front of a computer, spread super glue on the seat of the chair--- and then sit on it.

  2. Get over being easily offended.

Over the years, I have collected enough rejections to paper the inside of a large city bus. Had I been easily offended, I would never have submitted my work elsewhere, nor enjoyed having my articles and books published, and my plays performed. As the saying goes, “No guts, no glory! Cal Taylor, an expert in creativity used to say, “If you get a rejection, wait a year and resubmit. Maybe they will have learned something.” A modicum of talent, extreme stubbornness, and several layers of thick skin are required.

Here are some actual quotes from some of the editors I encountered on my journey as a writer:

 “This is not what I want, but I don’t know what I want.”

“I am the most gifted editor you will ever work for, and I doubt that you will satisfy my high standards.”

“This article is too funny for our readers.”

“We cut the punch line out of your humor column, because we needed the space for a hemorrhoid ad.”

“Your book gave us lots of laughs and we all loved it, but we decided not to publish it.”

And then there was the rejection from a national magazine. The editors inadvertently left their notes to one another in the returned manuscript:

“Myrna, this is extremely funny. It’s a one-pager. I think we can get it for $500. What do you think?” And Myrna replied, “You are right, it’s hilarious, but do we need humor?”

Even a professional is allowed a little scream in one’s own garage.

Recently, I received an e-mail from my friend, Richard Lederer, the well-known linguist and writer of numerous funny books on language. He complimented me on a recent article, but gently pointed out a typographical error. He wrote, “I hope you aren’t offended.” My mother did not raise a fool. Why would I be vexed to have a famous writer edit my work---and do it for free?

However, if he sends me a bill, all bets are off!

Esther Blumenfeld (wishing certain editors an interesting life)