The Foofnagle Newsletter

After reading in great detail about too many things, we decided that the trend in holiday newsletters has gone too far. This year, therefore, we are sending our own version of the mimeographed message to all our “friends.” If you too are fed up with hearing more than you ever wanted to know about your friends and relatives, please feel free to use this one. We guarantee it will remove your name from their mailing list next year.

DEAR-----,Happy holidays to all our friends! Time once more for the Foofnagle Newsletter. And a busy year it’s been, yes indeed! Much to our surprise, Fermin was offered a promotion, and is now the Second Associate Agricultural Coordinator for Fastfood Worm Farms, Inc. He has more responsibilities and just loves everything about the new job. His boss says he is progressing so rapidly we may soon be able to move from our ultra-contemporary, split-level home in suburbia to the inner city, where we can joyfully and enthusiastically renovate an old, dilapidated house into a showplace in just six short years. In his spare time, Fermin has taken up karate, off-loom weaving and songwriting. The music industry here is booming, and we just know Tanya Tucker is going to buy Fermins fantastic country western rock song called, You Don’t Need No Ears to Hear My Beat. Keep your ears to the charts! All the Foofnagle relatives love it. In fact, Cousin Lulu is getting married again for the third time and wants it played when she walks down the aisle.

Our lovely daughter, Flossie is really growing up. This year she’s been on the Honor Roll twice and won first prize in the school Talent Show for playing Jingle Bells on her nose. This resulted in her election as vice-president of the Future Organists of America. Isn’t she wonderful? As for daughter Bootsie, she’s sprung up four inches this year, is out of her training bra, and has six new rubber bands on her braces. She, too, just loves school and twangs a mean harmonica in the high school marching band and yet still finds time for her volunteer work at the Ruby Keeler School for the Unbalanced.

And wait until you hear about little Fermin Junior. He took his first steps on Sept. 14 right after lunch. Yes, and he was only 11 months old. Such a precocious child. Pretty soon he’ll be playing soccer just like his father used to…anyone can see he has the arches of a pro. He really keeps me running, and hates to nap, the cute little tyke. It’s a joy to share their news with you, our dear, dear friends.

We did take one teeny little vacation without them this summer, driving cross-country in our camper Zelda on a lecture tour promoting my new sensitivity training program called PIT-PAT: Pull In Touch, Push Aside Tension. I am so encouraged by the response it drew and I soon hope to be accredited by the National Psychological Facsimile Association. The two-month trip through our vast country was breathtaking. Such vistas! Isn’t America darling?  It was very exhausting, but since we wound up in Toocomecarry, Maine, we spent a glorious week there at the Calvin Coolidge Memorial Sex Clinic. What an uplifting experience!

Well, there’s much more, but my homemade bread is rising (made from wheat grown in our very own naturally fertilized window box), and I’ll have to say, goodbye until next year. May your news be as thrilling as ours.

Hugs and Kisses, Fanny, Fermin, and the three precious Foofnagles.

P.S. By the way, my PIT-PAT seminar is available by correspondence in a 10-part series. Simply mail $79.95 along with a self-addressed envelope to: Fanny Foofnagle, PIT-PAT, at my address. Financing Available. Happy Holidays and a resolute New Year to all!

(Reprinted from Atlanta Magazine and the St. Petersburg Times. By Lynne Alpern and Esther Blumenfeld c 1981 Alpern and Blumenfeld.)