Dollars For Digits

It takes our brains 80 milliseconds to process information. That means we are all living a little bit in the past---probably some of us more than others. So, before my brain turns to mush, I decided to learn something about “Bitcoin,” the digital currency introduced in 2009 by a developer whom nobody knows, because he goes under the pseudonym, ”Satoshi Nakamoto.”

Bitcoin is a peer to peer, math-based digital currency, or for those of you purists, “cryptocurrency.” Peer-to-peer means nerd-to-nerd. These digital coins go person to person via the Internet---an electronic made-up cash system on a computer server.  It allows people to buy all kinds of bad stuff, because it promises anonymity. In 2013 the FBI closed down a server called, ”Silk Road” which specialized in illegal drugs. Stay with me, it gets better. Even my spell-check never heard of bitcoins.

However, since transaction fees are lower than the 2 or 3% imposed by credit card processors, bitcoins are increasingly used as payment for legitimate services or products. Sometimes called, “Blockchain,” a public transaction ledger keeps track of who owns bitcoins, how many transactions are out there, and prevents double spending. People who use their computers to maintain the blockchain are called, “Miners,” but we don’t know who they are. My spell check never heard of blockchain either.

If by now, you want to trade in bitcoin, you will need a virtual wallet---where else would you store invisible tender? Wallets come in apps for mobile devices and computers, hardware devices and paper coins. Paper! Now, that I get! To trade bitcoins you do it on a public key, but a private key address will keep your bitcoins safe---unless your secret code gets out. Then your bitcoins can be cyber-stolen.

Here are some reasons I won’t buy bitcoins:

I’m not a nerd.

I like my greenbacks and transactions to be backed by the U.S. Government, because we have a very big military, with very big guns, that will back up my very hard earned dollars.

I don’t hoard canned goods, or speculate on how many times my neighbor’s dogs will poop on my sidewalk. Why would I hoard bitcoins on the speculation that they will go up in value? Yes, they have, and they have also tanked. There have been large swings in value. One such value collapse happened when people panicked, sold their invisible bitcoins, and froze a trade engine.

Countries with troubled national currencies such as Argentina and Iran have used bitcoins. The People’s Bank of China has recently ordered their banks not to use them as “legal tender.” They can’t breathe without coughing in China, but they know about coughing up money.

There are only 12 million bitcoins, and I think there is a programmed limit to how many will be created. Don’t know who programmed that, because everyone seems to be called by the name, “Anonymous.”

So now you know as much as I do about bitcoin. To sum it up:

Unknown, unaccountable, anonymous people wrote a computer code for imaginary, untraceable currency that exists in cyberspace and Dodos are investing real money in it.

Esther Blumenfeld (“It’s gold for nerds.”) Stephen Colbert