TRICK OR TREAT?

With a tongue-in-cheek disaster preparedness message, Homeland Security recently warned us that, “The Zombies Are Coming!” At first, I thought they meant that Congress was going back into session, but soon realized that they are urging emergency planners to better prepare local communities for calamities. So what’s with the zombies?

Naturally, this piqued my interest in the popularity of ghouls in the 21st Century. In my research, I discovered that teenaged girls find blood sucking vampires and hairy werewolves much sexier than zombies, so I wanted to find out why.

There are three kinds of zombies:
Hollywood zombies who are dead but “re-animated”.
Haitian zombies made that way by magical potions, and
Philosophical zombies, who have a “lack of conscious experience, but are identical to normal people”.

I’ve seen Hollywood zombies on Rodeo Drive, never been to Haiti, but am sure that some of the philosophical ones were in my college classes, because they slept with their eyes open.

From everything I read, I think that teenagers don’t love zombies, because they are “emotionally unavailable.” Besides, their diet consists of human flesh, (which is gross!). They rattle and groan, drag one of their legs behind them, have bad breath, and are covered with rotting skin and pustules. Maybe teens could identify with the pustules part, but the rest is seriously disgusting.

On the other hand, many teenaged girls want to marry a vampire. If you can overlook the “drinking blood” part (no one’s perfect), vampires are handsome; they can seduce any girl on the block; get rid of bullies; never get old (just like Peter Pan) and can party all night.

You could probably take a vampire home to meet your father. He just might prefer a pale guy with long incisors (especially if dad is an orthodontist) to one who staggers around in a muddy suit, grunts and keeps dragging that dang leg around the house.

Then there are werewolves. I guess they appeal to girls who like dogs and are vegetarians, because werewolves don’t eat flesh or drink blood. You could split a pizza with this puppy---unless he decides to kill you for the last slice. Werewolves wear forest colors, howl, bark and hangout---kind of like a Rock Band. They are usually moody teenagers, unlike vampires who look young, but are really 300-year-old guys who enjoy sucking on the necks of young girls. Yuck!

Breaking up with a werewolf is much easier than getting rid of a vampire, because all it takes is a silver bullet.  

Dating a vampire can’t be all that much fun. They can’t go out in the sunlight, so that leaves out hiking, biking, tennis and golf. And, if you want to get rid of this guy you need to carry a stake with you wherever you go, unless you happen to have a bottle of holy water in your back pocket.

Halloween is coming and one of these monsters might ring your chimes. Before you open the door, try to avoid becoming the treat. Give the vampire a chunk of garlic. The werewolf might appreciate a flea collar, and the zombie?  Well, I suggest the name of a good dermatologist. Then slam the door shut!

Esther Blumenfeld: “No place is safe only safer” (Max Brooks, The Zombie Survival Guide).