SLEEP ON IT

The 4th of July is a Federal Holiday that commemorates the Declaration of Independence. To celebrate the occasion, folks enjoy parades, cookouts, athletic events and mattress sales.

After 18 years of good service, I decided it was time to replace my lumpy mattress. I had kept the original paperwork, and thought, “This will be easy. I’ll go to the mattress store and just order the same kind of mattress I had before.”
When I showed the sales lady my old bill of sale, she said, “This was a really good mattress. Unfortunately, the company is no longer in business, but we have many, many, many new brands for you to consider. Our price range goes from $500 to $10,000, but we can order a more expensive mattress if you so choose.”

I responded, “I don’t want to have to replace it again in a year, but I don’t want to drive it out of here either.” She said, “Before we begin. Do you have any sleep problems? What is your night like?” I replied, “I go to bed when it’s dark and get up when it’s light.” “So, you don’t have any body problems,” she surmised. “Well,” I answered. “I’d like to lose 5 pounds, but I don’t think that is mattress related.”

At this point, I think she wearied of our conversation, so she suggested that I try out some of the beds in the store. Eying a snotty nosed kid with his sneakers on one of the mattresses, I said, “I don’t think I want to try that one.”

First, I sprawled out on a Memory Foam mattress. “Unless, it can tell me where I misplaced my earrings, I don’t think this one’s for me,” I told her. “Do they make water mattresses anymore?” I asked. “We don’t carry those,” she replied. “Great,” I said. “Getting seasick is not my idea of a good night’s rest.”

After jumping from bed to bed, I decide that foam is not for me, unless it’s on top of a glass of beer. The “spring forward, drop back” mattress would be too confusing since I live in Arizona and we don’t have Daylight Savings Time. I’d probably be springing and dropping at the wrong time. Also, I was never good with numbers in school, so why would I want a Sleep Number” mattress that would be smarter than I am?

“Does the Temper-Pedic snap at you in the middle of the night?” I asked. The patient sales lady explained that the mattress isn’t angry and it is spelled Tempur-Pedic.

Finally, lying on one of the mattresses, I shouted, “This one is for me!” It was as close a match as I could get to replace my old one. Because it was a July sale, my sales lady took $400 off the listed price, and since she had a special deal on sheets and a super-duper mattress cover, I used the discount to complete the order.

Two days later, two men who must have been hired right out of the circus delivered my mattress. One carried my mattress on his shoulder, and the other one carried my old one out the same way. “You are the strongest men, I have ever met,” I exclaimed. “We do it all day long,” one man replied, “and after work, we go to the gym.”

My new sheets arrived a day later, which was a good thing, because the old sheets didn’t fit and I awakened that morning with the bottom sheet wrapped around my neck. I’ll bet the store doesn’t give a refund for a hanging!

Esther Blumenfeld (The princess should have removed the pea. It would have been cheaper.)