THE FIX IS IN

My voicemail kept telling me “You have a new message, but then immediately said, “You have no new messages on your phone—Beep! Beep! Beep!” I was being gas lighted by my telephone. That’s not entirely true. If my voicemail said, “You have three messages on your phone,” I could listen to two of them, but the mysterious one was never there.

When the phone in my bedroom started beeping at 2 a.m., and then shone a flashing light into my eyes, I shouted, “I’ll talk!  “I’ll talk! Just give me someone to talk to.” It was time to call my Xfinity Provider. In case you don’t know it, when Comcast was told that everyone hated them, they changed their name to Xfinity.

So, I hid my phone in the bathroom at night, and called Xfinity in the morning. After calling three times, I was told by three different technicians in the Philippines that, “You are  a longtime favorite customer and consequently you are eligible for some perks.” I finally told the last technician what he could do with his perks. All I wanted was to get my phone fixed. The other two had only taken an hour each before they referred me to him—“The Expert.”  He futzed around for another hour and finally said, “Someone will have to come to your home to fix the override related issue. I can get someone there tomorrow between l p.m. and 3 p.m. It should only be a five-minute fix, and there will be no charge.”

Since it would only take five minutes, I requested that the local technician come at 1 p.m. so I wouldn’t have to waste my whole day waiting for him. Luckily, the Xfinity Guy arrived at 1 p.m. He played the voicemail and said, “It says, ‘You have a new message. You have no new messages.” I replied, “I know. The technician in the Philippines  said that I have an override related issue. I don’t know what that means, but I hope you do.”

After an hour-and-a-half with my technician talking to another technician on his not so Smart Phone, he said, “I have to leave for another appointment.” Whereupon I said, “The Expert Technician“ in the Philippines said you could fix this in five minutes.  You think it’s the time difference?” He replied, “Don’t worry, I will give you a ticket.” I said, “I don’t want to have to go to court over this.”  He said, “Not that kind of ticket. This will send your problem to the Xfinity Engineers, and they will have your problem fixed within 72 hours.”  “That’s three days,” I replied.  “Why couldn’t my voice mail problem have been sent to them when it started?”  He said, “I don’t know why Xfinity does what it does.  I just work for them, but I had a  very nice visit with you.”

After one more night of hiding my phone in the bathroom, I woke up to a smooth dial tone—no more beeping, no more lights in my eyes, and the little woman hiding in my phone didn’t have to lie to me anymore about a message that wasn’t there.

I don’t know how that Engineer got into my bathroom, but I’m glad he fixed my voicemail.  I just wonder if he used the guest towel when he was finished.

Esther Blumenfeld

ON THE RACK

Question:  “How are you?” Answer:  “Compared to whom?”
(Lynne Hansher)

For  those of you who have a lot on your mind, others have a lot on their plate. By any other name; “burned out, exhausted, undone, unstrung, edgy, tense, aggravated, or knackered,” Yes! even the Brits get—-what we call STRESSED!

So, what do experts tell us to do when we are “coming apart at the seams?” First, the best way to cope with stress is to get a good night’s sleep, which infers that you still have to get up in the morning, and pretend that it’s not Monday. Being overwhelmed at work is a common reason for stress. That’s why Monday is the least favorite day of the week. British comic writer, John Wagner asks, “If every day is a gift, I’d like to know where I can return Mondays?”  Since Monday starts the work week, maybe a name change might help. Maybe people would be less stressed if we re-named Monday and called it Friday. Mondays are like kidney stones, but they do pass.

Medical School Professor, Herbert Benson also advises that taking 10 slow, deep breaths  helps a person to relax.  However, if you’re not into breathing,  physical exercise is recommended, but it is a scientific fact that lifting weights is better for you than lifting several bottles of beer, because in that case the only exercise you get is extending your belly. Also, it is good to stretch out those tense muscles, but throwing out your back won’t ease your tension.

Imagination is a way to relax such as visualizing that you are in your favorite vacation place. I advise, that in your mind, you leave the four teenagers at home.

I guess that mindfulness is different than just relaxing, because mindfulness is recommended to bring you back to the moment—breaking those stressful thoughts. So, if you are a fireman fighting a blaze, in order to feel less burned out—just get mindful— have a cup of tea, and notice the warmth in your hands.

A good brisk walk outside is a method to begin feeling less uneasy, and remember when you say to yourself, “I’ve had it up to here,” that you are a lot shorter than your best friend who is six feet tall, so she’s had it “Up to there,” which is a lot more than here!

My dear mother-in-law countered negative thoughts by telling me, “Dear, don’t tell me when you’ve had an argument with my son, because after you’ve kissed and made up, I will still be angry with him!”

Of course, positive self talk should help get one out of a funk.  Tell yourself, “I can do this!” “I am smart and I have handled bigger problems before!”  Try to keep things in perspective to buffer the stress, and maybe, just maybe you will discover, that it really isn’t worth all of the angst.

My way to combat stress is to ask myself, “Is it worth dying over?” Of course it’s not.  However, it might be worth treating myself to  a bowl of ice cream. It’s a given fact that stress cannot exist in the proximity of ice cream, and it is certainly more delicious than “biting someone’s head off.” And, Oh, Yes, Don’t worry about the calories, that’s stress for another day.


Esther Blumenfeld

LULABY AND GOOD NIGHT

My husband, Warren was convinced that his graduate students were all narcoleptics who could sleep through class with their eyes open. Ironically, “World Sleep Day 2022” is on March 18th which would have been his 88th birthday.

World Sleep Day is an annual event, celebrating sleep, held the Friday before the spring equinox of each year. It is hosted by the World Sleep Society (WSS) a nonprofit based in the United States. The slogan for 2022 is, “Quality Sleep, Sound Mind, Happy World.” The organizers must have been asleep when they came up with that slogan.  I like the “Quality Sleep” part, but when listening to some of our politicians where in the heck did they come up with “Sound Mind?”  And, “Happy World?” That takes a sound mind.

Of course, sleep can be a relaxing activity unless you are like my friend who called to tell me that she had just woken up and is exhausted, because in her dream she was cooking all night.
“I was chopping, grating, slicing and peeling all night, but the worst part is that I had to throw away an egg! I can’t talk anymore I’m going back to bed.”

Some people have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, and others find it difficult to get up early in the morning. I’m pretty good at the getting up part, but unfortunately I wake up with a new hairstyle every morning. I guess that I toss, turn and stand on my head a lot. Also,  my requirement is  that I sleep in a pitch black room. Other people like ankle lights that lead them to the bathroom. The only time I have trouble falling asleep is when I suffer from magnified thoughts such as, “What are the names of all of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence?”

 Sleep uninterrupted can be a rare thing. As Anthony Burgess said, “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.”  I have often thought that the FBI could get a criminal to talk by putting an adorable, tiny baby with big lungs next to his cell at 2 a.m. That kid could really play the sleep deprivation game. “I’ll talk.  I’ll talk.” Just make him stop!”

In case you really want to know, “World Sleep Day” is copyrighted with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (serial number 85274932). Maybe you could use those numbers instead of counting sheep.

When I told a friend “I sleep really well. ”He said, “That’s because you don’t have a guilty conscience.”  I replied, “Or, perhaps it’s because I have no conscience at all.”

Sleep on it!

Esther Blumenfeld

WHAT JUSTIFICATION?

After my last article, “Deliver Me” several readers asked, “Did your complaints about late newspaper delivery bring any results.” One reader e-mailed, “You think you’ve got it bad, my mail arrived at 7:30 p.m.” Obviously, it’s a conspiracy!

Yes, I did get results.  Today the newspapers arrived almost on time, but I didn’t get one, because they were 4 papers short. I did try one more call to the Philippines Complaint Department, and was told that the delivery person has two routes and no help. So, I responded, “Then the solution would be that all of the people in my building should cancel their subscriptions. That would certainly make her job easier.” Sorry, no more wiggle room.

Nowadays, it seems as if we are surrounded by excuses. When visiting with a friend, I said, “I don’t know what this world is coming to.” A voice behind me shouted, “Can I help you?” I jumped and yelled, “What the Hell!” Turning around I saw Alexa who said, “I can’t find a song called, “What The Hell.” So, a robot tried to put on a good face even though it doesn’t have one.

Another case in point: I understand the excuse that prices have gone up, because as the pandemic waned the demand for goods is  bigger than the supplies produced. However, I never hear the justification that some goods have gone up because of an over-supply of greed.

It’s a given that excuses aren’t necessary when the truth is told. It’s ironic that most people can accept, “Sorry, I already have plans,” rather than, “I’m coming down with something,” which will turn into a bad case of the guilt when you are caught out and about— healthy as a horse, and you have to explain your miracle recovery. The unvarnished truth is unquestionable. It is just the truth. However, there are excuses everywhere.

Jonathon Swift said, “An excuse is more terrible than a lie because an excuse is a lie guarded.” Back in the 15th Century, in order to consolidate power, Vlad the Impaler invited hundreds of guests to a banquet. Knowing that his authority would be challenged, he had his guests stabbed and impaled. By the time this brutal fellow was done he had killed 80,000 people.

Now in 2022 we are experiencing a cruel Vlad the Invader who wants to travel back in time and get his empire back. Because his reasons are cloaked in lies, his excuses for invasion are not believed by the whole world, and he is trying to keep the truth from the Russian population.
So, Vlad, stop mucking about with your cock and bull stories.  Just tell us that you are hungry, and you want to put  another country into your lunch box, because being good for your word is what shows people who you truly are.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, like Steven Wright, I am afraid that “I am a peripheral visionary. I can see the future, but only way off to the side.” and, “Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”

Esther  Blumenfeld

DELIVER ME

I finally have had enough! For the last several months the new newspaper delivery person has decided that the morning paper should be delivered in a different time zone. Her “service” has been so bad that she didn’t even dare to put a tip envelope, with Holiday good wishes, in the December newspaper. I’m sure she didn’t want anyone to know where she lives.

Delivery to my Senior Residence is easy. All this person has to do is to get out of her car and dump the papers into a wheeled cart at the lobby entrance. Years ago, the little boy on his bicycle had a much more difficult time. He had to pedal and throw from house to house. Here the Concierge delivers papers to our apartments.

As a former journalist, I am painfully aware that print newspapers may become a thing of the past, but I also know the value of supporting a local paper.  Yes, I know that I can read the news on my computer (as I do with the Washington Post) but I want to read The Arizona Daily Star with my morning coffee.  Losing subscribers may mean losing local news since the paper is already printed and delivered from Phoenix.  And, NO, it is not the fault of the truck drivers, because the problems only began with the time challenged new “delivery” person.

After getting no response  to my complaints from a phone robot or by computer, I decided to trick the robot in order to get a real person. Consequently, when the robot asked “How many days did you not receive your paper?”  I responded, “600.” At that, the robot paused and said, “I will transfer you to a customer service representative.”

A little night music and and then, “Lo and Behold”, I heard an actual man’s voice thanking me for being a subscriber since 1994. I think that my subscription is older than he is, but he was most sympathetic as I relayed my sad story, and added, “There are at least 50 or more subscribers in the building, and you might not want to lose them.”  When he suggested that I read the paper on my computer I responded, “Old folks like print papers, and I have noticed that my young friends who read their papers on the computer often miss something, because they ask, ‘Where did you read that?’ It’s called skimming. There is still something to the value of print.”

Finally, the young man said, “I have forwarded your complaint and the issue should be resolved.” I asked him, “Where are you located?”  He said, “The Philippines.” I said, “Then you aren’t anywhere near Arizona.” I’m not sure he knows where Arizona is on the map.  Of course, I’m not sure that many Arizonans know where Arizona is on the map.

Finally, I thanked him and said, “If the paper is still delivered late, I will come to the Philippines and get you.” He didn’t seem worried. After a week of no improvement, I now understand why the Arizona Star Newspaper Complaint Department is in the Philippines. However, there is some comfort knowing that my newspaper subscription is a little bit cheaper than a year’s worth of toilet paper.

Esther Blumenfeld