HOLD YOUR BREATH

At some point in life a person has to decide whether you want something more than you are afraid of it.

After two years, due to pandemic safety concerns,  I had only seen my son, Josh and my daughter-in-law, Barbara on my computer screen. Now, reassured, because I was fully vaccinated and boosted, I reasoned and evaluated that as Seneca said; “If we let things terrify us, life will not be worth living.” Consequently, I purchased a First Class airline ticket for January 6, 2022 to fly to Washington, D.C. Yes, that date.

Since I had to change planes in Dallas, Texas all of my friends urged me to order wheelchairs in order to get through the airport terminals with the least of hassles. They were right!  Looking,  like the man in the iron mask, while everyone else disrobed and stood in line at Security, I was asked; “Do you have any metal on your body?” I said, “Not that I know of.” “How old are you? You don’t look that old.  Oh, yes, I see your birthdate on your drivers license. Lower your iron mask so I can see your whole face.” That did it!  “You are good to go.”

When I gave my wheelchair pushers a hefty tip before we got started, I found out that they all had driven in the Indy-500, and I got to my gates without having to change a tire. However, I do admit that I did make a pit stop in every airport.

At first I was outside my comfort zone, but then I noticed that everyone in the terminals and on the planes wore masks (not under their noses or chins).  It was then that I realized, “I am safer here than the folks are at Walmart at home.” Announcements were made about masks and threats were real.  “If you don’t cover-up, you may be permanently tossed out.”  If that happened on a plane, it would really be permanent.

As I boarded the plane, I said “Hello” to the woman sitting next to me. I figured that would be the extent of our conversation since I had brought a good book along. She told me that her husband was sitting a few rows back of her.  I said, “Oh, it’s too bad that you aren’t sitting together.” She replied, “That’s okay, I slept with him last night.” I opened my book.

As I sat in my comfortable seat on the plane, I felt a bit chagrined, because compared to the hardships faced by the pioneers as they headed West, my biggest challenge was to decide what I wanted for lunch. My planes all took off and landed on time and I had no cancellation. If the pioneers had a cancellation it meant a wagon had fallen off a cliff, and I didn’t have to traverse a raging river driving a pack of oxen.

Yes, I had missed the big snowstorm in Washington, but in blizzard conditions I didn’t have to eat my fellow passengers—nor did I have to ward off scurvy, yellow fever, dysentery, typhoid fever or cholera.

Being able to embrace Josh and Barbara after two years of separation meant everything to me, and I learned that fear is temporary, but regret would have been forever.

Esther Blumenfeld

SIDE EFFECTS

“Some things are not probable, but everything is possible.”

That’s why there are disclaimers on almost everything in life. I think the reason is so you won’t have the opportunity to sue someone if you weren’t paying attention.  For instance, this morning, I woke up, turned on my TV and saw an ad where a guy in a wet suit was shaving his face with a battery driven razor— while he was submerged in water. I don’t know why any swimmer would be inclined to do such a thing, but the small print under the ad ran past me very fast. I think it probably said, “Don’t try this if you can’t swim.”

Unfortunately, there are no instructions for the unforeseen, but when there are instructions on the highway that read, “Watch for deer,” you probably don’t have a lawsuit if you hit a moose.
Whatever product you use—whether it’s medication or cat food you might have missed.—“Not for human consumption.” And, if you misplaced your magnifying glass you probably didn’t see,“If the cat throws up, he didn’t like it very much either.”

Sometimes it seems as if there can be side effects for everything including marriage. That’s why you can go to the offices of Schmuck and Putz for a cheap prenuptial agreement which lists all of the bad side effects that can occur during your get together.

There are warnings all around us:  “We sell the best flooring in the business!” Then the small print:  “Avoid walking on this floor with shoes.”

“Recycle plastic here” (but not plastic bags)” “Recycle paper here” (but not the editorials).

“Do not refrigerate.” “Refrigerate after opening.”

“Gleam Toothpaste will whiten your teeth.” (If you are allergic to the stuff in Gleam, your teeth will fall out).

“Push down and turn top.” (If you pull where you should have pushed you will end up with an unopened bottle.)

“Enter!” “Do not Enter!”

“Stop Your Cough” will stop your cough, (side effects “May turn your toes purple, unless you get the orange flavor.”).

“All employees must wash hands. Wave hands under toweling paper dispenser even if it is empty.” (The breeze will dry your hands.)

“This promotional offer is valid.” (except when it’s not.)

“This product will give you Peace of Mind.” (unless you haven’t got one.)
 
    WARNING!  In life, don’t let the fine print cloud your good judgement.

Esther Blumenfeld

EXPLODING PILLOWS

Since it’s party time, and so many of you enjoyed my horseback adventure on a ranch in Uruguay, I thought I’d share with you the best outdoor party I have ever attended. It was held in a place called Punta Tombo in Patagonia, Argentina at the Southern most tip of South America.

All of the males and females at the party wore tuxedos except for me. My son, Josh said, “Mom, you are not wearing a raincoat to that party!” and he sent me a warm Gore-Tex jacket.
As I walked up the steep hill toward the get-together, I heard what I thought was the braying of donkeys, but soon discovered that it was the welcoming sound made by thousands of Magellanic molting Penguins. I don’t know what they sound like after they replace their feathers, but since they were not yet waterproof, they had to stay on land for 2 to 3 weeks more, and I was privileged to walk among them.

I was lucky because it was near the end of the “catastrophic molt” and their appearance didn’t look like “exploding pillows” or “sweaters with holes in them.” These Penguins  had no fear of humans, so although I was forbidden to touch them, they’d run around and over my feet, and waddling along they had the right of way. One little fellow looked up at me and I think he said, “I’ll never be as tall as a Giraffe, but I’m a lot cuter, and I can shoot poop 3 feet up into the air to keep my nest clean.” You don’t see that in the movie HAPPY FEET.

“Walk like a Duck, quack like a Duck—you are a Duck” Waddle like a Penguin, blow salt out of your nose like a Penguin—you just might be a Penguin. Unlike some humans, Penguins mate for life. They reconnect with the same partner at the same burrow every year. The females recognize their mates by their calls such as, “Over here Ferdinanda.” I assume that some Penguins are named after the explorer Ferdinand Magellan who spotted them in 1520.

Looking down at the sea, I saw thousands of Penguins, on the vast beach, oiling their new feathers, as they prepared to return to the ocean to hunt for their dinner after a long fast. They eat krill, squid and yummy fish. Once the breeding season is over Magellanic Penguins go North to vacation in the waters of Peru and maybe the topless beaches of Brazil. It is a vacation after all!  And then, they return to Patagonia to breed, change into new tuxedos and carry on into March, when the chicks are mature enough to leave the colonies.

When I left the party, I reluctantly  said goodbye to my charming little hosts, wished them a good trip, and then changed from my adventuresome Gore-Tex Jacket back into my civilized  boring raincoat.

Esther Blumenfeld

HI! HO! SILVER

It was March, 2006, and after leaving Montevideo City, I went to a ranch in Uruguay to experience—“Gaucho Life.” After helping shear a sheep, I enjoyed a traditional barbecue along with several glasses of wine that just kept coming and coming. I thought my adventure was over until two friends challenged me to go horseback riding. I hadn’t been on a horse since I was a very little girl (and I think that was a pony) but thought, “Maybe it’s like riding a bicycle. It will all come back to me,” but first I had to sign a release; “Horse riding at your own risk.” How hard could it be?

I climbed to the top of a wooden platform, and looked into the wild eyes of a very, very big horse who snorted at me when I mounted him—with the help of two Gauchos—one to hold the horse and one to flip me onto the horse’s back. It was then that I discovered two things: The thick saddle was made of sheep’s wool (probably revenge from the sheep I had just sheared) and the cinch was loose.

Before I could reveal my predicament, the Gaucho stepped back and slapped my horse on his rump.  At that, I shouted, “No Rapido!” Obviously, the cowboy hadn’t heard the “No” part and a whip snapped over my head.  I think he was aiming for the horse and not me, but at that I also realized that the horse didn’t speak English, because, when I shouted “Whoa,” he put his ears back and the race began.  I clung on for dear life as I swayed back and forth mounted on the thick, very loose saddle.  I was afraid I’d slip under the horse and end up looking at his belly. At that I shouted, “Remember what happened to Trigger!”  It didn’t help.

Finally, recognizing my plight the Gaucho rode up beside me, grabbed ahold of the reins, slowed down the horse and led us back to the platform— where I didn’t fall off but dismounted not to gracefully. The horse snorted in Spanish, “She’s got no horse sense.”

As William Shakespeare would have said, “May not an ass know when the cart draws the horse? That’s what the Fool said in KING LEAR. It means that a person does not have to be intelligent to understand basic facts such as: Don’t get on a Spanish speaking horse who wears a thick, loose saddle, and when you mount—stay mounted!

W.C Fields said, “Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”One day, my friend Lynn asked me, “Does a cart come before the horse or the horse before the cart?” Well, putting the cart before the horse is confusing, and it means you are doing things in the wrong order, and things can get out of hand.  Something like, “Your barn door is open.” In other words, zip up your pants before the horses get out.

Sometimes you can tell the age of a woman by how many botox shots she’s had in her forehead. Age in a horse comes straight from the horse’s mouth. You can tell if he is “long in the tooth.” As a horse gets older his teeth get longer. So, at Christmas gift time, you should never “look a gift horse in the mouth,” because you will seem very ungrateful when someone has given you a recycled gift you’ve given her last Christmas.

Some people have “horse sense,” and are smart and practical.  However, I have it “straight from the horse’s mouth,” that as we approach 2022, it’s a good idea to “hold your horses,” slow down, and sit tall in a saddle that fits. Be sure the cinch is tight, and ride as steadily and hopefully as possible into the New Year.

Esther Blumenfeld

UNEXPECTED QUESTIONS

A few weeks ago, I was invited to give a humorous talk about my 50-year career as a journalist, author,  teacher  and playwright, and I tried to cover it in about 40 minutes. After the talk, I was prepared to answer questions about the topic, until someone threw me the unexpected, “ Who’s your favorite author?”

Immediately, I wanted to say, “Who cares?” but all I could think of was Frances Hodgson Burnett who wrote the children’s book, THE SECRET GARDEN. Next time that happens, I will be prepared to answer, “Moses! He had a very good editor.” Sometimes unexpected questions can throw you for a loop.

Living in a Senior Residence I have learned that you should never ask someone, “How are you?” because they just might tell you. When someone asks me that question, I always say, “I am doing just fine.” However, recently when I developed a dry cough, “of unknown origin,” I told someone that after taking cough suppressant I was feeling much better. At that, a man who overheard our conversation bragged, “I had one of those (if it was of “unknown origin” how did he know?) “and my doctor gave me 3 pills, and I was cured in 3 days.”  I looked at him and said, “That’s great, but those 3 pills turned your hair white.”  

My computer asks me all kinds of questions such as; “Wouldn’t you prefer to get this information on your computer rather than by mail?” My answer is always, “NO!” because I love it when people think enough of me to send a letter. Computers are supposed to save paper. Not with me they don’t. I like printed evidence in case I am ever questioned by the FBI.

When someone asks an inappropriate question it has been suggested to say, “Why are you asking?” I don’t like that answer, because it calls for an explanation—then what?
“Mind your own business” is rather rude and not effective, because some people are convinced that your  business IS their business.

The question that annoys me the most is “How much money did you earn from your plays and books?” For some reason, people think that’s an okay question to ask a writer. I used to say, “Enough.” But, now I answer, “A lot!” Then, when someone says, “How much is “A lot?” I can answer,“More than enough.”

If you called your attorney and asked her, “How much did you earn this year?” She would charge you a billable hour for the call, and maybe sue you for invasion of privacy.

Some of my favorite questions and answers are:  

“What are you doing?” “I’m in the middle of writing a story.” “Oh,Good. then I haven’t interrupted anything important.”   AND—-

When the lady upstairs sees an ambulance outside, she will call and say, “Just to let you know, it isn’t us. Who is it?” “Well, good to know it isn’t you, Dear Lady.”

With me you can ask, but you won’t always receive.”

Esther Blumenfeld