SIS-BOOM-BAH

When playing outside with his ten-year-old sister, my seven-year-old friend, Andy said, “You are very forgetful. I diagnose you with Onomatopoeia!“ Whereupon, his sister, Julia probably should have replied, “Buzz Off!” Then there was a tick-tock from the outdoor clock, and they knew it was time to go inside for their cereal that was snap, crackling and popping in the kitchen.

Perhaps you can use Andy’s diagnosis with the following true story.
 
Many years ago, I was all a twitter being a  freshman at the University of Michigan.
Unfortunately, when I came home for a visit, I managed to bring some brand new riff-raff language with me. After blurting out one of these cock-a-doodle-doo words, my Father said, “Tsk-Tsk, Dear, do you know that English is a robust language. Surely, you can find a word better than that.” A bell went off in my head, and I felt like a complete ding-dong.

My Mom then asked me if I would like to take their brand new car for a run on the highway, and
drive them to visit friends who lived in another town. The car looked shiny new, but it had a Chitty- Chitty-Bang-Bang engine. I started the car with a big Vroom!

The trip was uneventful until I got to the city limits, and put on the brakes which squealed like the sound of a Wolverines claws being extended “Snikt!” I almost hit a telephone pole.  Phew!
“What are you doing?” asked Dad from the back seat?  I pulled out the unattached rod and steering wheel and handed it to him. We had almost experienced a big Kaboom. I thought that maybe Mom had fainted, because there was not a boo-hoo, a peep nor a squeal out of her. But finally I heard a distinct “Phew.”

A mechanic finally arrived, and picked up the the car to take it to his shop for a steering wheel re-attachment. When asked when the car would be ready to drive he replied with a yawn and a mmm. Dad explained to him that the car had gone “zip when it moved and bop when it stopped.” (Tom Paxton quote).

Our hostess picked us up, but she greeted us with a sniff and achoo having developed an allergy from raking rustling leaves. It began to rain—first a drop, then a drizzle, and lot of plops and finally quite a gush.

When we arrived at her house, we were greeted with a growl, a bow-wow and an arf. The growl came from her husband. Other than slurping his soup and an occasional burp, he was quite a hoot, and the chatter produced a few giggles.

Finally, the ho-hum mechanic delivered the car and assured us that the steering wheel was now attached, as he walloped my Father with a whopping big bill.

We returned home safely.  It had been a “Rattle and Hum” (U 2) visit, but all’s well that ends well with a healthy clickety-clack.

Esther Blumenfeld

STAR SAILORS

In 1986, congressman Bill Nelson spent six days orbiting the earth aboard the space  shuttle Colombia. Today, he is the new head of NASA, but he still doesn’t consider himself an astronaut.  He recently said, “I reserve that term for my professional colleagues.”

Not so much for the super rich who pay $55million for a passenger seat into space. You betcha’ they call themselves astronauts. They figure if they can buy a seat, they can buy a title. With that kind of money, they could buy every ticket in a football stadium, the stadium itself and the team. However, even if they buy a team there is no guarantee that they will buy a winner—nor have they earned the title, “Coach.”

For $55million the super rich could live on a cruise ship for 124 years, but they couldn’t buy the longevity, and even if they took the title, “Captain,” they’d still have to know how to navigate the Panama Canal.

It seems to reason that for $55million an affluent person could buy at least 50 senators and a handful of  congressional representatives. Unfortunately, senators always come at a higher price, but even if you’d call yourself, “President” it doesn’t make it so.

Just think that for $55million a super rich-nick could star in his own film, give himself an academy award, and call himself, “Mr. Right Stuff,” and then there’s the bargain that for $500,000 he could buy a top of the line Lamborghini, and for that kind of money not even be required to spell it right.

In Greek mythology Icarus, the flyer had wings made of feathers and wax that melted when he flew too close to the sun. The moral of that tale is that ambition can lead to unexpected consequences.  

More than 12,000 people have applied for NASA’S upcoming class of astronauts and 12 will be chosen in December. They are training for the job and some will fly into space with specific assignments. The difference is that they will be assigned to fly whereas very rich passengers are really just along for the ride.

Extinguishing a campfire does not make that person a fireman.
Removing a splinter from a child’s finger does not make that person a surgeon.
And, singing in the shower does not make anyone a rock star.

It takes 1 1/2 hours to orbit the earth. It takes less than 5 minutes to write a check. In Australia a quality hit man only costs $45,000. What a bargain! And, you don’t even have to go along for the ride.

“I figured it out. I figured it out.  I figured it out.  
With a pencil and a pad I figured it out.
7 1/2 cents doesn’t buy a heck of a lot,
7 1/2 cents doesn’t mean a thing,
But give it to me every hour, Forty hours every week,
And that’s enough for me to be living like a king.”

(THE PAJAMA GAME, Richard Adler, Jerry Ross)

Esther Blumenfeld

MOVIN' ON

Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco. I recently met a woman whose husband left his appendix in Pakistan.

In our lifetime, all of us have left something behind. That’s inevitable as we move forward. When I moved into a brand new senior residence (built across the street from my home) I knew I’d have to divest myself of stuff—lots and lots of stuff! My son, Josh came and picked out items that he and my dear daughter-in-law, Barbara wanted for their home, and we shipped 25 boxes to Virginia. After he left, I became a once-a-week donor for Big Brothers and Big Sisters. When I called them, the lady on the phone said, “I know you. You’re a regular!”

My house sold in less than 24 hours, and since the new owners loved my 25-year-old furniture, I gave most of it to them. My former neighbors have told me that nothing has changed in the house except for the new owners—but, I have!

Besides having purchased some new furniture, I have also cultivated new friendships. Since most of us moved in before the pandemic, we had three months to get acquainted. We were all newbies in the same boat.  No one wanted to hear someone complain about, “selling my beautiful house.” We all had sold beautiful houses. Of course, some were probably more beautiful than others, but it was an: “Out with the old. In with the new” atmosphere.

Some people had trouble parting with their antique furniture that was too big for their apartments, or they just couldn’t rid themselves of dust catching itty bitty shelf collections, but as a friend reminded me, “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.”

As one gets older, too many friends of long standing are no longer standing.  As painful as that can be, it is important to make room for new people in your heart, because time gets shorter and their stories are worth hearing—as long as memory is intact.  But, first you have to get used to listening to a litany of body part complaints, before hearing about the abundance of adventures experienced by some of these truly remarkable people—what they have lived and what they have survived—and, most of them have not lost their sense of humor about the whole kit and caboodle called life. The reason I am never bored is that I listen!

Here’s a touch of what I have learned so far: One man was an expert in computers before most of us had ever even heard of computers. Another neighbor had been a mid-wife. He pulled out information, and she pulled out babies.

Then there’s the man who shared some of his adventures as a glider pilot. I learned a lot about downdrafts and not getting in the way of eagles. Oh, yes, I can’t forget to tell you that one of my neighbors was a race car driver. When she pulls into a parking place, I always look for a pit crew.

And, then, there’s the captivating woman who plays a less than brilliant, “Happy Birthday” on her ukulele, but can give a concert performance by Chopin on her Baby Grand Piano. She also has fascinating stories about her eight years as an assistant to a famous television celebrity. The only problem is that she talks faster than I can stir batter in a mix master. It’s a New York thing.

My new neighbors and friends include artists, business owners, authors, editors, real estate brokers and dabblers, photographers, physicians, nurses, journalists, social workers, a political lobbyist, professors, attorneys, industrialists,  a professional fund raiser, engineers, teachers, school principals, and I could go on and on. So far, I have not met an acrobat, but sometimes someone tries a balancing act on the sidewalk.

My new residence offers many opportunities to learn new skills and try something you have never done before.  As an extremely amateur artist, I was recently asked by the art teacher to exhibit one of my abstract paintings on the art wall in the lobby. It is hanging next to a beautiful photograph taken by a professional photographer,  who has had much of his work published. When I said to my son (on Face Time) “That is really intimidating, he replied, “Mom, just switch name plates.”

Everyday is an adventure—some more than others.  Tomorrow we will have a fire drill, and when the alarm is sounded we are supposed to go to the nearest exit. I am expecting this to happen when I am in my Yoga class. My only concern is that the folks in Tai Chi won’t get there before the drill is over.

Esther Blumenfeld

PINOCCHIO HAS IT BY A NOSE

“The only people who get mad at you for speaking the truth are those living a lie.”

Attention! Unqualified post election ballot counters in Maricopa County, AZ have brought bamboo eating rats into the Coliseum to sniff if there is bamboo in 40,000 ballots that are suspect as having been brought to Arizona from China. High resolution cameras are supposed to help the rats find traces of all that bamboo.  In the meantime, the rat population has doubled but they have not chewed on any of the ballots.

My favorite game is Team Trivia because it is fact driven and tests memory as well as the ability to reason and ferret out the truth.  Denying the truth does not change the facts. Goebbels, the chief propagandist for Hitler in World War II said that if you repeat a lie long enough people will believe it. However, history has shown us that, “The truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t going away.”

NOW! Here are some statements from me to you. Are they true or false?  Would I lie to you?

Bats turn right when they leave a cave.  FALSE! They always turn left. I don’t know why but they must be flying with the green arrow.

It takes a sloth two weeks to digest his food.  TRUE! That’s easy. Sloths are slow and lazy and don’t have incisors, so it probably takes them at least a week to chew all those leaves and twigs before smacking their lips. They would probably enjoy a cup of coffee.

Australia’s oldest living man (111 years old) claims his longevity is because he eats chicken brains.  TRUE! No twigs and leaves for him before he smacks those lips.

To vaccinate more Americans against Covid-19 officials are offering a give-away of donuts. TRUE! It give Americans the choice of dying from Covid or developing Diabetes.

Apes can’t laugh. FALSE! Apes laugh when they are tickled. That’s why they don’t laugh very much. However, I do know a brilliant scientist who has worked with Apes. Unfortunately, she lost a  bit of a finger, but I am not sure whether she was tickling him at the time.

If an airplane oxygen mask drops down you should sanitize the mask before slapping it on the face of the kid sitting next to you. FALSE! You should wipe the kid’s nose first.

A Neurologist from Mayo Clinic agrees that because of the Pandemic lots of people have forgotten to drive and have to regain their skills. TRUE! That good, Huh? Boy are we in trouble!

Congressman Matt Gaetz admitted that he was “naughty.” TRUE! He should probably be sent to his room without his pacifier for a permanent time out.

The problem with denying the truth is that the facts just don’t change. Man did walk on the moon, and Elvis is still dead! And, Yes, no matter how much I stomp on my scale, it tells me that I still haven’t lost all those pandemic pounds.  The truth may set me free but first it will really tick me off!

Esther Blumenfeld

NOW YOU SEE IT--NOW YOU DON'T!

My ears have become the suitcase of my face. I have to pack behind them the wires of my hearing aids, my glasses and a trusty mask. Of course, when I go hiking I  also have to add the strap of my hat just to provide an additional carry-on.

It took no time at all for my hearing aids to develop an intimate relationship with my glasses, and I suspect they are having an illicit affair with my mask.  Here’s the scoop: After an enjoyable evening with friends I came home to my apartment. I stepped into my well-lit closet, hung up my jacket and tried to remove my mask. The left ear cooperated, but there was an entanglement  between my glasses and the other ear’s hearing aid.  As I removed the mask, the tiny stinker silently dropped to the carpeted floor. I looked down. It had vanished!  How could that be?

That $2,500 (per-ear) midget had made it’s great escape, and was not to be found in that brightly lit closet.  I took out the few suitcases I had lined against the wall. It became obvious that  the hearing aid had not planned a get-away with my suitcases. I looked inside the one pair of shoes I keep on a rubber mat. It became obvious that the hearing aid did not plan a hike anytime soon.  I then removed all of the low hanging jackets, shook them out and laid them on the bed. The lower part of the closet was empty, and the hearing aid was no where to be found.

In desperation, I called down to the Concierge Desk and asked if beautiful eagle-eyed Emalyn could come up and take a look. Flashlight in hand she arrived and searched everywhere, but found nothing. The plot thickened! Finally, I put the suitcases back, and re-hung all of the low hanging jackets. Unlike low hanging fruit it had been slim pickings.

However, trusty Emalyn was not to be deterred. She said, “I’m going to look through all of these jackets.” “But,” I said, “I saw the hearing aid fall onto the floor.” Whereupon, she plucked that teeny-weeny run-away hearing aid out of the rolled up sleeve of a jacket — one that I never really liked. Sheepishly, I said, “It must have bounced.”

Two days later, I went to dinner and saw my new neighbors. They had just moved in the day before, so I went over to introduce myself.  We are allowed to go maskless in the dining room since it’s difficult to eat unless you want to chew on a mask. Consequently, I began to remove my mask. At that, my earring fell onto the floor— followed by my hearing aid. When I crawled out from under their table I said, “You are so lucky that I don’t have a glass eye.”

Esther Blumenfeld