IT'S ALL IN THE LANGUAGE

To begin with, I don’t speak Computer. However, I can manage bits of German and Spanish, and I am able to pray in Hebrew. I thought I was fluent in English until I was confronted with Computerese. I didn’t even know there was such a word!

Consequently, when I was notified that the Squarespace Security System on my website needed to be updated, I tried to contact, “Squarespace Computer Care”, and I was notified that their e-mail was no longer accepted, and that the phone number was no longer in use.  This foreshadowed a rocky future, since I had reached the limit of my expertise, and I realized that I would need help from an expert.  Unfortunately, because of COVID-19 no computer geeks were allowed to enter the premises.

Happily, I was informed that folks in the Community Life Department at my residence could help with computer problems, and that Ami, the beautiful art teacher, was also an expert in computers. She took pity on me, and was able to put me in touch with Squarespace.

April 6: “Thank you for getting in touch. Your site is built on our legacy platform Squarespace 5, so your case will be escalated to that team.” (GOOD!)  “Note: escalated cases can take more time to resolve—no matter how hard you pray even in Hebrew.”  (NOT SO GOOD!)

April 13: Not hearing from the “team” I wrote a letter to the CEO of Squarespace. In desperation, after citing my problem, I added, “In case it helps, my son went to the University of Maryland too.” He never answered my letter. So, I am sure that Mr. CEO graduated at the bottom of his class.

April 15: “Thank you for your patience.”( INHALE. EXHALE.) “I am your specialist, Katey. To add an SSL certificate on your site you need to first update your Domain’s DNS records. However, it looks like your records are mostly updated.” (THANKS TO BEAUTIFUL AMI.)
“But you need to remove the legacy A-record pointing to this value: 65.39.205.54.” (IS SHE KIDDING ME?) “Then once updated, set to ‘High’ which will generate an SSL certificate. However this won’t happen unless your Domain DNS settings are set up.”

“I hope this is helpful.”

April 17: “Thanks again for your patience” (KATEY GO SUCK AN EGG!) I can confirm you have done everything correctly. It should be okay in about 72 hours. Get back in touch so we can double check.”

April 20: Nothing changed. Back to aggravating Katey.

April 21: “Thanks again….After  consulting with our engineering team, it looks as if your Domain, GoDaddy is stopping this from processing. To resolve this, reach out to them to remove the CAA record from your account.  If you are interested you can read more about CAA records here: (I’D RATHER VISIT THE TRUMP PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY.) Get back in touch if you have more follow-up questions.

April 27: At that I found the phone number of GoDaddy, the folks who preserve my website name,  and I contacted some kid hunkering down in his living room in Scottsdale, AZ. I told him my sad story and asked him to; “Please remove the CAA.” He said, “Yep,” “I can do that. It’s done.”

April 29: From Katey:  “Glad it’s working for you. Get back in touch if we can help with anything else. We’re always here to help you.”  
Some help! I haven’t read instructions like that since I read, “Double, Double Toil and Trouble” in Macbeth. Those witches would have been great with computers.

Esther Blumenfeld

GOT THE TIME?

GOT THE TIME?

“Time flies when you’re having fun.” Recently, I have discovered that time flies when you’re not having that much fun.  However, I guess fun is something like, “One man’s junk, is another mans treasure.” It’s what you make of it. No matter how much time we have on our hands, or how much soap we use, or how hard we scrub, it’s impossible to wash time off.

So, what does my day look like in these wear-a-mask-stay-at-home- COVID-19-keep- away-from-people days? I wake up with the birds, pull up the shade and check on the 5:30 a.m. construction crew across the street. Yep, they’re there alright.

Then, I grab a quick cup of coffee, put on my hiking boots, and meet a friend for our 6 a.m. morning walk on the paths around our community. If we are lucky, we will run into some of the wildlife such as deer, javelina, or an occasional rabbit.  If not, we will surely meet some sleepy neighbors being dragged around by their cute little pups.  My joy is that I can pet them (the dogs not the neighbors) and send them on their way without scooping poop.

When the walk is concluded at 7:30 a.m. I ring the bell at the main entrance. The concierge buzzes me in, and hits me on the head with a thermometer. She assures me that I have passed the test, and then I pump some Purell from the disinfecting machine before punching the elevator button with my elbow. I wipe my elbow, enter the apartment and remove my hiking shoes. Now what?  I look for my slippers, which I have misplaced. Misplacing is my new hobby.

By this time, my computer is calling me, but friends phoning from the East Coast take precedence. Sometimes, that 3-hour time difference is a blessing, and  Yes!  Some of my friends still know how to use a telephone. After chatting and checking my e-mails, it’s already 10 a.m. Time for the exercise lady on my television set.  So, I jump around a bit with her. She is waving her arms and kicking her legs in her living room, and she is always cheerful. My favorite part is when her shaggy dog wanders into the room and puts his nose on the camera.

Exercise is over, and I have worked up an appetite for lunch, as well as my morning newspaper. Today, I discover that 1/2 of a hummingbird’s weight is in sugar. That explains a lot, with all of the cookies I have been eating. There must be a hummingbird in my ancestry. I have learned one new thing today. That is enough!

Lunch is over. I look outside to see how much the construction crew has accomplished. The mail has arrived. I put on my mask and ride the elevator back down to the mailroom, take my mail out of my assigned box, take it upstairs and throw it away.  Now it’s time to turn on the Television News. Now it’s time to turn off Television news! Time for soft music instead. However, now my TV remote isn’t working, because I tried to change channels with my  telephone.

Okay, now I have soft music and a website story to write, but first I have to start the laundry, empty the dishwasher, and trim my bangs. Now, it’s time to start writing the story. Hooray!  My son and daughter-in-law are calling me from Fairfax, Virginia. Time for Face Time!  We chat and laugh. After I hang up, the doorbell rings. Dinner has been dropped at my front door.
Dr. Zhivago is on my TV. He is the one from Russia not the CDC. Well, that’s 3 hours of fun for me. However, poor Dr. Zhivago had no fun at all.

I guess my website story will have to wait. After all, as Scarlett, O’Hara would say, “Tomorrow is another day.”

Esther Blumenfeld

LIGHTS OUT

Black-out shades have been installed in my bedrooms, and I am thrilled that the fancy lights hanging in the trees, shining up into my apartment, will no longer keep me awake at night.

My son and daughter-in-law have a beautiful forest, that acts like a backyard, at their home in Virginia. As far as I know, none of these majestic trees are growing lights. Even Architectural Digest Magazine has denounced the practice of lit-up trees. They go so far as to say that lighting your trees won’t boost the sale of your house, and I might add that nocturnal animals don’t like their sleep disturbed anymore than I do.

Darkening my room solved the problem, but there are many people who have trouble sleeping.
An article by Erica Pearson in the Minneapolis Star Tribune deals with, “Ways To Help You Sleep.” Since I was a little girl, I have always been aware of “The Power Nap.” My Father often had evening meetings, so he would take a lie-down everyday for about 20 minutes.Then he’d come out for a cup of coffee and a slice of cake, and resume his busy schedule. For a  long time, I enjoyed the coffee and cake part, but only recently, I, too, sometimes take a little snooze in the afternoon, so I can stay up until 10 p.m. like the big kids do.

According to the article, in some businesses  power napping  has become an amenity on the job in order to”boost productivity.” I’m not sure I’d enjoy going to an  office and having to wake everybody up. However, I have been doing this in department stores for years. Lots of those clerks resent my being there in the first place. As a matter of fact, I have often gone into a store, looked around, and shouted, “Is anyone here?” only to listen to the echo of my own voice. No one ever told me they were napping to “boost productivity.”

Dr. Michael Howard, a sleep medicine doctor says, “Humans are natural nappers.” He adds, “Napping takes practice.” I guess it’s like playing the piano. I tried to play the piano, and my Mother used to say, “Esther, haven’t you practiced enough?” Only after three teachers did they find out it was me. So how does someone practice napping?  Closing your eyes is a good start.

Meditation is also recommended. A person should practice breathing. In the article it says that, “Breathing is very important if you want to get to the next step.”  I would add that  breathing is also very important if you ever want to wake up. This is also called, “mindfulness.”

The next step is to take inventory of your body parts. I really don’t understand this, but I do know that if they are all there I would sleep better.

The next suggestion is that you focus on something such as a spider crawling up your window. This leads to the final step, “Show compassion, and loving kindness.” Killing the spider does not accomplish that step.

Sarah Moe, a sleep healing specialist suggests, “ Say, three things aloud that you want to accomplish tomorrow as well as three things that you are grateful for.” This should help you sleep. For instance:

I want to remember where I parked the car.
I want to go to my accountant and have him tell me that I don’t owe the government any money.
I want my umbrella to open when it rains tomorrow.



Gratitude:

I am grateful that I am in bed and not outside in the rain, since my umbrella won’t open.
I am grateful that my accountant isn’t in jail anymore.
I am grateful that my son parked my car for me—even though he forgot to tell me where it is parked.

So now, some of your worries should be relieved, and the gratitude should have relaxed you. At the end of the article  it says that if you still can’t fall asleep,“It’s okay to whisper.” I guess that means..Do not disturb anyone else.

Shh!

Esther Blumenfeld

WHO'S THAT MASKED MAN?

In his play, “Six Degrees of Separation,” John Guare tells us that everyone in the world, is, in some way, touched by everyone else, and all people are six social connections from each
other—- friend of a friend. Also, T.S. Elliott reminded us years ago, to, “Prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet.”

However, in these COVID-19 days, since everyone is masked, we only have to prepare the upper half, and since my bangs are hanging over my eyebrows, a drop of artificial tears in each eye is the extent of my preparation.

Six degrees of separation has become literal rather that literary, and reading facial expressions is impossible. Pity the poor bank tellers, when a masked man, wearing rubber gloves, approaches them and mumbles something about money.

Granted, that in the good old days, sometimes it was really hard to communicate with some people, especially if what they were saying made no sense at all, but at least you could see if their lips were moving. Now, when the mask goes on, you have no idea if the other person is smiling, and half the time what they are saying is muffled, since they are whispering from six feet away. In that case it’s good to assume that you have missed nothing at all.

If this pandemic had happened in 1503, Leonardo da Vinci would have gone nuts! It took him 16 years, nearly until his death, to finally capture Mona Lisa’s smile. When you look at that smile, you ask yourself,”What is she thinking?” His model, Lisa del Giocondo was  probably thinking, “Hey, Leo, Why is it taking you so long?” But, that’s another story.

In 2020, we have to accept that “Losing Face” has taken on a whole new meaning. I guess for awhile now the eyes have it—-a friendly wink will have to suffice.  However, if you see someone’s eyes crossed, the mask might just be a modicum too tight. In that case, I advise, LOOSEN UP!  This too will pass.

Esther Blumenfeld

STAY AWAY

When you come right down to it, all of this social distancing isn’t really such a bad thing.  As a matter of fact, with a few folks, six feet away from me isn’t nearly far enough. For instance, a former neighbor, who, after downing several martinis, would always say to me, “You never let me hug you,” and I would always reply to him, “You are absolutely right.”
Usually, I like being with people, but New Yorking my way through a crowd is not my idea of fun, although recently, my elbow has become my new best friend.

I live in a senior residence and my neighbors and I have been asked to “shelter in place.” That means no leaving the premises other than for doctor appointments. Groceries are delivered, meals are ordered by phone and are left at apartment doors, and all activities have been transferred to our television screens. As a matter of fact, I just finished doing Yoga in my living room. This afternoon, I will watch a movie and tonight a Broadway musical. So what’s with the elbow?

Every morning I take the elevator to the main floor, so I can leave for my daily walk around the property. Three times around is about 2 miles. In order to push the elevator button, I use my elbow, and then I elbow swipe the door exit button. Then I  get some foam from the Purell machine, and wipe off my elbow. Exit means you can get out any door, but you can’t get back in since all codes have been disabled. There is only one main entrance where I yell into a microphone, “I am here.” Then I am let into the front  entrance, and someone from the concierge desk meets me, and hits me on the forehead with a thermometer. So far, I have not used my elbow in retaliation.

Outdoor walks are my salvation because the weather is nice, the property is beautiful, and I assume that my neighbors who shout at me from their balconies are shouting nice things. Occasionally, I meet another walking neighbor, and we kind of chat from a distance. At least I can get close enough to pet their dogs.

These days, my television set is my second best friend. Yesterday, I watched a cooking competition from England, and a documentary called “Bathtubs Over Broadway.” It’s about Industrial Musicals made for sales meetings in the 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s. By the time I turned off the set, I could have flown to Washington, DC with a stop-over in Dallas.

It has been five weeks and three bottles of wine so far.  I am doing great! I am remaining positive and hopeful that soon brilliant minds out there (not in Washington, DC) will find a solution for this terrible pandemic. I have called everyone in my rolodex and most of them knew who I am. I pray that soon I will be able to stand a little closer to my friends, and that the airlines will be required to remove their middle seats.

Esther Blumenfeld