HERE AND THERE*

An article in the Chicago Tribune, “The Skill of Sympathy,” by Judith Weinstein, offered “tips for saying the right things to a grieving person.” As I see it, the problem with sympathy is that in the place of consolation lots of well meaning blabber mouths manage to say just the wrong thing.

Her article brought to mind my play, HERE AND THERE that appeared at the  Detroit Repertory Theatre from November 6 to December 28, 2003. Loss is universal, and mine happened in 1998 when my husband, Warren died. After that, I thought I’d never write again, until someone said,”You do widowhood so well, you should write another book.” I couldn’t do that, but I figured that I could enter into a duel with grief by writing a humorous play about death based on my truth.

HERE AND THERE has six characters: A grieving wife named Becca, a son named Josh, two friends Sherlyn and Teddy, and Aaron—the deceased husband with whom they all converse in order to get from“There to “Here.” Among the stupid things that people say, I added this true interchange: “A month after Aaron died, a woman approached me in the produce department at the grocery store. Waving a stalk of broccoli in my face, she said, ‘That certainly was a beautiful obituary in the newspaper, but it didn’t tell what your husband
died of. ‘I looked her right in the eye, and I said—-‘I shot him!’”

The play begins with Becca: “For the past year, I’ve become more aware of things that aggravate me. Yesterday, I arrived at a florists shop, it’s locked and there’s a sign on the door, ‘Back in five minutes.’  On July 1, 1998, I put a sign on my husband’s chair, ‘Back in five minutes.’ On July 1, 1999, I threw away the sign. It was a year since he died. I got the message. I guess he’s not coming back. The aggravating thing about dying is that it’s so damn permanent.”’ In the Tribune article, a clinical psychologist advises that a bereavement group might be helpful to talk things out.

I won’t quote the dialogue in the play (based on my one time experience) that Becca tells her friends about the  support group she attended, but I will tell you about one of the attendees named Fred, who had been attending the group for two years since his wife, Bertha died.  They used to love camping, so he had a “mission.” He was determined to “scatter her ashes on at least one campsite in every State in the Union,” which proves that truth really is funnier than fiction.

Teddy’s reaction in the play is: “That’s got to have been one big Bertha,” and Becca says: “And he’s polluting the whole Country with her.” The grief group wasn’t much help other than good material for the play. I did however, go home, run up and down the street flying a kite. The neighbors all locked their doors.

When someone dies, not only family members have to deal with the loss, but death also affects friends. However, it is normal to feel terrible for the spouse who has been left behind, along with a sense of relief that it didn’t happen to you—just like viewing an automobile accident on the highway. I dealt with this phenomena in the play when Becca gets a call from her friend Sherlyn that Teddy has been taken to the hospital with a suspected heart attack. I wrote a conversation between Teddy (who is in a hospital gown) and his best friend Aaron (who has died).

Here is just a bit of that conversation:  Teddy: “I’m feeling anxious. I think I’m going to die.”
Aaron: “The most exercise you ever got was jumping to conclusions.” Teddy: “I miss you, pal. I wish we had spent more time together.” Aaron: I never saw a headstone that said, “I wish I’d spent more time with nincompoops.” Teddy: “I’ve never been very religious. Do you think I should start praying or something?” Aaron: “Go ahead if it makes you feel better.” Teddy: “All I can remember is my Bar Mitzvah speech. Do you think that will work?” Aaron: “Wasn’t your Bar Mitzvah speech something about Jericho and the Crispus Attucks High School Football Team?” Teddy: “You remember.” Aaron: It’s hard to forget, especially the part about the children of Israel blowing down the walls of Jericho, and you called it their ‘Hail Mary Shot.”
Teddy: “That didn’t go over real big with the rabbi. I try to be a good person, but I guess I’m not what you’d call religious.” Aaron: “Teddy, being a good person is being  religious—better than the fanatic who thinks he is doing what God would do, if God only knew the facts.”
Teddy: “Do you think I’m going to die?” Aaron: “Yes, my friend, but not now
—-someday for sure—but not now.” (Teddy gives him a bear hug).  Aaron: “The last time you did that, I thought you’d never let me go.” Teddy: “I didn’t want to. I knew I’d never see you again. I didn’t want to let you go. I don’t want to let you go. You are my friend.” (THEY EXIT.
Sherlyn, Becca and Josh enter) Sherlyn: “A bee sting! A bloody bee sting! I am so sorry I dragged you both down to the hospital, but when he passed out—I am so sorry!”

The Tribune article ends with a statement, “There is no statute of limitations on grief.” After Warren died, I was told by many people that after a year, I should find closure. When I asked my father, Rabbi Karl Richter about this, he replied, “Honey, it’s not a real estate deal.”

So, the next time you visit a grieving friend it’s probably a good idea to bite your tongue, give a hug and just listen.

Esther Blumenfeld   (*Here and There, copyright January 1, 2000)

HAND IT OVER

It’s a very slow news day when half a page in my newspaper is dedicated to the “do’s and don’ts” of hand washing. The other half is an advertisement for window replacement. Since I tend to wash my hands more often than replacing my windows, I decided to read the article on hand washing first. By now, you, my dear readers, should have figured out that  I read everything.

The first information that I gleaned is that the best way to avoid washing your hands is to never touch people, surfaces or objects throughout the day. However, if you do any of those things it is impossible to keep your hands germ free.

The article suggests that you should always wash hands before preparing or eating food,  using the toilet, changing a diaper or petting an animal (such as a hippopotamus at the zoo). It adds, that if you look at your hands, and they are downright dirty, like the rest of your body, it might be preferable to take a full shower while washing your hands.

The article goes on to tell us, “How to wash your hands.”  “It’s generally best to wash your hands with soap and water.” The author doesn’t say if it’s okay to use soap without water or water without soap, but he did write that the water should be clean running water—either hot or cold—which means don’t wash your hands in the toilet while you are cleaning it.
“Rubbing the hands with lather vigorously” is recommended along with “scrubbing all surfaces of the hands.” I examined my “hand surfaces” and only counted two of them—-back and front.

Rinsing well is recommended and then drying your hands with a clean towel. I guess that eliminates wiping your hands on your jeans. I often do this when there are no paper towels in public restrooms. The author reminds us that, “kids need clean hands too.” Duh! To add to the fun, he suggests that the child should sing the HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG not once, but twice, to prevent rushing.  Have you ever tried to stop a kid from singing that blasted song once he gets going?

Obviously, frequent hand washing is the best way to prevent spreading illness. Now with clean hands, I can, in good conscience, read about “windows that live up to strict quality standards.” But, first I have to get my magnifying glass to read the small print at the bottom of the page.

My research has proven that obviously, these days, writing about clean hands is all the news that’s really fit print.

Esther Blumenfeld

A LITTLE BOX

For all of you fellow non-Geeks bear with me when I quote you the definition of a modem.
“A modem is a portmanteau that enables a computer to transmit data over (for example) telephone or cable lines. Computer information is shared digitally whereas informations transmitted over telephone lines is in the form of analog waves. A modem converts between these two forms.”  Got it?

Well, I still don’t understand what a modem is, because I don’t speak the language,  but I do know that mine had the capacity for driving me crazy. It began with my printer. For some inexplicable reason sometimes my printer would fall into a coma. Everything else worked—the TV, the computer and the telephones—but my printer just stared at me with its one green eye and refused to print. At that, I would call Comcast (my provider) and the good folks in Guadalajara would re-set the modem and all would be well.  

After a week of calling my Mexican friends, and improving my Spanish, my telephones let me know they were too busy to let me make calls.  All I got was the busy signal. Again, I called Comcast (this time on my Verizon cell phone)  and  reached a nice young man from Columbia. He told me he’d re-set my modem, but that I should unplug my phone from the back of the box. First I said, “I don’t do that,” but he gently urged me to go ahead. Magically, my phones stopped stuttering and the dial tone was back.

When my desktop computer rebelled, I called and ordered a visit from a super-duper technician. They told me he would come in the morning, and I suggested that he either kick the hell out of my modem or bring me a new one.

While waiting for him to arrive, I got to thinking;  “Why, in this age of technology, are there so many equipment failures?”  Washing machines spin the clothes until they refuse to do so, and air conditioners wait until it’s 110 degrees outside to quit pumping cold air.

An, “Oh, So Smart, Watch” can diagnose a health problem you might not even have. For instance, while bending over to tie your shoes, the watch could surmise that you have fallen over and need help immediately.  I have a friend whose watch detected “heart fibrillation.” She went to the cardiologist who monitored her for a week, and then recommended that she not take medical advice from her watch.

Driverless cars are running over people in Arizona, but then so are cars with drivers in them, so you can’t really blame that on technology, and a box of shoes can be dropped at your front door by a drone, unless you open the door at the wrong time.

Ah! progress! The Comcast expert came to my home on time. I told him of my many calls to Mexico to re-set my Modem because of my comatose printer, my busy phone and my temperamental computer. For some reason, my television sets seem to have a life of their own and weren’t affected at all.  I also told him that when I last called the nice fellow from Columbia the green light on the modem had not come on again. Now it was, for the first time, a white light. He said, “Is it green a lot?”  I said, “Yes, most of the time.”

“Well,” he replied, “with most things, green is a good color, but not with modems. It means, you need a new one.” Luckily, he had one with him. So, now I have a modem with a white light and all is well.  I always thought that green meant “go,” but with modems it obviously means “gone.” Who would have thought?

Esther Blumenfeld

SNACK TIME

For awhile, 90% of school service providers—those ladies with nets on their hair and rubber gloves brandishing spatulas—were serving well-balanced fruits, vegetables and whole grain diets for children, as proposed by the USDA (US Department of Health and Home Services).

Now, the gloves have come off, and standards are being rolled back. Potatoes have reappeared as favored vegetables. Granted, what kid wouldn’t prefer munching on a french fry, than devouring  green beans with his greasy hamburger? Or, even better, pass a bag of chips.

To make matters more complicated, three square meals a day are rare occasions in many households, where “50% of all eating involves snacks that provide 25% of our caloric intake.” (Jill Weisenberger, M.S.,R.D.N Environmental Nutrition.) And, scientists tell us that more than one-fifth of snacks are “pointless.” For instance, it’s easy to snack when you are bored, and often a clump of grapes just don’t have the appeal that a dish of chocolate ice cream does.

So what can we do to avoid aimless snacking? The International Food Information Council Foundation offers a list of ways to avoid “pointless and potentially harmful eating habits.” They also recommended that, “you should start your own list.”  So, I took that suggestion:  Here is their list, combined with mine:

“Go play with your pet, and if you don’t have a pet get a hobby.”  Twiddling your thumbs might be a really good hobby, because it’s really difficult to eat while your thumbs are moving really fast.

Another suggestion was, “Chat with a friend.” It helps if you call the friend who will invite you to a backyard barbecue.

“Listen to uplifting music.” The Star Spangled Banner will give you some exercise.

“Read a book.” preferably not a cookbook such as, Eating My Way Through Mississippi.

“Practice a hobby such as photography.” Avoid taking pictures of food trucks.

“Spend time meditating.” Your mantra should be, “sardines are good for you.” And, finally;

“Think about your meals and try to be positive.” If you think hard enough you should be able to solve the question, “Where did I hide those cookies?”

I admit that eating right is important for overall health. I also know that occasional snacks probably won’t kill you, unless you choke on a kernel of popcorn. But, it’s probably not a good idea to snack your life away. That’s where your conscience can get you. However, Steven Wright does remind us that, “a conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.”

Esther Blumenfeld

VERBATIM MAYBE

Steven Wright in one of his clever monologues, reminds us that,”Half the people you know are below average.” So, it’s not surprising that those folks have trouble discerning between fact and fiction. However, even the brightest among us can get caught when navigating between truth and pretend truth—not only on the internet, but also on our television screens and in some periodicals.

It bears repeating that if it’s “FAKE,” it’s made up gibberish. Anonymity helps those who spread their own made up truths on the internet, and suddenly anyone can, with impunity, claim to be a journalist or an authority.

I suggest that before reading anything, you look to the source. However, watch out, because even in print, sometimes a piece is not written by who you think it is written. Sometimes a paid ghost writer is hired to influence readers. Whether it’s on your I-Pad or on your computer, if you see that the author belongs to an institute you have never heard of— Beware! Look it up!

For instance, a person on the acting board of Clunk-Head Institute might not be best qualified to write an expose about a candidate for public office, whom he has exposed in his book, published by CHI that you can buy for $1.95.

I like reading letters to the editor in my newspaper, because when people submit their opinions they have to sign their names. In other words, they claim responsibility for what they write, and those letters are vetted by reputable editors—unlike anonymous letters from Russian hacks submitted on our computers.

Recently, one of my favorite letters appeared in the Arizona Daily Star. The author wrote, “I have always thought amusing the story of the Emperor Caligula who reportedly appointed his horse, Incitatus to the Roman Senate.” The author then stated his opinion of a recent political appointment adding, “At least those Romans got the whole horse.”

If someone tells you he read a news story about something, ask him where he read it. I’ll bet nine times out of ten he won’t remember.

When I was writing my humor columns for Business Atlanta Magazine, a man told me that he liked my story that had been published in the New York Times, so much, that he had it framed.
I said, “Thank You.” Perhaps, I should have corrected him, but he was so happy that he had done that. Who was I to correct him?

Misinformation can be so dangerous, because when a lie is intentionally repeated often enough, it becomes propaganda, and people are swayed by planned untruths to influence their behavior—usually in a negative way— by those who have a nefarious agenda.
These are not facts that have been gathered by scrupulous  journalists and vetted by honest editors. This can include junk science and advertisements that want to sell you any poison pill that you are willing to swallow.

And remember, as Steven Wright says, “82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

Before you believe that, consider the source.

Esther Blumenfeld