WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

I can’t imagine that anyone wants to be confronted by an angry phlebotomist, but that’s exactly what happened to me, last week, while having blood drawn in preparation for my annual physical. In all fairness, the blood lady, usually sweet and friendly, had just returned from a two-day vacation, and her substitute had changed the password on her computer as well as re-arranging her supplies, so naturally she was upset, and—lucky me—I was her first patient of the day.

This technician is very good at what she does, so the needle went in at first poke, but while siphoning blood from my vein into tiny glass vials, her cellphone rang, and it was her boss, whom she had been trying to reach. Consequently, this was the strangest one-handed blood draw I had ever experienced. After a heated exchange with the person on the other end of the conversation, she hung up and mumbled something about quitting. I said, “I hope you won’t do that before you remove the needle from my arm.” When finished, she withdrew the needle and twisted a bandage very tightly around my arm.  I was so grateful that it was my arm and not my neck. This experience did remind me of the time the phlebotomist had no fingers, but that’s another story.

So, this event got me to thinking about other times I had unexpected experiences, such as the red-nosed waiter (not named Rudolph) who couldn’t stop coughing as he brought me my soup.

Or, a friend who asked me to tell a joke about the punchline.

Or, when I took a train from Washington, D.C. to New York City with my son and daughter-in-law, and when we arrived, and jumped into a cab, and my son said, “Please, take us to the Brooklyn Hilton,” and the taxi driver replied, “Where’s Brooklyn?”

When I was a kid, my parents sent me, for a week, to the the best summer camp they could afford. I thought the out-houses quaint, and enjoyed paddling about in the swimming hole until I got out of the water with leeches clinging to my body. The counselor said, “Don’t pull them off,” and proceeded to burn them off with her cigarette lighter. Ah, the good old days in South Dakota when people could smoke.

All of us hope for uneventful airplane trips and pray that there won’t be any disruptions Does a screaming toddler in the middle seat count?

I have experienced  the surprise of a dog owner who said, “Don’t worry, my dog never bites.”
Who would have thought?

And, don’t you just love the, “Back in five minutes,” sign.  Five minutes from when?

I once took a hike in the mountains after the weather lady on TV promised, “It’s not supposed to rain until tonight.” Unfortunately, she hadn’t said anything about thunder and lightening.

And, as a young bride, when I made my first meatloaf, I certainly did not expect my husband to drink three cups of it!

Yes, indeed, Life is full of surprises. As Steven Wright would say, “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.”

Esther Blumenfeld

ROLL OVER

ROLL OVER

Sometimes, a newspaper headline will grab me, and other times it will grab my funny bone. On January 9, 2000, on the Business Page of the Arizona Daily Star, I read, “Robot that fetches toilet paper among gadgets at Electronics Show.” The Electronics Show was held in Las Vegas which convinces me that some things that turn up in Las Vegas should really stay in Las Vegas.

The article explained that, “A robot can fetch toilet paper when you are stranded on the loo.” It went on to explain that this robot also can“keep track of the elderly from afar.” Why, in the world, would someone want a close up of an old codger sitting on the “loo?” And, although privacy seems to be a luxury of the past, who would want a 6” tall robot, with the face of a bear, keeping him company in the bathroom? (even if it can fetch a fresh roll of toilet paper.)
Now, a Pillsbury Doughboy robot, in your kitchen, who fetches fresh rolls (the other kind) may be appealing, but only if it can also scramble eggs, make pancakes and pour coffee.

Proctor and Gamble, the company that owns Charmin Toilet Paper does not plan to sell toilet paper fetching robots. Personally, I always preferred Mr. Whipple who stopped at squeezing the stuff, and never intruded into the bathroom like Proctor and Gambles cartoon bears. Why can’t they just hibernate somewhere else?

Another invention at the Electronics Show, which was mentioned in the article, is a gizmo that monitors water leaks from your alarm system and tracks usage. If the system tracks more water than is usually running through the lines, the monitor will automatically shut off your water. That sensor might really be helpful unless you are doing your laundry, running the dishwasher, and taking a shower—all at the same time. Oops!

So, let’s get back to tracking the old folks. The article says, “What are your Grandparents up to?  Sensors can monitor the elderly from afar.” These gadgets can let you know if your loved one has  gotten out of the reclining chair and moseyed into the kitchen for a can of beer, and can track how often the refrigerator is opened. And, it can measure if your dear one has showered  by measuring the humidity in the bathroom. I’m not sure if a robot with fresh rolls of toilet paper and three cartoon bears make a difference in that measurement.

And here’s the best news, the sensor can let your family know which rooms have been mostly occupied. George Orwell would love this stuff! The article did not explain just what happens when there is an unusual amount of activity in the bedroom, and the kids find out that Grandma has taken a boyfriend.

The University of Arizona is presenting a Forum to help students plan for an automated future. I doubt if unplugging your ear devices, making eye contact, and carrying on a real conversation with a real person is part of the curriculum. However, I do hope that taking good care of your thumbs is included.

Esther Blumenfeld

YUCK

YUCK

“Icky” may be an old fashioned word, but I can’t think of one more appropriate for the latest hands-on museum, that opened in October, in The Big Apple. I always thought that weird phenomena began on the West Coast and worked it’s way East, but this time the 8000-Square Foot SLOOMOO INSTITUTE, dedicated to slime, definitely wins the Off The Wall prize.

Sloomoo (replace the vowels in slime with “oo”) costs $38 a ticket in order for a customer to participate one time in the 6-month celebration of “everything slime.” A person can even don a poncho and goggles to be doused in the stuff, but if you want that experience, it will cost another $30.  I think handy-wipes are free.

Granted, it is a messy experience, but devotees of slime claim a health benefit when playing with the stuff. It makes them feel “rejuvenated and relaxed.” Some people get euphoric “brain tingles,” (there is an assumption in there somewhere) a sensory experience called ASMR (autonomous sensory median response) not only from playing with slime, but also from watching slime videos. Anyway, I guess it’s kind of like getting goosebumps from hearing a rousing speech or listening to a bit of moving music.

Obviously, there’s money in slime.  Politicians have known this for a long time. Nichole Jackyline, of Grand Rapids, Michigan is a top slimer enlisted by Sloomoo. She’s been on You- Tube since 2013, and brings in between $5000 and $10,000 a month selling slime making merchandise and supplies on-line.

Finally, trying not to be too dismissive, such as calling slime devotees, deplorable, I discovered  that slime has been around for a long time. Exactly, what is slime? Technically speaking, it is a “cross-linked polymer” scientifically known as a “non-Newtonian fluid.” The history of slime goes way back to the 1830’s when polymer scientists, Nathaniel Hayward and Friedrich Lundersdorf found that adding sulphur to raw natural rubber prevented it from getting sticky.

In 1968, SILLY PUTTY went to the moon on Apollo 8, and in 1976 Mattel came out with a jiggly slime toy in a plastic garbage can. Nickelodeon has used slime to dose contestants starting in the 1980’s. And in 2014 slime videos fromThailand spread all over the world.

I guess all of this slime can’t hurt people unless they try smoking it. Personally, I’d rather get goosebumps from Martin Luther King’s, “I Have a Dream” speech. I know that many of my friends get that reaction from hearing the song, “Amazing Grace.” But to be fair, some speeches as well as tunes can be “icky.”

As far as I know, the world is still spinning on its axis, and I suspect that the slime craze will eventually slide into the annals of history.

Esther Blumenfeld

YUCK

“Icky” may be an old fashioned word, but I can’t think of one more appropriate for the latest hands-on museum, that opened in October, in The Big Apple. I always thought that weird phenomena began on the West Coast and worked it’s way East, but this time the 8000-Square Foot SLOOMOO INSTITUTE, dedicated to slime, definitely wins the Off The Wall prize.

Sloomoo (replace the vowels in slime with “oo”) costs $38 a ticket in order for a customer to participate one time in the 6-month celebration of “everything slime.” A person can even don a poncho and goggles to be doused in the stuff, but if you want that experience, it will cost another $30.  I think handy-wipes are free.

Granted, it is a messy experience, but devotees of slime claim a health benefit when playing with the stuff. It makes them feel “rejuvenated and relaxed.” Some people get euphoric “brain tingles,” (there is an assumption in there somewhere) a sensory experience called ASMR (autonomous sensory median response) not only from playing with slime, but also from watching slime videos. Anyway, I guess it’s kind of like getting goosebumps from hearing a rousing speech or listening to a bit of moving music.

Obviously, there’s money in slime.  Politicians have known this for a long time. Nichole Jackyline, of Grand Rapids, Michigan is a top slimer enlisted by Sloomoo. She’s been on You- Tube since 2013, and brings in between $5000 and $10,000 a month selling slime making merchandise and supplies on-line.

Finally, trying not to be too dismissive, such as calling slime devotees, deplorable, I discovered  that slime has been around for a long time. Exactly, what is slime? Technically speaking, it is a “cross-linked polymer” scientifically known as a “non-Newtonian fluid.” The history of slime goes way back to the 1830’s when polymer scientists, Nathaniel Hayward and Friedrich Lundersdorf found that adding sulphur to raw natural rubber prevented it from getting sticky.

In 1968, SILLY PUTTY went to the moon on Apollo 8, and in 1976 Mattel came out with a jiggly slime toy in a plastic garbage can. Nickelodeon has used slime to dose contestants starting in the 1980’s. And in 2014 slime videos fromThailand spread all over the world.

I guess all of this slime can’t hurt people unless they try smoking it. Personally, I’d rather get goosebumps from Martin Luther King’s, “I Have a Dream” speech. I know that many of my friends get that reaction from hearing the song, “Amazing Grace.” But to be fair, some speeches as well as tunes can be “icky.”

As far as I know, the world is still spinning on its axis, and I suspect that the slime craze will eventually slide into the annals of history.

Esther Blumenfeld

A FOOT HERE AND A FOOT THERE

By now, most of you know that hiking in the mountains is my favorite exercise. In the summer, I have to be on the trail no later than 6 a.m. and home by 7:30 a.m. because, even after a relatively cool evening, the desert heats up fast.

Now, it’s winter in Arizona, and “Yes,” it can get very cold at night—a little freeze here—a little freeze there. Last week, we even had snow on the mountains. Even the rattlesnakes hibernate. So, when I go out to exercise, I layer my clothes; sweatshirt, jacket, scarf, gloves etc. But, what’s with these winter visitors from Wisconsin and Maine? They are out there in shorts and tee-shirts. Forty degrees is not summer! I guess no one told them.

Exercise is most important as one ages, and the senior residence, where I now live (Hacienda at the Canyon) offers all kinds of exercise programs. You could break a sweat and melt away easily if you took every athletic program offered. There are classes in Tai Chi, which show you how to breathe (breathing is very important) and manage your energy flow and balance. I wonder if the Tai Chi teacher could help me balance my checkbook. Now that is an exercise that really involves an energy flow.

After my hike today, I turned on PBS and listened to a beautiful symphony. I think it helped my energy flow. The next program was a lady doing chair exercises so old folks won’t develop blood clots. Since blood flow is as important as breathing, and since I was already sitting in a chair, I decided to follow her instructions. I did a sitting walk, stuck my legs out in every direction and moved  my feet and flapped my arms beautifully. I know the exercise was successful, because I did not fall off of my chair.

Joyful Movement is another class which is offered at Hacienda. It is supposed to unlock ones creative potential. So, creatively, I moved to my filing cabinet to sort my tax folders, so I could present them in logical order to my accountant. I don’t think this exercise unlocked my creative potential other than some colorful language, because taxes are anything but joyful.

So today, I hike, and avoided blood clots by jumping around in a chair (and not falling off) and did some weight lifting of tax files.The exercise room here is filled with all kinds of torture equipment and weights and lifts. Pilate and Yoga are coming.The joint will be jumping, as much as old folks can jump. But, unless we fall over, we will be  healthy.

Tomorrow, someone is leading a discussion on, “How to Improve Your Fitness.” Maybe talking about exercise just might be as good as actually doing it.  OH, NO, THAT JUST CAN’T BE.

Esther Blumenfeld