WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN

Being reasonably intelligent, I figured out that after four months of driving my faithful old Saturn, as little as possible, it was time to feed it some gasoline. So, I drove to the station closest to my apartment.

I parked in front of the pump, took out my credit card, and followed the pump instructions.  All went well. Then came additional instructions: 
 
 Pick the Gas you want. I picked the cheapest.
 Insert the nozzle. I inserted.  THEN—-
Squeeze the handle.

I squeezed but nothing came out.  

Suddenly, I felt a shower on my pumping arm.  I was so happy!  It was finally raining.  I looked up and sure enough it was raining!  It was raining gasoline! The hose was not connected to the pump, and I was getting a gasoline shampoo.  

As I waved the unattached hose at other customers, , I shouted, “No one light a cigarette.  This sucker isn’t connected.” “Please get some help.”  A few drivers looked at the insane lady, and just did not understand my predicament, but finally a smart fellow said, “I’ll get someone for you.”

An attendant ran out of the building, and as she attempted to connect the hose, I ran into the station to wash off my arm.  When I returned, She said, “Try it now.” Since, I had little confidence in her attachment skills, I moved my car to another pump, as she  said, “Someone obviously drove off with the hose connected.” 

Well, that reasoning process didn’t call for a nuclear physicist. I didn’t think that a customer had climbed up the post and screwed off the hose connection at the top. However, the person who did it was really a jerk—in more ways than one!

Esther Blumenfeld

SENSE AND NON SENSE

All my writing life, people have asked me, ”Where do you get your ideas?” And my answer has always been, “Ideas are easy, but executing them in a new way is not!” Today’s article will give those of you who might be interested, a peek into this writer’s cockamamie thought process.

A week ago, a friend innocently said, “That doesn’t make any sense.”  I can’t remember what she was referring to, but the words started churning in my brain. After that, I started listening more carefully to what people were saying, and, “What makes sense?” became my creative priority.

For instance, it makes no sense to argue with someone who doesn’t want facts to get in the way of his opinion. This is the same person who orders chicken fingers for lunch. Think about it!

A fictional story has to make sense, but life does not. For me, it makes sense to be an optimist. Being positive makes life more fun, even though I admit that I don’t have control over most things.

Hiking in the mountains by myself gives me time for contemplation and occasionally an adventure. Yesterday, I saw two men staring intently at something over a low wall. “What do you see?” I asked. One man said, “We are looking at a mountain lion’s footprint.” 

I looked over the wall and saw a hole about the size of a basketball. There were shoe prints to the left of the hole. I knew that if that hole had been what those men thought it was, the elephant sized, mountain lion would have been hopping around on one toeless paw, after devouring a couple of sneaker wearing tourists.
Their discovery made as much sense as a sighting of Big Foot.

As I continued my walk, I spied a rider atop a beautiful, majestic horse on the trail ahead of me. After they disappeared from view, I noticed that the horse (it made no sense that it was the rider) left a massive mound of manure in my path. Notwithstanding the delightful alliteration, it made no sense at all for me to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I climbed some rocks to avoid the souvenir.  I knew from experience that some clueless joggers coming around the bend would soon re-arrange the terrain. 

When passing fellow hikers, a hearty, “Good Morning!” (unless it’s afternoon) is acceptable behavior on the trail. Most people leave it at that, but a few folks think that a simple, “Hello,” gives them license to share life’s intimate details with absolute strangers. I don’t know these people and it makes no sense why someone would do that. This morning, my simple greeting encouraged a man from Michigan (that of course explains nothing) to tell me that his neurosurgeon wanted to remove his intestines to operate on his back.  I suggested that he find a surgeon with a better sense of direction. The exchange made no sense at all unless he thought I was a gastroenterologist, but then, I don’t even carry a hiking stick.

So now you know how my brain works. Scary! Isn’t it!

Esther Blumenfeld (“The universe never did make sense. I suspect it was built on government contracts.” Robert A. Heinlein)

LOST AND FOUND

Three years ago, I went on a trip and when I returned home, I couldn’t find a pair of tiny, gold earrings. Losing things is not my style---misplacing things---Yes! losing things---No! So naturally, I tore my house apart looking for those little suckers and still couldn’t find them. I searched for three years.

Yesterday, I opened my jewelry box and heard two little voices saying, “Here we are. Where the heck have you been?” (No. For you purists, I wasn’t hearing voices. It’s called, poetic license).

Author, Frances Rodman (not the basketball-playing friend of Kim Jong-un) said, “Just think how happy you would be if you lost everything you have right now, and then got it back again.” Rodman, you have a screw loose! I don’t have to lose anything to appreciate what I have. Besides, Frances didn’t mention the headache, indigestion and accompanying ulcer that would accompany the stress of losing everything. 

In life, tangible things are not the only items that can be misplaced. There is such a thing as misplaced anger, like when someone shoots his mouth off at the person delivering unwelcome news. An old Korean proverb says, “If you kick a stone in anger, you’ll hurt your own foot.” That’s why Kim would rather shoot his uncle. He would have been better off listening to Mark Twain who suggested, “When angry count to four. When very angry swear.” But, maybe that doesn’t translate well into Korean.

Since anger is such a corrosive emotion, I suggest that before someone gives another person a piece of her mind, she should check to see if she has enough mind left-over when she is finished.

There is also such a thing as misplaced judgment. Again, Mark Twain gives a good example, “It’s not good sportsmanship to pick up golf balls when they are still rolling.” Metaphorically speaking, going off a trail in an unfamiliar forest is not a good idea. That’s when Albert Einstein reminds us, “Stand still. The trees and the bush behind you are not lost.”

My favorites of the misplaced are misplaced modifiers such as:
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” (Groucho Marx).

But, before I lead you too far astray of the subject at hand, “the misplacement of tangible things,” I can offer a sure fire solution; the easiest way to find something you have misplaced is to buy a replacement.

Esther Blumenfeld (“Lost time is never found.”… Benjamin Franklin

IN AND OUT

I have an “In and Out Box” on my desk.  That would be a good thing, if I only kept the items that needed immediate attention in the  “In” part of the basket.   However, the “In” part is on top, and easier to reach, so almost everything turns up there.

Occasionally, I do browse and toss away things such as ; a playbill from a play I attended (but slept though the second act), a note telling me that my secret code will arrive by mail—What secret code? And, song lyrics such as, “The Impossible Dream,” from MAN OF LA MANCHA. 

The “Out Box” has a notice that my auto insurance payment will be taken out of my checking account three months ago.  No wonder my check book didn’t balance. Also, there was an article from the Detroit Free Press, a 2024 calendar, and my haircut appointments for 2025.

Whether it’s “In” or “Out”  there’s always plenty of room for itty-bitty pieces of paper with notes to myself— including at least 25 names which I intend to memorize. These are folks who have recently moved in. However putting their names with the correct faces can be challenging.

Also, my trust level is low, so until a problem is solved— such as, “Which restaurants will be open on which days?” or “Clarifying the terms of  my new health insurance,”  I make copies of almost everything. Some stuff may be important some day! Consequently, I felled  more trees than Paul Bunyan. I admit that I have lots of material in file folders. Granted, my filing system leaves much to be desired.  However,  I do brag that only one of my files is labeled, “STUFF.”

Impossible as it may seem, I do know where to find most of the information I have filed away —-unless it’s been filed in the wrong place. And everyday, I put a note on my kitchen counter to remind me of my next day activities.  

The bottom line is that I keep three calendars and faithfully check them for scheduled events such as my birthday. That way I rarely miss anything!  It’s a system that works for me and happily, so far, I haven’t missed anything really important such as breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Esther Blumenfeld

HOME COOKING--NOT AT MY HOUSE YOU DON'T

Everything my mother learned about cooking came from my grandmother. Big mistake! 

My grandmother made only one delicious dish, but I had to develop a nasty cold for her to prepare it. At the hint of a sniffle, she’d separate a raw egg and stir the yellow yolk with sugar and whiskey. Then she’d add the beaten egg white to the now frothy mixture, and feed it to me. I’m not sure it ever cured a cold, but the more whiskey she added, the better I felt. The concoction did have a name, but I can’t spell it.

My mother was a beautiful woman who loved to laugh and have fun, but cooking was not her forte. She didn’t really care what foods went together as long as she got them on the table in time for dinner. Therefore, it wasn’t unusual to be served an extremely well done steak with a few red crab apples perched on top. Salami and baloney sandwiches on rye bread, slathered with chicken fat. became a staple for lunch. I was so happy when my friends’ mothers served me peanut butter.  Like Grandma, Mother did have one redeeming dish. Her chicken soup was delicious. Which only goes to show that no one is perfect. 

Life was so much easier when we didn’t know what foods were bad for us. Today, when I smell burnt toast, I become nostalgic for Mama’s cooking.

Frank Tyger said, “Discoveries are often made by not following instructions, by going off the main road; by trying the untried.” That’s the way I cook. I kind of look at recipe instructions and then I improvise.  Of course that’s not being scientific, because I can rarely replicate the dish. However, sometimes that is a very good thing. 

Someone once said, “A recipe is a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing with ingredients you forgot to buy, using utensils you don’t own, to make a dish even the dog won’t eat.” W.C. Fields had the right idea when he said, “I cook with wine. Sometimes, I even add it to the food.” 

I’ll drink to that!

Esther Blumenfeld (“The kitchen is a walk through at my house”) Johanna Stein.